Category Archives: Christmas

Christmas Eve Bun Toons 2011! YAY!

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I got shopping to do, I got scripts to write, I got home made presents to paint, sand down and apply glue to.    Merry yourselves into a stupor folks, I’ll see you in a few days.

Ty the Christmas Guy OUT!

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In the meantime-

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Here’s one of mine that goes around the internet every Christmas, from a DC Christmas Special in the late 90s.

And if you missed this year’s Holiday Bun Toon from a couple of weeks ago, I’d love to you to go read it, I’m actually happy with how it turned out.

It doesn't look very Christmas-y from this image above, but click it anyway.

Click here to read last week's Bun Toon which doesn't mention Christmas at ALL, the lousy Scrooge!

For my year round Christmas gift to you fine folks: the COMPLETE Bun Toons online FREE with the click of this button.

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And now:  The Christmas Comic Book Cover We Need Never See Again—

 

Ride ’em Kringle! The Top Seven Alternative Methods of Transportation for Santa Claus.

These titles are getting longer, just like the nights.

With the price of gas, the concern for the environment, and the need to be ahead of the hipness curve, people are talking about alternative transportation.

Therefore, so are we.

THE TOP SEVEN ALTERNATIVES TO SANTA’S TRADITIONAL SLEIGH.

Number #7

THE  SNOWMOBILE

What makes this Dennis the Menace cover from 1967 an outstanding example of the commonplace sleigh-Skidoo-switcheroo genre is the gleeful mix of reindeer abandonment and felony kidnapping.

Number #6

 The Grim Toboggan.  

The man in the top hat knows that the night of swallowing uppers, bathtub gin, and the lies of a red-suited lumberjack have led to this… their deaths on a plummeting toboggan.

Number #5

The Sex Rocket

With two balls of spitting fire and a control basket jammed tight up into Father Ho-Ho’s man-business, Dell’s Santa Claus Funnies #66 produced an image from my childhood I’ve never been able to un-see.  Whatever madness gripped their cover artist to produce this Freudian nightmare, thank god it never happened again.

Number #4

The Sex Jeep.

He’s riding the steering wheel with his balls!   His BALLS, people!  How is this going to happen?   Once Santa realized how ill fitting this jeep was for his ungainly physique, he simply wouldn’t have started the engine.  Use logic!   Think of the children!

Number #3

 The Future Tech Cyborg Hovercar Thing, Mounted with the Severed Head of Rudolph, Kept Alive by Cruel Science

That’s what I see here.  I might be wrong, but I think that’s the hellish dystopia that lays ahead for Rudolph in the world of Archie 3000.   I truly hope this is saving a lot of gasoline or something, or it’s just a tragic waste of a glowing deer.

Number #2

FEAR.

Fear gives you the wings that Red Bull only promises you, and it  gets you two blocks away faster than a bus.  The people terrifying St. Nick here include a serial killer, a demon with hell-born powers, a homicidal rage addict shouting death threats, and a pagan deity with the power to summon lightning.  RUN,  Santa!  Don’t slow down for Blitzen, he’s already lost!

Number #1

Human Enslavement.

Kids: If looking at this makes you ticklish, see a doctor.

When the reindeer are on strike, or have been recently eaten (in this economy, meat is expensive), Santa turns to people with super-powers, and enslaves them to his will.

It was a either a life of servitude, or be put to the fire.

Bwah hah hah! You must do my bidding Superman! I control your very WILL!

Tune in tomorrow when we look below the phony beard and uncover the legion of Imposter Santas!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Now, your BONUS Alternate Transportation Santas:

It’s Jerry Garcia from the Grateful Dead. He’s taking a trip without the sleigh, get it? Get it? It’s that 70s drug humor that Chevy Chase made famous.

Okay then, we’ll leave you with this.

Why do I find this funny? It's because it's a Vortex comic, right?

Click below for more Christmas joy:

SINGING SWORD OF SANTA: The Top Seven Santas with a Bladed Weapon

Click here for last year's post.

