SURPRISE PENIS! THE TEN BEST MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED MALE GENITALIA IN COMICS AND CARTOONS! **NSFW**

Ah, the surprise penis, one of life’s delightful gifts.  From children’s books…

to America’s national parks…

to Captain Kirk’s weapon of choice…

the subliminal phallus lurks around every corner to spring at you.  It’s so easy to spot an unexpected tallywhacker that there’s an entire website dedicated to the sport.  As a result, we have to have a set of ground rules or our Top Ten list would end up a top thousand.

RULE #1

The penis has to be a surprise.  It can’t be placed there with the consent of the publisher or editor.  So Moebius’ “HORNY GOOF” and everything Heavy Metal ever published is out of the running.

Expected Wee-wee! Disqualified!

RULE #2

Our competition must include an unmistakable example of the uncovered form.  As surprising as this package is (from Alex Ross’ cover of JSA #7), it is too shy to include.

Still in the wrapper! Disqualified!

RULE #3

 No metaphors that any amateur psychiatrist could point out.   Sometimes a flaming sword held between the legs, is just a flaming sword held between the legs…

Even if the flaming sword has some fairly obvious testicles! Disqualified!

RULE #4

No euphemisms.  We’re looking for imagery, not double entendres.  Even if it’s where Howard the Duck comes from…

Is that a carrot between your eyes, or are you just happy to see me? Disqualified!

So with our rules straightened out, it’s time to grab hold of this idea and see if I can’t get a rise out of my regular readers.  We present:

SURPRISE PENIS!  THE TEN BEST MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED MALE GENITALIA IN The world of COMICS AND CARTOONS!

#10

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR SIPPY CUP

Wow.

This was part of a series of cups available at convenience stores to promote Disney characters a few years back and it’s meant to be filled to the brim with something slushy.  Obviously there was someone who had to approve the design.  Obviously, that same somebody must have noticed the look on Buzz’s face, grinning down at the unsuspecting thirsty kid who puts his lips on the space-suited nozzle and starts to suck liquid from the end. Obviously this person no longer works for Disney.

-

#9

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE EARLY YEARS

This slipcover reprint of the Simon and Kirby Golden Age Captain America comics included a number of historical firsts.  It was the first slipcase reprint that Marvel had done.  It was the first time the Simon and Kirby run on their classic character was reprinted in full, and oh, yes, it was the first time anyone ever saw Bucky’s rascally hoo hoo.

Published in 1990, it was almost immediately recalled and reprinted, as some unknown scribbler in the production department decided to draw Bucky’s member on the yellow printer’s plate on page 184.  He (or she) also doodled some other things in yellow, but I’m betting the star-spangled sausage was the primary reason for the reprint of the book.  After decades, we finally learn why Cap is rushing to save the lad on almost every cover of the Golden Age.

#8

The Punisher Shape Shifter POWER Pistol

Unlike the Buzz Lightyear debacle, at least the folks at TOY BIZ that approved this bundle of joy had the excuse that it wasn’t MEANT to look like a surprise penis.  

It’s actually meant to be suppository cannon.

But give any transforming toy to a young lad, and he’ll find a way to make something sticking out between the thighs in about eleven seconds.

SURPRISE! PENIS!

#7

LOBO’S BACK!

This was painted by the very manly SIMON BISLEY back when Lobo still sold comics for DC.  If you’re wondering how you can spy Lobo’s “howlin’ wolf” from this angle, it’s because you’re not supposed to be looking at his crotch.  It’s supposedly on his arm, but if you can’t see it, it’s because you’re not a gutter-brained perv…

Oh, wait. There it is...

Biz claims this was an accidental elbow-penis, and it’s just naturally how the skin around your over-developed funny bone looks when you’ve turned into a hermaphroditic space alien.  If that’s what Bisley says, I’m not going to argue.

#6

THE HOVERBOY LIGHT SWITCH FACE PLATE

This CANT be real...

