The nights get longer, and so do these blog titles.
Not For Kids today. Sorry little ones, head out of the room while the grown ups giggle about boobies and stuff.
It’s Christmas Eve, and naturally, my mind turns to uncomfortable moments of inappropriate sexuality on Christmas Comic Book Covers. It’s who I am. At least, I’ve stopped posting images of Santa Claus’ corpse… for now…
Today, check your innocence at the door, and expect to get it back all covered in carpet hair and something awful, as I present to you…
THE SEVEN MOST INAPPROPRIATELY NAUGHTY COMIC BOOK CHRISTMAS COVERS
Okay, first: That’s a sex-face that would make Greg Land proud. I’ve never seen that expression on a girl in any other Archie Comic, or else I would have been a life-long subscriber. Second: There’s just a whole mess of wrong in the way Reggie is posed all dry-humpy like that, and though I know it’s part of the ladder, it might have been best not to have that bit poking up between his legs. Once you start to see it the wrong way, you’re not so sure about what Moose and Archie are up to either.
The girl in the sexy Santa suit is a staple of the holiday season. I get that. But the bra-less come hither look that Sue is flashing the reader while her brother and husband are in the room just creeps me the hell out. And let’s not ignore Ben’s massive sack or the weird, vein-y shape we’re getting from Reed’s head. Everything about this image shouts “Think of old nuns and baseball or your very soul is imperiled!”.
For children. Children of ALL ages. Give this to your thirteen year old boy, and see if you’ll get him out of his room before New Year’s Eve. You have to admire the marketing to the youngsters. It’s like a Joe Camel, only for starter porn.
Who doesn’t love Paul Dini’s JINGLE BELLE? She’s an adorable little minx who gets into trouble at the North Pole in these adorable little specials that Dini and his pals do every year. You can ignore the stripper pole image to the left, or the many butt-centric poses she finds herself in, as her stories are usually light-hearted fun that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, or anything else. But the big cover above contains what is clearly an image of Santa checking out Belle’s ass, and raising his hand to give it an ol’ rump slap, possibly for stealing those cookies. This is all fine, until you recall that Jingle Belle is Santa’s teen aged daughter. Then it all goes straight to hell. Go wash your eyes.
Why? Why would Mac Raboy and Fawcett Comics make this cover and force the image of Santa Claus in tights into my brain? I mean, we can see everything, okay? Just ew. It’s bad enough that Santa was riding on Captain Marvel like a pony-boy the previous Christmas, (as seen to the left…imagine the feeling of being perched atop those rock hard buttocks, molded from the flesh of Greek Gods as you fly through the sky, and get back to me…) but does Santa have have to strip down to the spandex leggings when he hangs out with the crippled teenaged boys? Whertham was right.
By all that is holy, Wonder Woman, run! Don’t listen to Green Lantern, that honeybee condom isn’t going to help. Stay true to your Amazon heritage and RUN!! Okay…I might be seeing smut where it wasn’t intended in this cover (though it’s hard not to see it) but you’ll never convince me the next cover was an accident…
Right? Right? That is one damn happy carrot she’s holding onto, and one heck of a pile of snow. For god’s sake, she’s actually not even wearing pants. One wonders if Mike Deodato Jr. ever stopped giggling that they actually put this into comic stores.
Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and so I’ll post only lovely, friendly, happy Christmas Covers, I promise. (I can’t imagine anyone will be online…but just in case).
Ty the Guy OUT!
NOTE: The Santa countdown has been running all week:
Click HERE for Seven Most Homicidal Santas
Click HERE for Seven Monster Santas
Click HERE for Seven best DEAD Santas
Click HERE for Ten Best Santa vs. Superhero fights
And now your comic book horrible Santa Sexuality moment of zen:
The Ultimate Warrior from the WWE, steals Santa’s pants after…something…happened between them in his Christmas Comic Special. This is a double page “spread”, and not a cover, or else it would have been #2 on the above list. The cover itself isn’t that bad….
Fun list, but there’s no way any of these seven are more inappropriate than the Santa with the dominatrix. I don’t even know how to feel about that one; is it hot? Creepy? That’s how you measure how inappropriate something is!
Also, why the hell haven’t I been reading these Jingle Belle stories?
My take on it, Travis, is that the Dominatrix vs. Santa cover is on an adults-only, unsubtle fetish product that isn’t slightly aimed at an all ages audience, whereas the seven on my list were sold to general audiences, often without intending to be as creepy as they were. It’s not inappropriate to have a creepy/hot cover on a bondage comic, that’s what they’re for! (I think there’s a Cherry Poptart Santa cover, and a Penthouse Men’s Comic Santa cover as well…but those are SUPPOSED to look like that.) I was going for the “creepy where it shouldn’t be” genre.
I dig it. I might have gone with “most sexually subversive” instead of “inappropriate,” but then you’re the paid professional. You’re clearly doing just fine without a geek like me nitpicking! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna Google “Cherry Poptart Santa” and see what comes up.
Well, once again you definitely “nailed Santa” with this list.
Steven G. Willis
The Justice Society thinks they can steal little Timmy’s Christmas gifts while he sleeps, but little Timmy is smarter than that…
I guess they don’t get SNL on Paradise Island.
Glory….where do you even start? Ah well, but apparently the snowman finished.
The really funny thing is, after looking at the Jingle Belle image, then reading the description, I realized that I hadn’t even seen Santa. I was too distracted. Graeme got a good laugh at that one. And I have to say that your #1 pick even made the Image logo look super dirty.
BTW, if you ever need a gift idea for me, Jingle Belle all the way…
Yeah, you’re right, the Image Logo looks kind of “fleshy” once you’re down that rabbit hole. Hey, is that an expression anyone’s ever made smutty before? Down the Rabbit Hole? It’s got that Alice in Wonderland thing, and well, Hefner and the rabbits…who knows, I’ll start making it smutty, right after the holidays. Until then, Happy Kringle to one and all! Love ya lots, Heather.
Ty the Bunny Guy
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IMO the answer to why Mac Raboy would force that particular image into your brain was covered by Lewis Black’s explanation of aneurisms. It’s one of those things that you see or hear and… if you don’t pass it on, it attaches to your brainstem. Six months later you fall down dead and nobody knows why. THIS is why. Raboy passed it on to you, you passed it on to us (thanks for that), and now we’ve all got to go out and find some unsuspecting oaf to give it to.
I am shocked that Glory doesn’t have “snow” melting off her face. It’s not like they were going or subtle to start with.