Where the First Noel meets the First to draw blood.  Where the Slay Bells can be heard.  When there’s murder coming down the chimney.  Something about the happy holidays brings out the cynical bastard and the terrible pun comedy writer in a certain segment of the population, and that segment creates and reads comic books, clearly.

Last year I ran a few Santa Comic covers involving Father Christmas and gun play.  This season, we go the more medieval route and deal with the sharp, pointy Christmas every emergency room can enjoy.  Get out the band-aids and “score” along at home, kiddies, it’s why he’s called St. “Nick”.   Here’s …

THE TOP SEVEN COMIC BOOK SANTAS WITH AN EDGE

#7

DON’T MAKE SANTA CUT YOU, MAN!

It’s by far the smallest blade we’ll be seeing today, on, by far, the most famous comic.  Frank Miller wrote this issue (and I believe did a thumbnail cover sketch) so you can assume Santa is attacking Matt Murdoch because he’s a smelly, blind, protester.  This iconic Daredevil image (actually rendered by David Mazzucchelli) is both a delightful entry into the Pointy Santa genre, and an opportunity to call Frank Miller an asshole in public again, and we all enjoy that.

 #6

PUNS ARE FUN

Everyone succumbs to this joke when they run out of pride, and it usually involves lol cats with red hats on.  This cover above is a good example of the Santa Claws with pointy fingers genre, but the real winner is Mike Deodato’s seminal work on the subject “What if Santa Claus and Wolverine Had a Love Child?” from last year’s Monster Santas List.    It’s worth noting that Deodato begins his career in the comics biz with the cover to the left.  Now he draws the Avengers with the real life Wolverine in it.  Dreams do come true.

#5

UP ON THE ROOFTOP, RUN LIKE HELL!

You’ve heard of Axe-Cop?  Meet Axe-Santa, the lovable elf with no time for subtlety or living witnesses.  Creepy Magazine was so happy with the idea of an axe-wielding Kris Kringle that they brought him back more than once.

Later, he got INSIDE the house. Ho ho horrifying!

#4

FORGED IN THE FIRES OF THE NORTH POLE!

These Katana blades are cursed.  Once drawn, they must taste the blood of naughty children or thousands will die.  Or something like that.  The darn thing writes itself.

#3

Dodgem Logic.

Santa is the reaper of death, carrying a HUGE scythe,  riding us all down on a hell-reindeer.  That’s seven levels of awesome sauce in the same jar. Alan Moore edits and publishes this magazine, so it’s sure to be adapted into a film he’ll be taking his name off of, any day now.  It’s probably about wizard magic, hemp rings and Thatcher’s politics anyway, so you’re not missing much.

#2

By This Axe, I Yule.

( I told you puns are fun.)

You know this guy got the axe by taking it from the cold dead hands of the skinny red bastard on the Creepy covers a few entries back. This is a Santa who knows how to stop creatures from stirring all through the house. What could possibly be better than the man who brings you the blessings of Crom’s hatred each winter?

#1

SAMURAI SANTA

You asked what could be better, and I delivered.   This too-cool-for-yule bad ass stoneface killer is the ultimate in blade based Christmas covers.  There’s no possible way any Santa could ever be more…

#1 +

SAVAGE  SAMURAI SANTA vs. GINGERBREAD NINJAS

I stand corrected.  Everything is better if it’s “Savage”,“New”, “Extreme”  or “wrapped in tasty bacon”, and when don’t we want more ninjas?    Most importantly, look at his eyes;  he’s preparing to totally KILL DOWN on those gingerbread dragon-tong-sensei-kung-fu-cookie-men, so I’m on his side!

Next year:  New Bacon-Wrapped Savage Samurai Santa in Extreme Warrior Lemon Scented Action.  He’ll be fighting vampires, if they know their marketing.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS Santa with a Blade

It’s a different kind of blade, obviously.

Top Seven Most Awful Things To Find in your Stocking

Last December, I helped festive up the internet yuleing by offering up a sampling of the most inappropriate Santa Claus images from Christmas comic book covers of yesteryore.

The corruption of our cherished funnybook memories continues with…

The Top Seven Most Awful Things to Find in your Stocking

#7

TEENAGED BOYS

As someone who lives with an actual teenage boy, trust me, this is something you do NOT want to discover in your home on Christmas morning.  The reason it takes a teenager twelve years to attain its final form is so that the parents have become used to the child at that point, and less likely to attack it out of fear.  A brand new teenager in the house would be dead within a week.

#6

LIVE DOGS

I don’t know who the darned puppet is, but he’s clearly saying “Howdy” to the dog doody that even I can smell across the room. What sane person would put a puppy, too young to be house trained, into a confining sock over night?   The only thing more foolish would be to stuff five of them in there!

Wha..?

#5 

THE WEAPONS OF EVIL

Hot Stuff is a demon child, part of the hierarchical system of HELL, and he will someday grow up to be one the torturers of the damned.  The pitchfork is the weapon of choice of demons, and Santa knows how to supply them.  The theological implications of this cover could set Christianity back MONTHS.

#4

BETRAYAL

Look upon the face of the cat.  He stares out at us in existential pain.  Did he deserve this vile fate?  The rodent  emerges from a Christmas stocking on the very day of peace and joy, when such an attack would be at its most duplicitous and unforgivable.  Super Mouse is a creature without honor, and the cat dies a martyr in my eyes.

#3

ANYTHING NAMED SLUGGO.

Be it human being, ice cream treat or industrial byproduct, I do not want anything named “Sluggo” in a stocking.  That’s just good policy.

#2

VULGAR IMMORALITY 

The woman on the cover is either a prostitute, a Russian bride, or someone with a complicated set of emotions about her father and men in general, and since there’s brothers involved in this sordid tale of anonymous sex, one of them will get possessive, fists will fly, and so will tears.    Santa destroys families with this flashy pimp stuff.  He should know better.

#1

IMPROPERLY STORED MEATS

Forget the fatal toxin factory brewing in that simmering stew bag all night and consider that poor girl’s fate even if the stocking HAD been refrigerated: cardiac-arrest at age twenty-nine, after billowing into a 400 pound emo-goth chick with tattoos she can’t find, all because of a sick, sick enabling Santa on the ONE Christmas it might have mattered.

This delightful Holiday cover wouldn’t be so funny if Little Lotta was bathing in Jack Daniel’s and snorting cocaine off a chained-up leopard’s back, now would it? No, that we call a DISEASE. But THIS we can laugh at?

Shameful.

I have to assume the editor removed her right foot as a horrific reminder of the grim diabetic future she may be facing.

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See you tomorrow for SANTA:  MASTER OF THE EDGED WEAPON!

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOW your BONUS Christmas Stocking Cover:

This image is a fascinating collection of what the hell?

Click below to see past Christmas lists and Christmas Toons:

AND it’s a little late to get ’em for your stocking, you can still order SKETCHBOOK by TY for a little post-Christmas goodness. Click below to get the details, and to see some pages;

Happy Christmas 2010. My favorite Santa Cover

The Golden Age of everything is twelve.

I was twelve years old the Christmas that this giant comic book came out, and it is forever enshrined as my favorite Christmas comic book of all time.  It’s not better drawn, or better composed than other covers, but it was in my stocking twenty five years ago, to this day, and I cannot see this lovely illustration by Nick Cardy without being transported to my childhood home, and my childhood sense of joy at the holidays.

It won’t mean the same to you guys, but I present it, nevertheless…happy Kringle to all.

And now some “unseen” Christmas Comic Book moments of zen:

An official DC Christmas card from a few years back.  Bruce Timm drew the Wonder Woman figure, and I did the rest.

And…

My un-used original version for the  DC Christmas Special collection from the year 2000 (or thereabouts, don’t make me remember dates!).  The final cover that was used was slightly different, and this version only used in the advertising.

Ty the Kringle Guy OUT!

CHRISTMAS COMIC COVERS V: Tingle Bells, Chestnuts Roasting, and the Seven Most Inappropriately Sexy Comic Book X-Mas Covers!

The nights get longer, and so do these blog titles.

Work the camera, you hot bitch.

Not For Kids today.  Sorry little ones, head out of the room while the grown ups giggle about boobies and stuff.

And big powerful rockets...

It’s Christmas Eve, and naturally, my mind turns to uncomfortable moments of inappropriate sexuality on Christmas Comic Book Covers.  It’s who I am.  At least, I’ve stopped posting images of Santa Claus’ corpse… for now…

Whereas this sort of thing is making a comeback.

Today, check your innocence at the door, and expect to get it back all covered in carpet hair and something awful, as I present to you…

THE SEVEN MOST INAPPROPRIATELY  NAUGHTY COMIC BOOK CHRISTMAS COVERS

#7

Okay, first:  That’s a sex-face that would make Greg Land proud.  I’ve never seen that expression on a girl in any other Archie Comic, or else I would have been a life-long subscriber.  Second:  There’s just a whole mess of wrong in the way Reggie is posed all dry-humpy like that, and though I know it’s part of the ladder, it might have been best not to have that bit poking up between his legs.  Once you start to see it the wrong way, you’re not so sure about what Moose and Archie are up to either.

#6

The girl in the sexy Santa suit is a staple of the holiday season.  I get that.   But the bra-less come hither look that Sue is flashing the reader while her brother and husband are in the room just creeps me the hell out.  And let’s not ignore Ben’s massive sack or the weird, vein-y shape we’re getting from Reed’s head.  Everything about this image shouts “Think of old nuns and baseball or your very soul is imperiled!”.

#5

For children.  Children of ALL ages.  Give this to your thirteen year old boy, and see if you’ll get him out of his room before New Year’s Eve.   You have to admire the marketing to the youngsters.  It’s like a Joe Camel, only for starter porn.

#4

Who doesn’t love Paul Dini’s JINGLE BELLE?  She’s an adorable little minx who gets into trouble at the North Pole in these adorable little specials that Dini and his pals do every year.   You can ignore the stripper pole image to the left, or the many butt-centric poses she finds herself in, as her stories are usually light-hearted fun that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, or anything else.  But the big cover above contains what is clearly an image of Santa checking out Belle’s ass, and raising his hand to give it an ol’ rump slap, possibly for stealing those cookies.  This is all fine, until you recall that Jingle Belle is Santa’s teen aged daughter.  Then it all goes straight to hell.   Go wash your eyes.

#3

Why?  Why would Mac Raboy and Fawcett Comics make this cover and force the image of Santa Claus in tights into my brain?  I mean, we can see everything, okay?  Just ew.  It’s bad enough that Santa was riding on Captain Marvel like a pony-boy the previous Christmas, (as seen to the left…imagine the feeling of being perched atop those rock hard buttocks, molded from the flesh of Greek Gods as you fly through the sky, and get back to me…) but does Santa have have to strip down to the spandex leggings when he hangs out with the crippled teenaged boys?  Whertham was right.

#2

By all that is holy, Wonder Woman, run!  Don’t listen to Green Lantern, that honeybee condom isn’t going to help.  Stay true to your Amazon heritage and RUN!!  Okay…I might be seeing smut where it wasn’t intended in this cover (though it’s hard not to see it) but you’ll never convince me the next cover was an accident…

#1

Right?  Right?  That is one damn happy carrot she’s holding onto, and one heck of a pile of snow.  For god’s sake, she’s actually not even wearing pants.  One wonders if Mike Deodato Jr. ever stopped giggling that they actually put this into comic stores.

Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and so I’ll post only lovely, friendly, happy Christmas Covers, I promise.  (I can’t imagine anyone will be online…but just in case).

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOTE:  The Santa countdown has been running all week:

Click HERE for Seven Most Homicidal Santas

Click HERE for Seven Monster Santas

Click HERE for Seven best DEAD Santas

Click HERE for Ten Best Santa vs. Superhero fights

And now your comic book horrible Santa Sexuality moment of zen:

The Ultimate Warrior from the WWE, steals Santa’s pants after…something…happened between them in his Christmas Comic Special.  This is a double page “spread”, and not a cover, or else it would have been #2 on the above list.  The cover itself isn’t that bad….

