NOTE: This post isn’t exactly for the little ones. You’ll see why as it goes along….
For the last two days I’ve shown you murderous Santas bent on destruction and monstrous Santas lurking with dark, inhuman intent. But today, we’re turning the tables on this plump symbol of the holiday season, and he’s the one taking some well placed pot-shots to his North Pole for a change – as Art Land presents…
SANTA WARS III: THE HEROES FIGHT BACK (another Top TEn List!)
What delightfully synchronicity that this issue of Top Ten is the first of a Top Ten list. One wonders if Mr. Moore is secretly manipulating me with wizard magicks. ( He can do that, as he’s a licensed warlock in Suffolk-on-Thames-shire, or wherever he’s from. ) What I’m trying to say is that Alan is foreign so he probably doesn’t celebrate Christmas and that’s why he’s the one to get the authorities involved in stopping the spread of Santa before it’s too late. HANDS up, Kringle and spread ‘em.
Again with the Brits and the Santa-hatred. It’s one thing to be arrested by the delightful characters from the series Top Ten up above. There’s an arrest, a booking, a bail hearing, and Santa’s out on bond. But once Father Christmas goes up against the Judges of Mega-City One, there’s little chance he’ll ever see the grossly polluted light of day again. Ten years in the iso-cubes and Santa will be chewing his legs off, just to feel something resembling emotion. And to make it all so, so much worse, after he’s served his time, after he’s crawled back from the hell that is the penal system of this dystopian future – Dredd will arrest him again – for littering if he has to. These two covers are only but a sampling of the many times Dredd and Claus have faced each other over the barrel of a gun in their ongoing relationship. Ho-Ho-Hold it right there, PUNK.
We move up a notch in the actual fighting department. Here, the Hulk tries to grind the bones of Santa to make his bread. I love that the cover suggests that Santa is the most requested villain of all, but surprise…! On the inside, that’s referring to someone else. I know the Hulk is pretty strong, and normally you’d bet on him…but Hulk only gets stronger the MADDER he gets, and who can stay mad at Santa? Even a Santa taking swipes at your head with a crowbar…
This seems so innocuous and friendly at first glance: Superman is innocently trying to push the big fat Kringle-man down a small chimney hole with the power of his god-like fist. It’s almost adorable, right up until you consider that Superman can punch his way through mountains, or diamond mines, so in about two seconds that gently applied fist is going to explode out the back of Santa’s colon, turning the chimney into a drainage sluice for the elf-man’s innards. I respect Superman for taking up the battle against St. Nick, but he should tone it down a little before there’s burst intestinal tracts all over the roof.
Speaking of putting brand new holes in people, dig this moment of torture/fetish porn from the good people at DC. Ah, Tommy the Hitman. You were a feel-good romp from the first issue onwards (even in your BLOODLINES debut!) but you rarely reached the heights you reached when you asked Santa to suck your shiny metal pistol. Never did you seem more like a man. Making the guy in the red suit cry was a nice added touch. What a baby. Won’t suck on a gun. Pussy Claus, I call him.
Speaking of fetishes…There are some things, once seen, that you cannot un-see, and the above cover is one of them. In fairness, this image isn’t about fighting back against Santa…this fight is long over and the spoils of war have begun. I’d feel guilty about showing you this ultimate moment of Santa’s surrender if he didn’t look so darn okay with the whole thing. But any way you slice it, a subdued and hogtied Santa, is one we’re all safe from, which makes this woman a hero.
I’m pretty sure that’s blood all over Lobo’s knife, so we’ve moved up from implied maiming to full-out maiming. Comics got so sophisticated in the 90s that even teenagers started reading them. This thing sold through the roof, and through the drainpipes, and out the back of the garage when it came out. Don’t settle back into your comfy chair just yet… the Santa-fighting’s about to get worse.
It seems like another simple “someone’s threatening Santa” cover, but if you’ll look closely to the bottom right, and read the threat Jonah is giving the beloved St. Nick, you’ll notice that Hex has already killed a Santa before this cover began. Lobo may have stabbed his Santa, but Hex ended the job with a smoking piece of Second Amendment Manhood. Now we’re talking.
More Second Amendment Solutions! Let’s pray that the chainsaw can help in the battle if the shotgun proves ineffective. I’m not sure how well Ash is doing against this zombie Santa, but he’s got the right attitude about his weapons choices. There’s no way for this fight to go down tidy and you have to embrace it…someone’s losing vital parts and getting sprayed with guts - it’s WAR damnit. This is what the WAR ON CHRISTMAS has always been about: Bloodshed and lethal force. Only the strong are surviving.
This is where the War on Christmas actually began. This adorable premise of the child snapping Santa’s leg clean off in an inhumane bear trap ran afoul of the authorities in Boston back in 1954, where the local district attorney asked shopkeepers to voluntarily remove this spin-off (rip-off) of Mad Magazine from newsstands as it was deemed damaging to kids if they read it. It was never legally banned, but it was morally shunned in record numbers (you can read a little about it HERE). MAN, that’s cool. And this was all of twelve weeks before the famous “Seduction of the Innocent” Kefauver hearings in Congress, that led (in a roundabout way) to the Comics Code Authority. So even though we fought back against his evil onslaught, Santa was still there to bite the whole industry in the ass.
Tomorrow, we kill Santa dead, and end his mission, once and for all in…
SANTA WARS 4: He knows when you’ve been sleeping WITH THE FISHES!
Ty the Guy OUT!
Here now, your comic book Santa moment of zen:
Yup. The Panic #1 Christmas cover was a stolen idea – one that didn’t seem to have corrupted any youth when DC ran the original gag 18 years previously. In fact, no one noticed or even remembered. Sigh…