Vigilance Comics’ most popular Golden Age character, Hoverboy, was known for his exciting power to hover as much as his exciting power to get sued fairly often (much more about this fascinating character from comics history here and here). Amazingly enough, this astoundingly inappropriate faceplate did not result in any lawsuits whatsoever, but the building where it was manufactured was set fire to by an irate mob.

#5

TALES FROM THE CRYPT #29

This is one of the best of the surprise penis genre, because there’s no gray area here.  It’s not just a surprise penis, it’s a full out aroused surprise penis, penetrating a willing female’s genitalia, and no one noticed it for decades. I didn’t mean to offend the delicate sensibilities of my readers , but there it is up above, delineated by the legendary Joe Orlando.

Of course, you can’t see it when it’s in small and in color…but when Russ Cochran reprinted the old EC comics in black and white large-size editions in the 80s, this piece of hidden naughtiness emerged in plain site.  It’s over on the drapes in panel four…

The EC artists did this sort of dirty joke in the margins from time to time, and never expected to get caught…right up until these damn comics became oft-reprinted classics.  There’s a lesson in there for you kids.  Don’t excel if you’ve got a naughty streak.

#4

COURTNEY ROSS’ SURPRISE MUTANT POWER FROM EXCALIBUR

When you name your comic book after a famous, long, shiny sword, you knew the surprise penis was going to happen quickly. 

According to Alan Davis, who drew the sequence, Chris Claremont’s original script didn’t call for this scene to reek of lesbian foreplay, but Davis said it felt like a seduction when he read it.  Claremont’s script didn’t call for the sucking of transmorphing dink-fingers on Kitty’s bed, either, but Davis clearly saw that as well.  

  It might be icing on the ends of the fingers going into Courtney’s and Kitty’s mouth, but what you’re witnessing is actually Courtney’s other mutant power. Her fingers transform into a schlong just before getting past anyone’s lips.  It’s her version of transubstantiation, I guess..

#3

The He-Man Adventures Castle Greyskull

I said we weren’t looking for double-entendres, but  “He-Man Adventure Castle” is what I call my own Mr. Happy when the wife’s not in the room. However, it’s not the sly name of this toy that leapfrogs it onto our parade of peenies, it’s the not so subtle bulgy bits by the back turret.

I know He-Man is an impressive super-hero, but that thing’s about four stories tall.   WAIT!  This place belongs to his arch enemy.  I’m thinking the whole misunderstanding is about envy…

#2

Mickey Mouse: Bladid

I have no idea when this was done, what BLADID means, or anything to do with any of this, but it’s making me understand Euro-Disney a little better.  This image is an internet favorite, popping up on anti-Disney websites, Christian protest sites, and one or two homophobic homepages.  It’s all supposed to prove that Disney has some sort of agenda one way or another, but I’m damned if I can figure out what is going on.

Oh, yes I can.  It’s Mickey holding a Smurf’s dick.  And if you’ll notice, there’s a ring around it to keep it going for hours.  Excuse me, I have to go wash my hands.

#1

The Little Mermaid Castle Dildo

The Holy Grail of surprise penis!

Arguably the most famous surprise penis of the last thirty years.  It’s an urban legend that this image exists, and I’m here to tell you it’s real.  Contrary to popular belief, it was not created by a disgruntled employee, nor was it even intentional.  According to the original artist (who has remained nameless all these years for obvious reasons) it was late, and he was working quickly when creating this iconic image, and what was supposed to be just another spire in this magical castle, sprouted a circumcised helmet, veins and a lovely round set of balls by sheer coincidence.

It could happen to anybody.

When this undersea version of a He-Man Adventure Castle was spotted by a church group shortly after the home video box was released, Disney redrew this famous image to remove the infamous spire.  I believe the original artist did it by accident, why not?  And Disney never fired him or reprimanded him in any way, apparently.  He was actually promoted to head of the sippy cup design department shortly before Buzz Lightyear’s first movie…

There are COUNTLESS more surprise penis moments in the world of cartoons, comics and toys…I have a thick, bulging file of these that I’ve collected over the years, and I encourage you to play this game at home.  Don’t even get me started on the surprise penis events in the world of science fiction and fantasy….wait, that might be another top ten list!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS comic book surprise penis!