 

SANTA WARS IV: He Knows When You’ve Been Sleeping WITH THE FISHES. The Top Seven Dead Santa Covers

Ask not for whom the bell jingles. It jingles for thee.

Whew.  That might be my longest title ever up there, but what can you do with sequels? Once there’s a set of Roman Numerals involved, things get ungainly.

After a few days of wholly inappropriate images of homicidal Santas,  monster Santas, and beaten, hogtied Santas, we arrive at the inevitable fate for these poor icons of the winter solstice…

I warn you, this is not for the kiddies.  You think I’ve had some inappropriate images before?   There’s a couple here you don’t want your eight year old to see….  You’ve been duly warned, but I can’t help myself, I’m in the holiday mood and I want to share….

THE TOP SEVEN DEAD SANTA COMIC BOOK COVERS.

#7

I have a newsflash for all concerned:  Santa loses the match.  The cover is a bit of a giveaway, as the Santa I know would be fighting back a little harder while that Zombie lady rips out his throat, unless he was already dead.   At least the brains will keep fresh at the North Pole.   This is an indy comic, so you might not have seen it, but it has the dead Santa spirit in such evidence I was charmed into including it.    The following indy comic…

…doesn’t give you a good enough look at Santa’s remains for it to have made the cut.  It’s nice to see the indies getting in on all the dead Santa fun, but you got to bring me the flesh if you want my vote!

#6

No matter how cute and amusing we may or may not think Casper the Friendly Ghost is, we must never forget that he’s the spectral remains of a dead child, held to this Earth by an unsolved murder, or some other never-resolved trauma of unimaginable sorrow.

And in this issue:  He’s Santa!

#5

We’ve ruled out a robbery, the murderer left behind a dolly and a toy drum, both as valuable as diamonds on Christmas Eve.

Is it just me, or does the entire Justice League seem to be waving their crotches at the dead Santa corpse.  They’re posed awfully strangely.  Maybe it’s just me.  This is a personal treasure of mine, as I still own the copy I bought when I was twelve.  Dead Santa good times.

#4

This delightful image of the Santa corpse stuck in the chimney ( seared into our brains by the movie Gremlins) is rendered here in loving detail by Joe Jusko, Conan cover artist of the Eighties.  One of the better Marvel Holiday issues of this era, mostly because it didn’t have Dazzler in it.

#3

Nick Cardy (who drew my favorite Christmas comic cover of all time, we’ll get to that one in a day or so…) gives us this unquestioned masterpiece of the Kris Kringle Korpse genre.  The best part:  The skeletal remains are still fat, no matter how much of the body has rotted off the skull.  Ah, the joys of the holidays.  Why are people reading this sick, sick, entry?

#2

This special one shot was a spin-off from the series SOUTHERN KNIGHTS, produced in the late Eighties.   No, Carl and Larry are not gay, they’re just carefree assassins with a good attitude and a strong work ethic.  Get your mind out of the gutter and just let the men do their job.  This cover is subversive in every way, isn’t it?  One of those images that most artists only aspire to.  Why are museums usually so empty of these kinds of scenes on the wall?

Okay, next one’s not for the squeamish, but that’s why you’re here.

#1

There’s actually a few lovely dead Santa covers for this LIVING DEAD  series, but in all the other ones, Father Christmas is up and walking around like a zombie.  At least for this one, Santa’s corpse has the decency to sit still and that earns it my number one spot.   If you’re going to be dead, keep in one place, this is not Weekend at Bernie’s, it’s a holy holiday.

If you think any of these made you squirm, come back here tomorrow for the top seven INAPPROPRIATELY SEXY CHRISTMAS COMIC BOOK COVERS.  Until then —

Ty the Guy OUT!

Go HERE for the Top Seven Homicidal Santas.  Go HERE for the Top Seven Monster Santas, and HERE for the Top Ten Santas going down in defeat to super-heroes.

Here now, your Dead Santa Claus moment of zen:

It's Jerry Garcia, get it?

If you’re too young to know who Jerry Garcia is, then I’m too old to be making jokes about him.  And that’s MY moment of zen.