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The Top Seven S&M Covers of Lois Lane. Seriously.

Come with me on a journey of discovery you will not soon forget.  Venture forth with the knowledge that once a thing is seen, it cannot be unseen.  Embark on a sojourn not only of sight and sound, but of mind, that will taint your childhood, and alter your DNA.  Enter, if you dare, the erotic sub/dom world of Superman’s Kinky Girlfriend in THE TOP SEVEN S&M COVERS OF LOIS LANE.

Every image is unaltered.  Every cover is REAL.  All Some art by Dick Giordano.  Most of the layouts are by Bob Oksner (I’ve been corrected, and am duly chastised, but I still believe Dick Giordano inked ‘em).

Number #7

LOIS LANE 111:  Trapped by The Justice League

Okay, this is weak sauce.  So she’s in a bikini, and she’s being tied down?  Hardly something to keep the sheets bundled up at night, is it?  But it does mark the FIRST time either of those things happened in a Lois Lane comic, eleven years into the fifteen year run.   I mean, it’s not like Lois Lane didn’t

The Wondrous Negro Machine

have odd covers before, but she was mostly getting married to an assortment of people (creatures -Superman – Batman – convicts – Satan) every other month, or stepping into her “NEGRO-MACHINE” for the day.  Weird, sure, but were living in the Seventies, and we’d grown to expect innovations like the Negro Machine.  So this cover, with the little people putting the bondage to the half naked Lois, was the start, a dipping of the toe into the world of kink.  But oh, it’s gonna get so much better.  Hee hee.

Number #6:

LOIS LANE 122 :  77 Coffins

Okay, now we’re talking.  Lois is properly introduced to bondage and submission as she SHOULD be.  And DIG

Gone are the innocent days of marrying Satan.

that hog-tied roommate on the floor!!  You almost miss the leatherette wearing “Thorn” bound  up along side them, there’s so much misbehavior going on here.   What I love is that the letterer gave all the thought dialog to the one on the ground.(I think her name was “Melba”, or “Selma”, or “Does It Matter, She Was Clearly There To Stamp the Comic As Token Seventies Liberalism”)  Even the letterer knew, all eyes were on the floor.  I mean, this is NOT your big sister’s Lois Lane comics.  Why can’t a poor girl just marry Satan like she’s supposed to and get on with things?

Number #5

LOIS LANE 135:  The Amazing After-Life of Lois Lane

I don’t know about her after life, but she seems to be having an interesting afternoon.  If you learn one thing from this cover, learn THIS:  when tying a woman to a truck bumper, it’s important to separate the thighs as much as possible, and if you can get her to arch her back, it really helps.

These covers are starting to get interesting.  And I’m starting to wonder how Dick Giordano Bob Oksner spent his weekends.

Number #4:

LOIS LANE 123:  The Serpent in Paradise:

My wife cannot even look at this one without cringing.  I had to scan it with tongs, while she was out of the room. Okay, sure, if you’re going to have a story about serpents in paradise, you’ve got no choice than to throw a little snake bondage into the mix.  But what sets this cover apart is a new feature, which we’ll be seeing more of in the next few covers, and that is the “crotch” point. Check out Superman’s hand, with that bizarrely tilted finger pointing out the spot to look for Lois’ Crotch. You don’t believe in the “crotch point”?  Keep your eyes peeled.

Number #3:

LOIS LANE 127:  Curse of the Flame

Go ahead and deny the “crotch point” now.  Just go ahead.  That shark is interested in one thing and one thing only and that’s snacking on  her “bikini area” in a way that I suspect isn’t wholesome.  And why is Superman looking for the girl in the boat?  Hmm?  He should be looking for the MAN IN THE BOAT, but of course, he’s oblivious.  Oh well, at least something is going to eat her.  (Did I just go there?  Did I?!?)  Not so much bondage as the others, but a delightful switch on Vagina Dentata.

Number #2

LOIS LANE 133:  The Lady is a Bomb

Oh. My. God.

Can you even imagine what Bob was thinking when he sketched this cover?  (And inked, I suspect, by a Dick, and you may make of that what you will!).  What was DC editorial thinking?  We can only thank God and country that the colourist didn’t colour the lamppost red or pink, or there would have been a breakdown of the social order, and America would have been destroyed.

Where to start?

Okay, first off, is Superman spent?  He seems to be done…or is he just about to…No.  I can’t go there.

And why is the post all bent like that?  I heard President Clinton had a condition called…No I can’t.  This is a family blog.

And the torn clothes…?  The …ruined landscape.  TAKE THIS IMAGE AWAY!  It tempts me!  It mocks me!  It makes me feel all “grown up” in a way I don’t understand.  Bring me back to a world where Lois marries a serial killer, and things are NORMAL!

Number #1

LOIS LANE 120.

It doesn’t seem to have a title, so I’ll just call this one “THE MANY CROTCH DARTS OF LOIS LANE’S CROTCH, featuring Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane’s Vagina”. Or that might be too subtle.

This is the one time in history that someone was placed on a giant dart board as a means of killing them, with the bullseye someplace OTHER THAN BEHIND THEIR HEART.  According to the story, a Mexican band of Crotch Darters had been roaming the badlands of the border areas for days, and Superman is called in to investigate a series of “Crotch Dartings” that had plagued the country side.   I won’t ruin the ending for you, you’ll have to find a copy for yourself, but it involves crotches.  This is the ONLY comic book I’ve ever asked a creator to sign the cover of in my entire collection.  I begged, pleaded and demanded that Dick Giordano (the inker) sign this when I discovered we were both guests at the same small convention a few years ago.  I asked him what was going on at the time that Lois was suddenly all about the crotches and manacles, and Dick said  he hadn’t noticed any change in the covers for this period, but signed the copy with a smile.

Thanks for the memories, creative staff at Lois Lane.  I’ll never look at another Crotch Dart without thinking of you guys.

Ty The Guy

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