Category Archives: Ty’s Lists

Ladies and Comics Fans, taking their clothes off for you today… (slightly NSFW)

As readers know, my wife and I erotically danced our way through Harvard Medical School under the names “the Elongated Man & Sue Dibney“, and of course “Kitty Pryde” and “The Fastest Man Alive” is who we perform as nowadays, on nights we can get a sitter for the kids.

But I became SO famous under both of those great comic-book-male-stripper names, that I took those jewels of the comic-book-male-stripper-names crown out of circulation for anyone who follows me onto the stage.  I feel guilty about that.  Especially since the other two great-comic-book-male-stripper-names, Colossal Boy and the Man of Steel, currently belong to my uncle Staninslaw, who tours and performs under those names throughout the Ukraine and Greater Boston areas.

Uncle Staninslaw gets Biz-ay as Colossal Boy.

So I dug in and did my duty, doing the research to help out any helpless hypothetical super-strippers to come, any un-named graphic novel grinders of the uncertain future who need an alternative to dancing under the alias Speedball,  Mr. Bones or Herbie The Fat Fury.

So here the are, the…

TOP FIFTEEN MALE STRIPPER NAMES FROM THE WORLD OF COMICS!

15 – Paul Mounts

Talented Marvel Colorist and Incomplete Rude Sentence.  Show off your knowledge of the coloring bullpen, while you keep the party rocking using this naughty nom de dirty dance.

14-     SGT. ROCK and LITTLE SURE SHOT

The “battle hardened” men of “Easy Company”.

13-  WOODGOD

Looks like Pan, sounds like a spokesman for Viagra.   So obscure he’s never been mentioned in Civil War or Fear Itself.

14-  BLACK GOLIATH

You come for the stripper name, but you stay for the polyester belly window.  Later he made his costume look way better.

Later, Marvel killed him off.

11- IRON FIST

Your safe word is "K’un-L’un."

10- PETER PORKER

I don't know the name of the green-haired clam. I don't wish to know.

9- Princess Python

For certain clubs, only.  But the Captain America fans in the audience will make it rain.

8- THE HARLEM HAMMER

A minor character in the WILD CARDS comic book series.  Though this is the Harlem Hammer’s only cover appearance, every word on it is also a porn name.

7- BUCK WILD

A one-off Luke Cage spoof from Milestone in yellow diapers = the Harlem Hammer TEAMED-UP with the Yellow Streak!  Do the stripper-name math.

6- STEELGRIP STARKEY AND HIS ALL-PURPOSE POWER TOOL

Great stage name, but the series only ran six issues.  The all-purpose power tool often promises to last longer than it actually does.

5- WALLY WOOD

Mildly amusing in the USA. Translates directly to “Schlong Erection” in Australia.    Look it up.

4- The PENETRATOR

He’s a minor character from Deadpool, dressed like a SHIELD agent biting his way out of a green body-condom,  and his “real” name is JACK  HAMMER.   The only way this guy could hit the great comic-book-male-stripper-name triple play, would be if Penetrator had a THIRD secret identity called “the Weasel”.

Wait,    HE DID?!?

3- PETER O’TOOLE

“Peter”  and “O’Tool” are a pair of 20th Century slang terms translating to:  “Penis O’Penis” – Both the best opening line for a romantic ode ever, and the only Oscar winning stripper-name in history.  Peter played, Zor-El, (Supergirl’s father) in the porn-film-production-quality film, Supergirl –

–so Mr. O’Toole qualifies to be in this group.

2-  GIANT-SIZED MAN THING

Back in the 70s, this was on everybody’s “pull list”.  Don’t mind the Sploog, people, that’s what happens when you’re attacked by IRON MAN or the BLOB.

I warned you about the sound effect.

And now…the winner…the greatest Comic-Book-Themed-Male-Stripper-Name is…

1- DICK SPRANG!

Of course it is.

This Golden Age Batman artist was a cautionary tale about christening one’s children while drunk, and the finest comic-book-themed-male-stripper-name possible by law.

A Dick Sprang-giant balls sequence, actually typical of his work. Not kidding.

From those oversize rooftop advertising models, to the length of the nose on the Penguin comics he drew, the fan-ladies in the audience know the legend of Dick Sprang and will react accodingly.

If there are any comic-book-themed-male-strippers out there looking for a name:  I give you Dick Sprang.  The stage is yours to dance upon…

Penguin works the pole, courtesy of Dick Sprang.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your bonus Inappropriate Comic Book Naming Moment:

Again:  Do not name things while drunk.

HAPPY 45th BIRTHDAY STAR TREK! YAY!

Anti Gravity device at work.

Even though I had the wonderful privilege of working on Star Trek in a very peripheral capacity a few years ago, writing a Trek Graphic Novel for IDW, I still consider myself, first and foremost, a fan…hell, I’m a sickening Trekkie.  I have been since I was a kid, and watched these marvelous stories in their first run, back in the 60s.

And I have a blog, so I’m obligated to mention this birthday of sorts, and make a few personal observations about the show and its characters and what they’ve meant to me as the five year mission stretches out into its 45th year.

On the Sapphire Anniversary of NBC airing “THE MAN TRAP”, I give you my personal choices for —

THE TOP FIFTEEN star trek CHARACTERS of all time!

15- GARY MITCHELL

I'm rosebud, okay? And I'm not a sled this time.

