This joyous season, it’s hard enough to get your shopping done, wrap the gifts, and put the tinsel on the tree, without having to escape the many monstrous incarnations of Santa out there, ready to rend your flesh, feast on your bones and make soup from your eyeballs. Lord knows, I never pull it off. It’s why I’m mostly bionic nowadays, having lost much of my original body parts to a zombie Santa years ago. Still, it’s worth it, just to see the look of horror and shock on the innocent faces of the little children Christmas morning.
THE TOP SEVEN MONSTER SANTAS IN COMIC BOOKS.
Sure, the Nazis are great traditional monsters, with giant ghostly Nazis doubly so–But it takes that extra bit of pure evil to put on a Santa beard and hat before you go haunting people. Fascist bastards. I hope they lose the war…
Santa Claws, get it? It’s a pun! And a bloody obvious one, at that, though it’s usually reserved for pictures of kitty cats in red stocking caps. At least this version of the pun will rip your face off and make it into a sandwich. That’s an X-Mas “yule” remember. See? Puns are fun.
This is, by the way, the first ever published work of Mike Deodato Jr. , and it’s been all downhill ever since.
He knows when you’ve been sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake, which is a pretty frightening thing when you consider it. And whoever knows fear – BURNS AT THE SANTA-THING’S TOUCH! AHH! AHH! AHHHH! That will warm up even the coldest winter nights.
Milk and cookies? MILK AND COOKIES!?!? I need the blood of virgin children to survive! Maybe comic books ARE bad for children after all. Or maybe they’re only for BAD children. Either way, the comics code is spinning in its grave, which is zombie-like behavior anyway.
Speaking of zombies….
It’s hard to tell, but that looks like a reindeer leg. If so, this monster Santa is not so much as zombie, as someone who likes game meat, and who doesn’t? (Well, maybe my vegetarian wife…) Myself, I’d eat the whole set of reindeer except Rudolph, as the glowing nose suggests radiation poisoning. Still, no milk and cookies for this bad boy, either.
The Nightmare Before “The Nightmare Before Christmas”. The best part of this, by far is that he disguised his face with a plastic mask, but didn’t bother to cover up his rotting meat hands. I guess Santa wears green gloves anyway, so kids wouldn’t know to run until he got close enough to smell.
Robots aren’t usually considered monsters (unless you count my dishwasher, which is clearly satanic on every level), but Futurama’s Robot Santa works at it enough to qualify. His annual killing spree was one of the best reasons to love the TV series, and it’s good to see he visits the comic stores with equally vicious abandon at this time of year. John Goodman hasn’t played a character this evil since King Ralph.
That’s it for today Christmas shoppers. Join us back here tomorrow, when the good citizens of the world fight back against this parade of dangerous Kris Kringles in part three of our week long festival of unpleasant Christmas imagery. The Jolly Fat man goes down hard!
Ty the Guy OUT!
For those who missed it: Click on the image below for yesterday’s entry: WHEN SANTAS ATTACK!
Here now, your Christmas time comic book moment of zen: