Ladies and Comics Fans, taking their clothes off for you today… (slightly NSFW)

As readers know, my wife and I erotically danced our way through Harvard Medical School under the names “the Elongated Man & Sue Dibney“, and of course “Kitty Pryde” and “The Fastest Man Alive” is who we perform as nowadays, on nights we can get a sitter for the kids.

But I became SO famous under both of those great comic-book-male-stripper names, that I took those jewels of the comic-book-male-stripper-names crown out of circulation for anyone who follows me onto the stage.  I feel guilty about that.  Especially since the other two great-comic-book-male-stripper-names, Colossal Boy and the Man of Steel, currently belong to my uncle Staninslaw, who tours and performs under those names throughout the Ukraine and Greater Boston areas.

Uncle Staninslaw gets Biz-ay as Colossal Boy.

So I dug in and did my duty, doing the research to help out any helpless hypothetical super-strippers to come, any un-named graphic novel grinders of the uncertain future who need an alternative to dancing under the alias Speedball,  Mr. Bones or Herbie The Fat Fury.

So here the are, the…

TOP FIFTEEN MALE STRIPPER NAMES FROM THE WORLD OF COMICS!

15 – Paul Mounts

Talented Marvel Colorist and Incomplete Rude Sentence.  Show off your knowledge of the coloring bullpen, while you keep the party rocking using this naughty nom de dirty dance.

14-     SGT. ROCK and LITTLE SURE SHOT

The “battle hardened” men of “Easy Company”.

13-  WOODGOD

Looks like Pan, sounds like a spokesman for Viagra.   So obscure he’s never been mentioned in Civil War or Fear Itself.

14-  BLACK GOLIATH

You come for the stripper name, but you stay for the polyester belly window.  Later he made his costume look way better.

Later, Marvel killed him off.

11- IRON FIST

Your safe word is "K’un-L’un."

10- PETER PORKER

I don't know the name of the green-haired clam. I don't wish to know.

9- Princess Python

For certain clubs, only.  But the Captain America fans in the audience will make it rain.

8- THE HARLEM HAMMER

A minor character in the WILD CARDS comic book series.  Though this is the Harlem Hammer’s only cover appearance, every word on it is also a porn name.

7- BUCK WILD

A one-off Luke Cage spoof from Milestone in yellow diapers = the Harlem Hammer TEAMED-UP with the Yellow Streak!  Do the stripper-name math.

6- STEELGRIP STARKEY AND HIS ALL-PURPOSE POWER TOOL

Great stage name, but the series only ran six issues.  The all-purpose power tool often promises to last longer than it actually does.

5- WALLY WOOD

Mildly amusing in the USA. Translates directly to “Schlong Erection” in Australia.    Look it up.

4- The PENETRATOR

He’s a minor character from Deadpool, dressed like a SHIELD agent biting his way out of a green body-condom,  and his “real” name is JACK  HAMMER.   The only way this guy could hit the great comic-book-male-stripper-name triple play, would be if Penetrator had a THIRD secret identity called “the Weasel”.

Wait,    HE DID?!?

3- PETER O’TOOLE

“Peter”  and “O’Tool” are a pair of 20th Century slang terms translating to:  “Penis O’Penis” – Both the best opening line for a romantic ode ever, and the only Oscar winning stripper-name in history.  Peter played, Zor-El, (Supergirl’s father) in the porn-film-production-quality film, Supergirl –

–so Mr. O’Toole qualifies to be in this group.

2-  GIANT-SIZED MAN THING

Back in the 70s, this was on everybody’s “pull list”.  Don’t mind the Sploog, people, that’s what happens when you’re attacked by IRON MAN or the BLOB.

I warned you about the sound effect.

And now…the winner…the greatest Comic-Book-Themed-Male-Stripper-Name is…

1- DICK SPRANG!

Of course it is.

This Golden Age Batman artist was a cautionary tale about christening one’s children while drunk, and the finest comic-book-themed-male-stripper-name possible by law.

A Dick Sprang-giant balls sequence, actually typical of his work. Not kidding.

From those oversize rooftop advertising models, to the length of the nose on the Penguin comics he drew, the fan-ladies in the audience know the legend of Dick Sprang and will react accodingly.

If there are any comic-book-themed-male-strippers out there looking for a name:  I give you Dick Sprang.  The stage is yours to dance upon…

Penguin works the pole, courtesy of Dick Sprang.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your bonus Inappropriate Comic Book Naming Moment:

Again:  Do not name things while drunk.

15 responses to “Ladies and Comics Fans, taking their clothes off for you today… (slightly NSFW)

  1. Dang, never thought of Peter O’Toole in such a, ummm, unique, light… Most enjoyable, as always!

    Cheers!

    Steven Willis
    XOWComics.com

  2. Too bad Dick Butkus (pronounced but-kiss) never made a cameo in NFL Superpro (but Howie Long did fight Wolverine in a licensed comic) or you could have had a strange moebius loop of reality going into comics and then seeping back into reality with good stripper names.

    Just a passing thought.

  3. Proud to be on the list, but — that picture???….yeeeks…

  4. Obligatory “What about…” suggestions:

    “Jeff Smith’s Bone
    The Big Guy and Rusty the Robot
    Matter-Eater Lad
    Chairface Chippendale
    Triphammer (from Powers)
    Toyman (would be either very popular or very creepy; no middle ground)
    Bishop (hardly the only phallic X-Man name, what with Cyclops and The Beast out there)
    Elongated Man
    Flaming Carrot

    And I’m pretty sure if you scour the South long enough, you’ll find a guy stripping under the name Beta Ray Bill. He probably swings a big hammer and affects the appearance of a horse…and has no idea about the Thor character.

  5. I was not aware that color artist Paul Mounts was blind. I applaud Marvel for hiring the visually impaired.

  6. Some of my critics have been saying this for years.

  7. Paul is a wonderful person…and that`s not a photo of Paul going blind, but in fact, Paul experiencìng “le petit mort“, a state of mind similar to a state of grace. When this happens in public, it`s best to back away slowly and let him be.

  8. O, come on about that last remark, Ty!

    How about the Spidey (I think) villain the Mandrill?

    • Ooooh. Mandrill. Excellent choice, sir. I had not thought of him. I`m sure there`s a few dozen more, these came out of my fevered noggin as fast as I could type them. When I got to fifteen, I felt it was enough. But Mandrill is so good, I`d consider knocking off Woodgod, only because Woody`s fur only extends to his legs and back. Mandrill is ALL hairy.

  9. I actually don’t know what Mandrill looks like, right off, but the name just popped into my head. Man-drill. chickachickabow!

    He needs a Giant Size one shot his own self.

  10. Shot in the dark here, but due to the way he’s (it’s?) dressed, I’d guess that’s Doc Clamson.

  11. I suppose it’s terribly classless to suggest that “the green-haired clam” is what Wolverine calls Lorna Dane when he’s drunk.

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