Ah, Gary Mitchell.  For a character that made only one appearance on the show, he’s held a place in my heart ever since.  I think it was because he was Kirk’s best friend since his Academy days, and Gary represented the loss of youth that adulthood inevitably brings.  I don’t want to let him go anymore than I want to let go of my toys and comic books.  Gary was a little less disciplined than Kirk, a little more boyish, and it’s why he wasn’t promoted as fast.  But when Jim loses his best friend in the first episode, it hardened Kirk into a man, and made him a little more relaxed about staying youthful, all at the same time.  When I had a chance to write that Star Trek graphic novel for IDW a couple of years ago, my first chapter strongly featured Gary Mitchell.  I still don’t want to let him go.

14 – SPOT, PORTHOS and the TRIBBLES.

Who's a pretty endothermic quadruped? Yes you are...

 I’m an animal lover.  I live with three cats at the moment, and have shared my life and dwelling space with dogs, fish, birds and various other life forms since I was a kid.  A house ain’t a home until it has a pet in it, I always say, and Star Trek was no exception.   The fact that Data the android owned a cat, and treated it with calculated amounts of affection rung my bells.  And if you’ve never heard or read Data’s ODE TO SPOT, you’re in for a treat:

Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array,
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

Damn straight.  Shakespeare can suck it.

And Porthos was probably my favorite character on ENTERPRISE, other than the sexy Vulcan lady, but that was for different reasons.  They sort of wrote the dog out of the series as the seasons went on, I suspect because he was asking for more money than Scott Bakula, but they should have given in to his demands.  The space race of the 20th Century was begun by animals:  Laika the dog, Ham the Chimp, and John Glenn the senator.  I love that Star Trek recognized their contribution to exploring the galaxy and included them.

Even these damn things.

13 – KOR

Evil, but cheerful. Respect.

The first Klingon, (and for a few conventions we attended together, a fun drinking buddy).  There’s a group of Star Trek fans who seem to only be interested in the culture of the Star Trek Badasses.  These fans wear the gear, speak the language, play with the weapons, and occasionally put on Hamlet in the original Klingon.   Of course, Worf, Gowron, Kang and a few others are all part of the glorious tapestry that is Klingon culture, but if it weren’t for John Colicos, and his brilliant portrayal of Kor, all these poor souls would be pretending to be Wookies, I promise you.

12  – Lt. Uhura

Rocking the Gold!

Besides being one of the most important figures in the civil rights struggles of the 1960s, Lt. Uhura was a childhood crush that I’m never getting over.

Back away Templeton. Don't make me cut you.

She was told by no less that Martin Luther King Jr. that she wasn’t allowed to quit the show when she became frustrated by the parts she was getting in the later seasons.  King knew how important it was to see a high ranking African American aboard the bridge, and on away missions, and NO ONE MENTIONED she was black or female except the ghost of President Lincoln.  She was simply part of the crew.  It’s hard for modern audiences to get how big a deal that was in 1966.  I grew up watching Star Trek, and her example (and to a similar extent, Sulu’s) is a big part of why racism makes no sense to me.  If you can do the job, you’re part of the team.

And oh, she was sexy as it gets. I know I shouldn’t have noticed that, but I did.

11 – Commander Will Riker

Like a version of Captain Kirk, but with his own hair, Riker was clearly supposed to be Next Generation’s sexy hero, but he never quite turned out that way.  Instead, he was the middle manager in your office that sort-of behaved like your big brother and wasn’t as cool as he thought he was going to end up in life.  For god’s sake, a trombone?!?  Still, he was the character that got to own Star Trek’s single greatest moment…that cliffhanger at the end of Best of Both Worlds Part One….when Picard/Locutus of Borg tells Riker that resistance is futile and Riker says “FIRE”.  And we all had to wait SIX GODDAMN MONTHS to see what happened.  Riker won me over in those four letters.

10 – QUARK

The hunnies dig big ears.

Star Trek’s great comedy relief character was the main reason that DS9 worked for me.  I was never that fond of Captain Sisko (at least until he shaved his head) and really didn’t like Major Kira – they were both humourless stumps.  But the Ferengi with a lust for profit and a secret heart of gold was Trek’s guarantee of a smile each week.  The one where the Ferengi go to Roswell is tied with Trouble with Tribbles as the funniest episode of Trek ever made.

9 – THE GUY IN THE RED SHIRT

One of them is DOOMED!

He’s Dead Jim.  The poor bastard is up-the-ass screwed.  You know it, Kirk knows it and so does the guy on the transporter who you never heard of before today. That’s what duty is all about, my friend –  staying calm and carrying on.  But don’t despair, he has his own entry in wikipedia, his own society, his own movie!  He’s only on screen for eight minutes, but he goes out a star!

Great career move, kid!

When Picard and Riker wore red shirts in the pilot for TNG, I was sure they were going to die before the first commercial break.   They broke the curse for a few years, but you’ll notice in the new Star Trek movie, the guy in the red re-entry suit that goes after the Romulan bad guys on the big space drill goes SPLAT when the other two don’t.

8 – THE ENTERPRISE

In a universe that included sentient androids, sympathetic hortas and a pointy eared devil as one of the heroes, we’re allowed to call the ship a character.  And she was played by Majel Roddenbery for decades so she even had to sleep with  the producer to get the part.

Look at her warp drives. She was practically begging for it.

