The Top Seven S&M Covers of Lois Lane. Seriously.

Come with me on a journey of discovery you will not soon forget.  Venture forth with the knowledge that once a thing is seen, it cannot be unseen.  Embark on a sojourn not only of sight and sound, but of mind, that will taint your childhood, and alter your DNA.  Enter, if you dare, the erotic sub/dom world of Superman’s Kinky Girlfriend in THE TOP SEVEN S&M COVERS OF LOIS LANE.

Every image is unaltered.  Every cover is REAL.  All Some art by Dick Giordano.  Most of the layouts are by Bob Oksner (I’ve been corrected, and am duly chastised, but I still believe Dick Giordano inked ’em).

Number #7

LOIS LANE 111:  Trapped by The Justice League

Okay, this is weak sauce.  So she’s in a bikini, and she’s being tied down?  Hardly something to keep the sheets bundled up at night, is it?  But it does mark the FIRST time either of those things happened in a Lois Lane comic, eleven years into the fifteen year run.   I mean, it’s not like Lois Lane didn’t

The Wondrous Negro Machine

have odd covers before, but she was mostly getting married to an assortment of people (creatures -Superman – Batman – convicts – Satan) every other month, or stepping into her “NEGRO-MACHINE” for the day.  Weird, sure, but were living in the Seventies, and we’d grown to expect innovations like the Negro Machine.  So this cover, with the little people putting the bondage to the half naked Lois, was the start, a dipping of the toe into the world of kink.  But oh, it’s gonna get so much better.  Hee hee.

Number #6:

LOIS LANE 122 :  77 Coffins

Okay, now we’re talking.  Lois is properly introduced to bondage and submission as she SHOULD be.  And DIG

Gone are the innocent days of marrying Satan.

that hog-tied roommate on the floor!!  You almost miss the leatherette wearing “Thorn” bound  up along side them, there’s so much misbehavior going on here.   What I love is that the letterer gave all the thought dialog to the one on the ground.(I think her name was “Melba”, or “Selma”, or “Does It Matter, She Was Clearly There To Stamp the Comic As Token Seventies Liberalism”)  Even the letterer knew, all eyes were on the floor.  I mean, this is NOT your big sister’s Lois Lane comics.  Why can’t a poor girl just marry Satan like she’s supposed to and get on with things?

Number #5

LOIS LANE 135:  The Amazing After-Life of Lois Lane

I don’t know about her after life, but she seems to be having an interesting afternoon.  If you learn one thing from this cover, learn THIS:  when tying a woman to a truck bumper, it’s important to separate the thighs as much as possible, and if you can get her to arch her back, it really helps.

These covers are starting to get interesting.  And I’m starting to wonder how Dick Giordano Bob Oksner spent his weekends.

Number #4:

LOIS LANE 123:  The Serpent in Paradise:

My wife cannot even look at this one without cringing.  I had to scan it with tongs, while she was out of the room. Okay, sure, if you’re going to have a story about serpents in paradise, you’ve got no choice than to throw a little snake bondage into the mix.  But what sets this cover apart is a new feature, which we’ll be seeing more of in the next few covers, and that is the “crotch” point. Check out Superman’s hand, with that bizarrely tilted finger pointing out the spot to look for Lois’ Crotch. You don’t believe in the “crotch point”?  Keep your eyes peeled.

Number #3:

LOIS LANE 127:  Curse of the Flame

Go ahead and deny the “crotch point” now.  Just go ahead.  That shark is interested in one thing and one thing only and that’s snacking on  her “bikini area” in a way that I suspect isn’t wholesome.  And why is Superman looking for the girl in the boat?  Hmm?  He should be looking for the MAN IN THE BOAT, but of course, he’s oblivious.  Oh well, at least something is going to eat her.  (Did I just go there?  Did I?!?)  Not so much bondage as the others, but a delightful switch on Vagina Dentata.

Number #2

LOIS LANE 133:  The Lady is a Bomb

Oh. My. God.

Can you even imagine what Bob was thinking when he sketched this cover?  (And inked, I suspect, by a Dick, and you may make of that what you will!).  What was DC editorial thinking?  We can only thank God and country that the colourist didn’t colour the lamppost red or pink, or there would have been a breakdown of the social order, and America would have been destroyed.

Where to start?

Okay, first off, is Superman spent?  He seems to be done…or is he just about to…No.  I can’t go there.

And why is the post all bent like that?  I heard President Clinton had a condition called…No I can’t.  This is a family blog.

And the torn clothes…?  The …ruined landscape.  TAKE THIS IMAGE AWAY!  It tempts me!  It mocks me!  It makes me feel all “grown up” in a way I don’t understand.  Bring me back to a world where Lois marries a serial killer, and things are NORMAL!

Number #1

LOIS LANE 120.

It doesn’t seem to have a title, so I’ll just call this one “THE MANY CROTCH DARTS OF LOIS LANE’S CROTCH, featuring Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane’s Vagina”. Or that might be too subtle.

This is the one time in history that someone was placed on a giant dart board as a means of killing them, with the bullseye someplace OTHER THAN BEHIND THEIR HEART.  According to the story, a Mexican band of Crotch Darters had been roaming the badlands of the border areas for days, and Superman is called in to investigate a series of “Crotch Dartings” that had plagued the country side.   I won’t ruin the ending for you, you’ll have to find a copy for yourself, but it involves crotches.  This is the ONLY comic book I’ve ever asked a creator to sign the cover of in my entire collection.  I begged, pleaded and demanded that Dick Giordano (the inker) sign this when I discovered we were both guests at the same small convention a few years ago.  I asked him what was going on at the time that Lois was suddenly all about the crotches and manacles, and Dick said  he hadn’t noticed any change in the covers for this period, but signed the copy with a smile.

Thanks for the memories, creative staff at Lois Lane.  I’ll never look at another Crotch Dart without thinking of you guys.

Ty The Guy

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23 responses to “The Top Seven S&M Covers of Lois Lane. Seriously.

  1. Always loved that LOIS 111 cover! And very few artists drew glamourous gals like Dick Giordano!

    Al Bigley

  2. Excuse me, Ty; although Lois in the seventies was pretty wacky, you’re a little mistaken in the art credits. Yes, Dick Giordano did the art to your #7 cover, all the rest of your list was done by Bob Oskner. Bob had a unique look to his women that I can spot a mile away, plus his take on Superman’s “S” emblem was completely different from Dick’s.

  3. Yup. Bob Oksner. Loved his 70s Mary Marvel back-ups in Shazam. Fun blog post Ty.

  4. I feel terrible, looking at the covers, you’re probably right about ’em, they are likely to be Bob’s pencils. AK, I feel the fool. Though I know Dick Giordano inked a few of them, as we talked about them, and he did sign the cover for #120. I’ll go correct the article. Shame on my memory!

  5. And people wonder why comics sales are dropping so.

    Add a liberal mix of apes, dinosaurs and Lois Lane bondage and the sales will rise.

    At least something will rise, not sure what.

    • Even the snake one? I’m not sure I can go for the snake one. I only included it for the “Crotch Point” moment. I like the sound of that phrase, like that moment where the match is almost over…”Ladies and gentlemen, CROTCH POINT”, and the crowd goes quiet as the rackets, or paddles are raised.
      Make of that what you will.
      Ty

      • In the snake one, I mostly like the way her shirt is popping open. Although Crotch Point sounds like a great place to set a horror film. Don’t go to Crotch Point. And if you do, don’t have vanilla teenaged sex. ‘Cuz that’s when the DartMan gets you! Aaaaaahhhhh!

  6. All I’m saying is that Lois Lane got me through my parent’s divorce, my weekend captured in the woods by boyscout troop leader, Eddie, and the death of my innocence, all in one two year period, so you gotta give them some props. What are all those lovely sketch cards for, Richard?
    http://burningmonster.blogspot.com/
    They pretty.

  7. Hey, you should do a follow-up of this one except with Wonder Woman.

    I’m sure there’s PLENTY of material to work with 😉

  8. Great article. And the winner is… the Super-hombre cover! I always liked Kurt Schaffenberger’s L.L. and not one made the list, bah! 🙂

    • Only because Kurt never tied her up like Oksner and Giordano did. If Kurt had put a few sheep shanks together, we could talk.

  9. Does issue 54 count? It’s by Schaffenberger and has both a crotch point and a bent lamp post…
    Issue 73 is another great Schaffenberger cover, with the reverse theme (Lois whipping a Superman puppet while Superman looks on helplessly); that one has always disturbed me.
    Looks like you picked a popular topic for discussion this time Ty.

  10. You really want to offend the wife, show her this one. I actually remember reading this one when I was a kid.

  11. @betterbabybox, hahhhhhaaahahahahhhahahahahahahhahhhahahahhahahahahahah! I’ll try and be offended when I can see through the tears of laughter.

    Oh, men. Aren’t they so cute with their little drawings, sometimes?

  12. and @betterbabybox…hon? Nicely disconcerting to see that calm little “Yum” next to your very adorable baby pic! Fits the theme of the post perfectly!

  13. Here’s links to those Schaffenberger covers that I mentioned above, for those that don’t have complete collections:
    Issue 54
    http://www.comics.org/issue/18914/cover/4/?style=default
    Issue 73
    http://www.comics.org/issue/20927/cover/4/?style=default

    • I have a complete set of Lois Lane comics, all the way back to Showcase #9 (her first solo comic book). The Superman family of comics is one of my first collections that I went after with a vengeance. I also have an ALMOST complete Jimmy Olsen set, and a fairly complete Superboy series. My earliest Jimmy is issue #3 and my earliest Superboy is #15.

      • Glad to hear it Ty. I don’t have near enough of them, but the Jimmy Olsens, Lois Lanes and Curt Swan World’s Finest issues are amongst the favorites in my collection (after Mad Dog, Powdered Toastman, Batman Adventures and a few others of course).

  14. Haha great list. You’d make Freud proud! I have to admit I didn’t see any of the perverted stuff you saw at first glance, maybe you’ve looked at the covers too much (or maybe the artist were really bored!)

    I believe even Freud said “Sometimes a bent lamppost is just a bent lamppost.”

    • It’s not that there’s a perverted subtext to the images that I might be reading too much into, it’s that these covers all came at the readers one after another for about a year, with no hint of it happening to the title before or since. They’re all so out of sync with the wholesome Lois Lane covers of any other year that it’s worth noting them. It can’t be a co-incidence that she’s suddenly tied up by snakes, bending lampposts, crashing trains, and having darts aimed at her crotch, just because it’s 1973?!?

  15. I can’t believe people are still commenting on this entry! But now that I’ve had time to think about it, Ty… Remember that then-Editor-in-Chief Carmine Infantino was doing cover layouts for most of DC’s superhero titles in those days, and now that I look at Giordano’s cover of #111, I’ll lay odds that Carmine was responsible for the layout, and realizing that, he probably did the layouts for all seven of these covers!

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