Looks like youre carrying around some hefty wood there, Billy...


34 responses to “SURPRISE PENIS! THE TEN BEST MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED MALE GENITALIA IN COMICS AND CARTOONS! **NSFW**

  1. For #4, isn’t that Courtney Ross (or maybe Saturnyne pretending to be Courtney Ross) with Kitty? Either way, now I’m going to dig out my old Alan Davis Excaliburs and marvel at their beauty. Please please please someone write a story in which the Crazy Gang attack during William and Kate’s wedding!

    • …and by Saturnyne, I obviously mean her dictatorial Earth-794 counterpart, Sat-Yr-9. It’s probably a bad sign that I felt compelled to make that distinction.

  2. You might be right, Norm. I was going from memory on this sequence, and the character looks so much like Emma Frost I just assumed. I’ll have to get them out myself and re-check it. Ain’t nothing wrong with looking at Alan Davis comics for an afternoon…

  3. Gotta love the Hoverboy light switch… Maybe that was not the best way to put that.

    Cheers!

    Steven Willis
    XOWComics.com

  4. This was both hilarious and disturbing, but boy, did I ever need a good laugh.

    Thanks, Ty!

  5. I…I…I HAD Castle Greyskull as a kid! This is disturbing.

    So that’s where all the inadequacy comes from!

  6. Wonderful stuff, I laughed, er, hard.

    Kitty names Courtney in the dialogue.

  7. I own the Punisher: Shape Shifters toy. Actually, I own three of them. Bob Ingersoll showed one to me at Mid-Ohio-Con a few years ago and I ran out to a nearby toy store and bought up all they had. I thought for sure that someone would raise a huge stink about the toy and it would be recalled.

    I wasn’t looking to make any money with them . I just thought they were so freakin’ hilarious, I had to grab some before they were gone! :)

  8. One question: why is everyone so obsessed with penises? Why not surprised breasts?

    • Breasts in comic books are seldom surprises. Usually they are front and centre… well, to the left and right of centre. The only thing surprising about comic book breasts are that women are able to stand upright.

      • Norm, that is so true, both about women’s breasts and the fact that if the comic book ladies were real, they probably couldn’t stand up. :) I guess I momentarily forgot that was the case.

  9. I call shenanigans on the Buzz Lightyear one. I got one of those at Target for my nephew, and it’s backwards. Its not designed that way, some one turned Buzz around, the straw actually comes from his back. There are disney princess versions of the same design.

    http://www.target.com/Disney-Toy-Story-4-pc-Dinnerware/dp/B004BNUD1S/

    • I’ve seen the Disney princess ones…and they’re not any better if you’re sucking slurpee from his tail than his front nozzle. But the cups easily rotate, I have one of them myself. It’s a major design flaw.

  10. Point. I too would not want to suck from a cartoon butt.

  11. I think we all learned something here today. Penises can be anywhere. And everywhere. I remember the Little Mermaid example causing a fuss, but that Mickey and Minnie Mouse one is outstanding.

    But most of all, thanks for introducing me to Hoverboy, I’m surprised I’ve never heard of him.

    –B

    • If you’ve never entered the astounding world of Hoverboy, you’re in for a treat….there are cartoons, comics, toys, magazines, and an amazing array of goodies in store for you. I actually won the rights to Hoverboy in a poker game a few years back, and may be the world’s leading authority on the character, except of course, for the grandchildren of Stark and Nutt. If you click up at the top of this page to the Hoverboy pull-down menu, there’s a reprint of a complete story from Hoverboy Yellow Peril funnies from 1942 that will drop your jaw….I’ve got about fifty entries on Hoverboy on this blog over the last year or so…

  12. Granted, I’m a queer guy, so maybe I’m not the best possible authority on this, but isn’t the surprise penis in that Tales From the Crypt #29 panel penetrating the woman’s NAVEL?

    Freaky.

    Matthew

    • Matt, I’m surprised you’ve never tried navel sex. It’s best done with people with really embarrassingly small dicks, or people with embarrassingly deep belly buttons. It was all the rage during the jazz age, also known as “l’age de la pecker perdu”. It’s clearly has fallen out of fashion.

  13. Ty, I’m guessing that you’re unaware that I’m the guy responsible for the infamous Little Mermaid art! I’ll tell you the whole story some day if you care to hear it. Also, I noticed several other dirty drawings in the Tales From the Crypt #29 curtain art. I’m betting that Wally Wood gave Joe Orlando an inking assist on that one. It looks like typical Wood shenanigans to me.

  14. I think this falls under surprise penis…This is Tyron for the The backyardagins. A Kid TV show. http://babies.icanhascheezburger.com/2011/04/23/funny-kids-pictures-tyrone-is-happy-to-see-you/

    • Holy Cow! Or should I say “Holy Moose!” And his name is Tyrone, too! All too perfect. If only the show was well enough known, that would be a top ten member for sure! Membership has its privileges…

  15. Pingback: He Man 1 | AllGraphicsOnline.com

  16. How can Genitalia be disturbing, that’s what Id like to know? There are more different types of genitalia on this planet tart we can’t begin to grasp in the mind how many, and many of them have been rendered extinct by man that kills all the life on this planet one way or the other, and God made that life seeing we would need it in the fallen state we would be in. We need to stop disliking all of the genitalia God made, and stop calling it disturbing, and call hatred, lying, being deceitful, persecuting, giving accusations, and condemning humans,speaking against a God of love blaspheming his name, and doing bad to whoever, waring killing, and maiming humans calling it good disturbing.

  17. How can Genitalia be disturbing, that’s what Id like to know? There are more different types of genitalia on this planet that we can’t begin to grasp in the mind how many, and many of them have been rendered extinct by man that kills all the life on this planet one way or the other, and God made that life seeing we would need it in the fallen state we would be in. We need to stop disliking all of the genitalia God made, and stop calling it disturbing, and call hatred, lying, being deceitful, persecuting, giving accusations, and condemning humans,speaking against a God of love blaspheming his name, and doing bad to whoever, waring killing, and maiming humans calling it

  18. I have to ask…but when did anyone say genitalia was disturbing around here? I’m pretty fond of the genitals, preferably in female form, but I’m good with both sets, or playing Twister would be no fun at all. You won’t get much support for the idea that god made the animals for our use, though. I’m so firmly on the side of evolution that we’ll never see eye to ocular organ on that one. The idea that they’re for our use often leads to animal abuse, which I’m dead set against. As far as I’m concerned, the only real difference between me and a dog, or a dolphin is that they can’t afford a lawyer.

  19. In # 5 I see four nudes. A nice pair of chesticles on the right, a person with a huge schlong above that, some open legs and cooter under that, and the guy with stiffy on the left.

  20. Y’know, I read somewhere that Kick-Ass creator Mark Millar specifically named his new monthly British comic magazine published by Titan Magazines, CLiNT, simply because he enjoyed the fact that it might be mistaken for the word CUNT, instead. With that in mind, I couldn’t help noticing that the guy in the #5 EC comics story’s particularly naughty panel is called Clinton Ashton though he says … “Just call me Clint!” … coincidence? … I think not … ;)

    • The name “Clint” was not allowed by the Comics Code for exactly this reason. And you couldn’t go watch a “flick” at the local theatre, either. I remember that Hawkeye of the Avengers didn’t have a first name until this ban was lifted, and in the FIRST issue of the Avengers using the new, revised Comics Code, included this line when someone was talking to the freshly Christened Hawkeye in the first scene: “Hey Clint, you want to take in a flick today?”

  21. psychedeligoat

    There is a Jesus design that is exact the same as Hoverboy – only jesus’ head in place of the stove head. I have a feeling the hoverboy was cast off the Jesus one. But This is the first I have heard of Hoverboy..and it’s nuts this all is real. hahah – thanks for the links about Hoverboy too..just about the check them out.

  22. Y’all got me fucked up bout Mickey Mouse!!! I love him an it will always be ppl like y’all that think in a perverted ass way. Grow the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s