The Enterprise was a huge part of the success of the franchise.  It was large enough that entire stories could be set aboard her when the budget ran low for alien rock formations.  It was fast enough that it could get you across the galaxy by five thirty tomorrow morning.  And when the engines canna take it, there’s excitement a’brewing.  When she died in SEARCH FOR SPOCK, I choked up as much as I did when Spock died in the previous movie.  And though she came back, she didn’t have to Pon Farr anybody, so it wasn’t as much fun.

7 –  DOCTOR McCOY

"I’m a DOCTOR, not a plot device!".

Actually McCoy was one of the best plot devices in modern fiction.  Playing hot to Spock’s cold, or emotion to Spock’s logic, McCoy served as the other half of the two-headed Greek Chorus that Kirk and the viewers relied on to get them through the story each week.   What started out as a support character, McCoy became an essential part of every tale, getting his own title card in the second season, and embedded into the Id/Ego/Superego triangle that made the core of Star Trek work.

McCoy at work, showing "emotion".

6 – CAPTAIN PICARD

I have to admit, he wears that uniform as well as Uhura did.

Kirk was a super-hero, but Picard was the father figure that solved everybody’s problems, and managed to make bald men sexy again after Yul Brenner died.  He “made it so” with calm, reasonable decisions, and never lost his shit unless he was gunning down Borg, which was understandable (and damn cool, actually).  Where the original crew was very much a group held together by military rank, and shared duty, Picard’s presence made the Next Generation cast into a family.  Brilliant.

5 – ORION SLAVE GIRLS

 Uh-huh.  That’s right.  You know what I’m talking about.  Almost as much as Vulcans, the Orion Slave Girls became a symbol for Star Trek, even for people that never watched the show.  She featured strongly in the pilot, tempting Captain Pike like an apple in paradise.  She showed up in the final credits of almost every episode.  She and her sisters showed up in a few memorable episodes of ENTERPRISE, the new movie, and every nerd’s dreams for a few decades now.

She even looked a hell of a lot like Batgirl that one time.

Orion Slave Girls are what Leia’s Slave Bikini WISHES it was,  if it wasn’t the  nerd-wienie-shrinking girl-next-door virgin pretense that it actually is.    Orion Slave Girls put out, my friend.  And they know how to do the ice cube tricks and everything.

4 –   WORF

No denying it. Worf is the bad ass pimp of the Trek Universe.

He’s the ultimate outsider – the enemy of the federation, sitting on the bridge of the Enterprise, and he can kill you with his left ball if he feels like it.  He was the living embodiment of controlled rage, bottled up in Star Trek’s longest running character (eleven seasons of TV and five of the movies!) and he was just the balance that Captain Picard’s calm demeanor needed to make the Next Generation the mega-hit that it was.

And he owned Gene Simmons' hair with more style than Gene did.

3 –  DATA.

I got no strings, and I have fun. I'm not tied down to anyone.

 The wooden puppet that wants to be a real boy has never been done better.  Pinocchio was the inspiration, but Roddenbery, Spiner and company did SO much with the idea – exploring what constituted identity, sentience and humanity, from feelings of love, duty and creativity, to being “fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques”.

Demonstrate your programming, big boy.

And because they were constantly creative with him, the character actually grows and develops over the course of the series and films.  He learns he has “family”, he learns to dream, and he eventually gets his emotion chip, and learns to deal with genuine fear, sadness, sexuality, and the rest of human experience.   Just like we all did when we got our emotion chips at puberty.

2- MISTER SPOCK

Second only to the Beatles as THE 60s pop icon.

 When I was a teenager, I used to get painful, debilitating migraine headaches.  I mean kick-you-in-the-skull, blinding, enraging pain that would last for days.  There was no medicine that would help and it got so bad some times I thought I’d die from the sheer agony of it all.   With nothing but desperation driving me, I tried Spock’s mantra from many episodes of the show.  “There is no pain.  Pain is an illusion”.  I’d say it to myself, trying to Vulcan the hell out of that problem.

And, by the great bird of the galaxy, it worked. It was a life changing lesson –  that the mind can control the body.  That you can decide to survive the unsurvivable.  You can beat back the worst crap storm if you absolutely need to, by power of will.

Spock means that much to me.  He transcended a mere fictional character and became a part of my basic DNA when I was young.  I got to meet Leonard Nimoy once, and I couldn’t help it, inside my head I was telling myself I was in the room with Mr. Spock.  He matters so much to me that, even though it would have been funny, I resisted posting a photograph of Spock with his shirt off being held at gun point by Nazis .

No I didn't.

But I almost resisted and that’s what matters.   I’ve also tried the nerve pinch thing on the neck a few times, but that part turns out to be fictional.

1- CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

Yes, that's a laser in my pocket, and yes, you're glad to see me.

He’s tied with Batman as the best Super-Hero ever created, and according to Eddie Murphy,  Captain Kirk is the coolest white man ever born.  I’m hard pressed to put it any better than that.

There’s a moment in the first Star Trek motion picture, where Kirk takes command of the ship before they all head out into space to take on V-Ger, and quite probably die.  Right after he leaves the bridge, Uhura smiles and tells Sulu  that now that Kirk is back in charge, they just might come home alive.  That she was brave enough to go into space, fully expecting to die, tells you much about Uhura’s courage.  But suddenly expecting to survive simply because Kirk is in command…that tells you everything you need to know about Kirk.

Plus, he got to make out with the hot alien ladies, and he got to do this:

KHAAAAAAN!

That’s Star Trek’s other great moment (along with Riker saying “fire.”) and they’re both four letter words.

I don’t know about you, but I wanted to grow up to be Captain Kirk, and like the memory of Gary Mitchell, I’m not quite ready to let go of that idea either.  Star Trek has been my comfort food, my fan favorite, my joie de vie and my guilty pleasure, almost constantly since I was little.  I’m a little older than the franchise itself, but as long as we’re both here, I’ll be celebrating each anniversary with them, with just as much joy as I did the first time the Man Trap came on my TV and scared the poop out of this four year old boy.

See you Trekkies in five years when we pass out the silver.

PS:  I had two runners-up, but a list of 17 sucks…so here are the honorable mentions:

I have a schoolboy crush on Ezri Dax, and I can't help it.

He's somewhat of a retread of DATA's machine-that-wants-to-be-a-man bit, but Robert Picardo made "The Doctor" a unique character all to himself.

UPDATE:   When you type things up quickly at six in the morning, the brain goes fuzzy.  I cannot believe I didn’t include Q in the list, and that’s a mistake.  He likely would have come in somewhere in the top ten, maybe around eight or nine.  Forgive me for overlooking that great character.  Amazingly enough, I’ve gotten emails lobbying for Garek more than anyone, and no mentioned Q at all….so somehow, we ALL forget him!

I think it's possible he memory-wiped me.

 

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS Star Trek Moment:

Presented without comment.

Top Ten Reasons to Love Neal Adams. YAY!

Yeah, the new Justice League just came out and the whole re-tooling of DC 52 has begun and the blogoverse is all a-twitter and a-tumblr with opinions.  And I’ll be getting to that, I promise, but not today.

Today, I talk about something a lot more personal.

See, I’m going to a convention in Montreal in a few weeks, and my favorite living comic book creator, Neal Adams, is going to be there.  I mentioned this to someone at a convention last weekend, and I swear to god, this fan said “You mean the guy who does Batman Odyssey?”  Unfortunately, I had no pistol to whip this guy for thinking that was the whole of Adams’ career, but I do have a blog, and I fire back with the best ammunition I have available:  Fifty caliber truth bombs.

For those who might mistakenly believe it’s all about the Odyssey, you’re overlooking a decades-spanning career in which Neal wrote and drew some of the most memorable comics of all time…

Read this. It's a bowl full of chocolately goodness in ways you just don't see coming.

But forget about that…and forget about Neal creating or defining some of the most popular characters in the comics industry…

including these guys.

…and forget about how freaking BEAUTIFULLY Neal draws….

This is a page from Neal's FIRST PUBLISHED COMIC BOOK STORY in an issue of Creepy for Warren Magazines!!

Forget all that.  Here are…

THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LOVE NEAL ADAMS.

10)  He’s fought for creators’ rights his whole career. 

Publishers didn’t give back art to their creators until the eighties – often destroying pages after they’d been printed or giving them away to fans as souvenirs.  The scumbags in the corner offices always believed they owned the physical objects, when no legal or moral argument ever suggested they did. Neal was essential in the public fight with Marvel to get back artwork held illegally from Kirby which helped establish that original artwork is now returned to us all.

Thanks Neal, I owe you that one.

9)  He put his foot up Warner Brothers’ ass for Jerry and Joe.

Back in the 70s, when Jerry Siegel tried one last time to sue for the rights to Superman and lost again, Neal Adams took it upon himself to champion their cause.  He wrote articles for major publications, refused to work with certain companies, and created enough of a fuss that Warner Brothers was publicly shamed into tossing their forgotten creators a bone just before the Christopher Reeve movie came out.  Siegel and Shuster both received credits on all Superman product from that time forward, and they were given a pension and full medical benefits from the giant corporation, primarily because it was suddenly too rat-bag awful for them not to.  Neal was a big part of that public embarrassing of Warner Brothers, and his wagging finger of tut-tut helped make one of the WORST mistreatments of creators a little bit right.

Neal (in the back, sporting groovy 70s hair) with Siegel and Shuster (and Batman ghost artist Jerry Robinson). Heroes all.

8 – He was the first artist to move between Marvel and DC without using a pseudonym.

Guys like Gil Kane had to pretend to be “Scott Edward” when freelancing for more than one company before Neal defied the unwritten rule in the late 60s, working on X-Men and Deadman at the same time, and giving creators the dignity of their own name from that moment forward.  Mike Esposito was “Mickey Demeo” when he freelanced at Marvel in the 60s, fearing he’d be fired by DC.

But Neal Adams was Neal Adams.

That’s hardcore.

Pictured: "Scott Edward" before Neal let him borrow some balls.

7)  Neal Adams has theories about the nature of the Earth and basic physics that are unusual.

The Earth is constantly expanding, blowing up like a balloon, according to Neal, and it’s doing so by spontaneously creating matter at the core.  Also, if you drain the Mediterranean, you’ll find the ruins of ancient civilizations.  Sure, this is fringe stuff discredited by many in the scientific community, but Neal insists upon examining it, often at length if he corners you and you don’t have a weapon.  He even has youtube videos explaining it.  Watch.

Some people think this theory is kookoo for coco-puffs, but having talked to him about it once or twice, I think those conversations make Neal interesting.  What’s wrong with looking for alternatives to the accepted way of thinking?  Whether it’s right or not is almost irrelevant.  What matters is that  Mr. Adams is not just sitting around eating spray-on cheese and watching Dancing with the Stars.  He gets big points for having a curious mind.  And who knows…he might be right?

Stand back, this is going to blow.

6)  He Sometimes Refers to himself in the Third Person.

And he’s capable of doing it everyday conversation.  There’s something wonderfully perfect about it. He’ll sometimes drop a sentence on you like, “Would you like to hear what Neal Adams thinks about that?”.  It’s stunning the first time you hear him do it, but it grows on you.  I did a Batman illustrators tour with Mr. Adams  years back in France and Belgium, and learned that if you paid attention, he’d include this rhetorical flourish up to a dozen times a day when talking to the fans.  Who does that?  I think it’s magnificent.

You want to know who does that? Neal Adams does that, that's who.

5)  He Came up with the idea for Image Comics decades before Image Comics did.

Neal started up Continuity Associates before Jim Lee and Todd Macfarlane were gleams in a fanboy’s eye.  It was a studio where comic book creators could work for commercial and movie storyboard jobs –  high paying projects between DC and Marvel gigs – that eventually launched its own comic book imprint – “Continuity Comics”. They published creator-owned series outside the pre-existing system and it was run by, and for, creators.  The biggest success was Bucky O’Hare, which I heard made a gob-bucket full of cash for Michael Golden and Larry Hama when it was turned into a TV series in the 80s.   Golden wouldn’t have made that money at Marvel or DC back then, but he had Adams at his back.  The only real differences between Image and Continuity was that Continuity came first, and the quality of the artwork at Neal’s company was better.

Me eldest son adored this comic and TV show when he was but a lad.

 4)  In his glory days, he was movie-star handsome. 

Gaze upon him, ye mighty, and tremble.

(And as he matures, he’s mature movie-star handsome, let’s not kid)

That might not be a reason for ME to love him, but can I get a shout out from the ladies?  In an industry where most of us look more like Comic Book Guy that we’d like to admit, it was part of Neal’s mystique that he was a good looking dude the first time I ever saw him in person.  He’s probably hung like a horse too, the bastard.

3)  He wasn’t afraid to take any assignment when he was starting out.

That doesn’t seem like an important thing, but it is.  It really is.  Most artists nowadays have a high opinion of what they will or will not do.  They’re sure they’re on a path to stardom and don’t want to stray from it.  But Adams started off his career at Archie Comics because it was honest work.

Yup. That's Neal Adams drawing Archie in the 60s. Take that you whiny prima donnas.

It was experience, and it was a foot in the door.  After Archie, Neal sharpened his skills doing the Ben Casey comic strip for a while, and when he became so good a draftsman that DC couldn’t turn him down, he finally got the assignments from DC editors he’d been waiting for.

Yup, That's Neal again, doing his first cover for DC.

I’ve known artists who turn down their first pro gig because they feel they know better than the editor about where their talents lie.  Of course these Bob Hope covers and Jerry Lewis stories weren’t what Adams should have been doing at the time, but he patiently put in the effort, paid his dues, met his deadlines and showed off he was reliable.  That’s what a man does when he goes to work.  There’s as much inspiration from that as there is from his skills as an illustrator, and you whippersnappers can take that to the bank.

2  He made comics grow up.

In collaboration with Denny O’Neil, the pair took the moribund, Adam West inspired franchise that Batman had become, and revitalized it into the oh-so-cool Dark Knight character that he is today, with stories like Secret of the Waiting Graves, The Joker’s Five Way Revenge  and all those marvelous Ra’s Al Ghul stories.

The Five Way Revenge: Perhaps the greatest single issue of a comic book in the 20th Century. Tim Burton and Chris Nolan would be making Pee-Wee’s Playhouse VI if it wasn’t for this.

And when Wein and Cockrum hit gold with the stunningly popular All-New All-Different X-Men in the late 70s, it was the award winning and sophisticated Roy Thomas/Neal Adams run they were inspired by, not the more juvenile Lee/Kirby issues (as fun as those might be).

I got yer X-Men ground zero, right here.

And O’Neil and Adams cemented their reputation as makers of comics for adults in these three panels from Green Lantern #76.  Suddenly Goldface and The Lamplighter weren’t enough to keep the college kids reading.

Frank Miller and Neil Gaiman are late-to-the-game pussies compared to Denny and Neal.

1)  He essentially invented the modern age of comics.

By using a swinging sixties commercial art style and the emerging sensibilities of TV storyboards instead of the illustration and cartooning forms that had been prevalent throughout the previous forty years, Neal single-handedly picked up the industry on his shoulders and put it back down someplace else…someplace that folks over 18 could relate to. It’s not like we didn’t have realistic illustrators before Neal (Alex Raymond and Hal Foster pre-date him by decades), but Neal played with the depth of field, the body language, the “camera” angles, and the basic layout of the page with figures breaking out of their panels, and imaginative design ideas like no one since Will Eisner.

This page was drawn more than forty years ago, and the layout looks as modern as something published this month.

Neal took up Eisner’s innovative page designs and ran off with them like an Olympic athlete.  Along the way he inspired nearly everybody who followed him, and even a few who came before him, who started to adopt his exciting new style after they got a look at Neal.  Look at Alex Ross, or Jim Lee, or Steve Epting, or anyone drawing comics who’s worth a damn, and you’ll find at least a hint of Adams’ layout rhythms, if not the illustration style itself.  As much as we might all adore and respect all the giants of cartooning history, the comics of 2011 resemble Adams’ vision more  than Kirby’s, Kurtzman’s or Eisner’s, and that’s a fact.

It all changed after these pages.

There you have it.  If I haven’t convinced comics fans around the world that you owe Neal Adams a giant kiss and a humble thank you for his talent, his mind, his influence, and his generosity, then you may all leave the room and smack yourself with a horsehair brush.   And if you come to the convention in Montreal head over to his table and thank him personally.  You’ll tell your grandkids someday that you met the John Lennon of Comics, or the Mozart of Comics, or the Einstein of Comics…whatever metaphor you want.

Personally I like to think of him as the Neal Adams of comics.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS ADAMS COMICS MOMENT:

I’m lucky enough to own a few pieces of original Neal Adams artwork – a generous gift from Neal he kind of gave me when we did that European tour together ten years ago.    However, on that tour, I picked up a special treasure from another member of the Adams clan:  His son Josh was ten years old, at the time, (about the same age as my eldest son), and that delightful kid drew me a picture of Robin on the back of a beer coaster one evening, based on the animated style I was known for.  It’s been up on a shelf next to my drawing table ever since.  Nowadays Josh is working in the biz, drawing Doctor Who and Batman a bit.  But I still have this early work, done when he was ten years old.

Ten years old. How cool is THAT?!?

Top Ten Fictional Canadians! YAY!

It’s Canada Day!  That’s like the American 4th of July, only we do it first, just like Thanksgiving.  Today to celebrate, I’m listing my 10 favorite fictional characters from our vast, empty and frozen country.  These are the characters so popular that people who DON’T live here have heard of them, and I didn’t even have to scrape the barrel deep enough to mention Degrassi HighDixon of the Mounted, or The Littlest Hobo.

And because everything is slightly bigger in Canada than anywhere else in the world, our top ten requires eleven entries.  Deal with THAT, smaller, tiny countries.

11 – Terrance and Phillip

They fart, they sing, they laugh, and they start wars.  These are all things that Canadians are known for the world over, except for the starting wars, or the singing, really.  But we do laugh a lot, and because of all the donuts, there is a substantial amount of farting.  Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone for South Park, these two characters have given the world a glimpse at the true Canadian spirit, albeit an embarrassing one that we’d rather not talk about.

10- Dudley Do-Right

Loosely based on Canada’s genuine Mountie super-hero Sam Steele, the character of Dudley was the personification of selflessness, sacrifice, bravery and incompetence, only one of which wasn’t based on Steele.  With his trusted horse, and his highly untrustworthy enemy Snidely Whiplash, Dudley kept a fairly remote part of the Yukon safe for his female companion “Nell” for a few years, in cartoons by Jay Ward, and a sadly forgettable film with Brendan Frasier (a Canadian! –kts), and Eric Idle.

9-The Transvestite Lumberjack

He doesn’t want to be a barber, he’d rather not own a pet shop …he always wanted to be…a LUMBERJACK!  Debuting on Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Christmas of 1969, he’s subsequently shown up in stage shows, films, German TV specials, and hit records.  He’s usually played by Michael Palin or Eric Idle, accompanied by the likes of Tom Hanks, George Harrison, Peter Cook, and others, and there’s not much to him, beyond a fondness for buttered scones, watching Scots Pine trees floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia and dressing in women’s clothing to hang around in bars.  I’m fairly sure his name is Beavis, but I’ve never met someone with that name and I live here.

8-Captain Canuck

Created by Richard Comely back in the 70s, when comics mattered and people still read them, the Captain was the first All-Canadian Super-hero since the Golden Age who didn’t completely and utterly suck.  Under the beautiful artwork of George Freeman, the Captain’s adventures looked slick and professional…almost as though an American was drawing them!  A generation of Canadian cartoonists was inspired to get into this gig because of the Captain, and creators such as John Byrne and Todd McFarlane came and kicked ass for quite a while as a result.  Sadly, the comic industry is gone now, and we’re left only with memories.

7 – Anne of Green Gables

Now there's a face only a Canadian could love.

She is sort of the Canadian version of Pippi Longstocking, in that Anne Shirley has red hair and people have heard of her in other countries.  Originally based on a “Gibson Girl” portrait of Evelyn Nesbitt (the scandalous Girl in the Red Velvet Swing) Anne was a 19th Century orphan from the Maritimes who is sent to work on the Hammond farm when a garbled telegram mistakes her for a boy.  Feisty and adventurous, Anne soon wins over the Hammond family and the people of the small town of Avonlea and has the sort of adventures that Canadian orphans living in the Maritimes have.  Besides the books by Lucy Maude Montgomery, Anne has featured in cartoons, TV series, and Japanese Anime, and even became a live, breathing human being when the actress Dawn O’Day (I’m assuming not her real name) played her in a 1934 film, and changed her name to Anne Shirley as a tribute to her own performance.  If you’re Canadian girl, the Little House on the Prairie sucks and you prefer Anne, trust me–I have a daughter.

6 – Bob and Doug McKenzie


Created by Dave Thomas and his brother Ian when they were young lads, the characters debuted on SCTV (played by Dave Thomas and series regular Rick Moranis) when the performers realized the CBC broadcasts were two minutes longer than the American syndicated versions of the show and they needed filler they could easily cut for viewers down south.  As characters INTENDED to be removed from the US broadcasts, the sketches were simply ad-libbed nonsense, making enough references to beer, hockey, bacon, donuts, winter toques and being a “hoser” to please their Canadian audience.  Somehow they became a HUGE international sensation in the 80s, leading to movies, record albums, commercials, an animated TV series, and a delightful cameo in a Disney film as a pair of moose.  They’re not particularly impressive examples of Canadian citizens, but they stand as the most recognized Canadians the world over.

5- Scott Pilgrim


This is the quintessential Canadian comic book hero, so quintessential that he was published in Portland.  Created by Brian Lee O’Malley in 2004, Scott is a hyper-geek comic fan/rock musician and his quest is to beat up the ex-boyfriends of a bike courier he meets one evening, so she will allow him to date her.  If you didn’t see the much praised movie starring Michael Cera in 2010, then you share that distinction with almost everyone else on the planet Earth.  It didn’t make money, but it pleased everyone in my family and that’s all that really mattered.

4 – Johnny Canuck

Pictured on a stamp so we can all lick his backside.

Originally Johnny was a political cartoon character, a bearded lumberjack who hung out with Uncle Sam, John Bull, and other personifications of national spirit.  In the second world war, he became our comic book hero, a fighter pilot who didn’t mind smacking Nazis around with his bare hands (sometimes while wearing a ripped shirt, Doc Savage style!).  His only super-power was the indomitable fighting spirit that lives in all Canadians.  He was revived last year by Moonstone Comics as the lead character in “THE NORTHERN GUARD” a comic series presenting many Golden Age Canadian Super-Heroes in a modern setting.  Of course, it was canceled after a few issues, because no one had heard of him.

3 – Wolverine

art by Gibson Quarter. A CANADIAN!

If you don’t know who Wolverine is, then you simply don’t read comics and aren’t aware of the existence of Canada.  He’s likely our most famous fiction character in comics, and has brought a lot of quite popular Canadian comic characters with him as a result, including DEADPOOL, SABERTOOTH, ALPHA FLIGHT, WENDIGO, and many others.  Other than a string of blockbuster movies, best-selling comics, toys, TV shows, and T-Shirts, he’s not particularly successful.

2 – Dark Claw

Cover art by Bruce Timm, more or less, but swiped by a Canadian.

He’s Wolverine mixed with Batman so he’s even cooler.  Besides having all of Wolverine’s super-powers and popularity, he has a cave and a way-wicked flying car and a sidekick with a yellow cape.  Most importantly, he’s Canadian and has a giant nickel in his underground lair instead of a penny, so by the transitive property rule, he’s five times better than Wolverine.

1- William Shatner

My imaginary friend.

Shatner was a character I dreamed up as a small child to entertain me and the world.  He was (in my imagination) a handsome leading man with an ability to make fun of himself and a need to go out into space and screw green women.  Later, I imagined he was a crazy lawyer and a nutty retired doctor and tough-as-nails police drill sergeant with a fondness for riding on the front hoods of a car.  I even dreamed he starred in a movie my father wrote.  Lately, I’ve discovered that other people share my delusion of a “real” Bill Shatner and they’ve told me that they’ve “met” him.  Too many Molsons and Timbits will do that to you, or too much LDS in the 60s.  Anyway, if people want to believe he’s real, that’s okay with me, just so long as you don’t imagine him out on the wing of a plane in flight.  No one will buy that.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS Canadian Fictional Characters.  These are the ones that didn’t make the list:

Captain Canada. No, seriously, he was a real thing.

...and not the ONLY Captain Canada either.

Not Captain Canada, but darn close.

If this was TRULY a Canadian drunk, he'd have a Moose Head, a Labatts or a Molsons.

Because he's not polite, people forget he's one of ours.

SURPRISE PENIS! THE TEN BEST MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED MALE GENITALIA IN COMICS AND CARTOONS! **NSFW**

Ah, the surprise penis, one of life’s delightful gifts.  From children’s books…

to America’s national parks…

to Captain Kirk’s weapon of choice…

the subliminal phallus lurks around every corner to spring at you.  It’s so easy to spot an unexpected tallywhacker that there’s an entire website dedicated to the sport.  As a result, we have to have a set of ground rules or our Top Ten list would end up a top thousand.

RULE #1

The penis has to be a surprise.  It can’t be placed there with the consent of the publisher or editor.  So Moebius’ “HORNY GOOF” and everything Heavy Metal ever published is out of the running.

Expected Wee-wee! Disqualified!

RULE #2

Our competition must include an unmistakable example of the uncovered form.  As surprising as this package is (from Alex Ross’ cover of JSA #7), it is too shy to include.

Still in the wrapper! Disqualified!

RULE #3

 No metaphors that any amateur psychiatrist could point out.   Sometimes a flaming sword held between the legs, is just a flaming sword held between the legs…

Even if the flaming sword has some fairly obvious testicles! Disqualified!

RULE #4

No euphemisms.  We’re looking for imagery, not double entendres.  Even if it’s where Howard the Duck comes from…

Is that a carrot between your eyes, or are you just happy to see me? Disqualified!

So with our rules straightened out, it’s time to grab hold of this idea and see if I can’t get a rise out of my regular readers.  We present:

SURPRISE PENIS!  THE TEN BEST MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED MALE GENITALIA IN The world of COMICS AND CARTOONS!

#10

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR SIPPY CUP

Wow.

This was part of a series of cups available at convenience stores to promote Disney characters a few years back and it’s meant to be filled to the brim with something slushy.  Obviously there was someone who had to approve the design.  Obviously, that same somebody must have noticed the look on Buzz’s face, grinning down at the unsuspecting thirsty kid who puts his lips on the space-suited nozzle and starts to suck liquid from the end. Obviously this person no longer works for Disney.

#9

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE EARLY YEARS

This slipcover reprint of the Simon and Kirby Golden Age Captain America comics included a number of historical firsts.  It was the first slipcase reprint that Marvel had done.  It was the first time the Simon and Kirby run on their classic character was reprinted in full, and oh, yes, it was the first time anyone ever saw Bucky’s rascally hoo hoo.

Published in 1990, it was almost immediately recalled and reprinted, as some unknown scribbler in the production department decided to draw Bucky’s member on the yellow printer’s plate on page 184.  He (or she) also doodled some other things in yellow, but I’m betting the star-spangled sausage was the primary reason for the reprint of the book.  After decades, we finally learn why Cap is rushing to save the lad on almost every cover of the Golden Age.

#8

The Punisher Shape Shifter POWER Pistol

Unlike the Buzz Lightyear debacle, at least the folks at TOY BIZ that approved this bundle of joy had the excuse that it wasn’t MEANT to look like a surprise penis.  

It’s actually meant to be suppository cannon.

But give any transforming toy to a young lad, and he’ll find a way to make something sticking out between the thighs in about eleven seconds.

SURPRISE! PENIS!

#7

LOBO’S BACK!

This was painted by the very manly SIMON BISLEY back when Lobo still sold comics for DC.  If you’re wondering how you can spy Lobo’s “howlin’ wolf” from this angle, it’s because you’re not supposed to be looking at his crotch.  It’s supposedly on his arm, but if you can’t see it, it’s because you’re not a gutter-brained perv…

Oh, wait. There it is...

Biz claims this was an accidental elbow-penis, and it’s just naturally how the skin around your over-developed funny bone looks when you’ve turned into a hermaphroditic space alien.  If that’s what Bisley says, I’m not going to argue.

#6

THE HOVERBOY LIGHT SWITCH FACE PLATE

This CANT be real...

Vigilance Comics’ most popular Golden Age character, Hoverboy, was known for his exciting power to hover as much as his exciting power to get sued fairly often (much more about this fascinating character from comics history here and here). Amazingly enough, this astoundingly inappropriate faceplate did not result in any lawsuits whatsoever, but the building where it was manufactured was set fire to by an irate mob.

#5

TALES FROM THE CRYPT #29

This is one of the best of the surprise penis genre, because there’s no gray area here.  It’s not just a surprise penis, it’s a full out aroused surprise penis, penetrating a willing female’s genitalia, and no one noticed it for decades. I didn’t mean to offend the delicate sensibilities of my readers , but there it is up above, delineated by the legendary Joe Orlando.

Of course, you can’t see it when it’s in small and in color…but when Russ Cochran reprinted the old EC comics in black and white large-size editions in the 80s, this piece of hidden naughtiness emerged in plain site.  It’s over on the drapes in panel four…

The EC artists did this sort of dirty joke in the margins from time to time, and never expected to get caught…right up until these damn comics became oft-reprinted classics.  There’s a lesson in there for you kids.  Don’t excel if you’ve got a naughty streak.

#4

COURTNEY ROSS’ SURPRISE MUTANT POWER FROM EXCALIBUR

When you name your comic book after a famous, long, shiny sword, you knew the surprise penis was going to happen quickly. 

According to Alan Davis, who drew the sequence, Chris Claremont’s original script didn’t call for this scene to reek of lesbian foreplay, but Davis said it felt like a seduction when he read it.  Claremont’s script didn’t call for the sucking of transmorphing dink-fingers on Kitty’s bed, either, but Davis clearly saw that as well.  

  It might be icing on the ends of the fingers going into Courtney’s and Kitty’s mouth, but what you’re witnessing is actually Courtney’s other mutant power. Her fingers transform into a schlong just before getting past anyone’s lips.  It’s her version of transubstantiation, I guess..

#3

The He-Man Adventures Castle Greyskull

I said we weren’t looking for double-entendres, but  “He-Man Adventure Castle” is what I call my own Mr. Happy when the wife’s not in the room. However, it’s not the sly name of this toy that leapfrogs it onto our parade of peenies, it’s the not so subtle bulgy bits by the back turret.

I know He-Man is an impressive super-hero, but that thing’s about four stories tall.   WAIT!  This place belongs to his arch enemy.  I’m thinking the whole misunderstanding is about envy…

#2

Mickey Mouse: Bladid

I have no idea when this was done, what BLADID means, or anything to do with any of this, but it’s making me understand Euro-Disney a little better.  This image is an internet favorite, popping up on anti-Disney websites, Christian protest sites, and one or two homophobic homepages.  It’s all supposed to prove that Disney has some sort of agenda one way or another, but I’m damned if I can figure out what is going on.

Oh, yes I can.  It’s Mickey holding a Smurf’s dick.  And if you’ll notice, there’s a ring around it to keep it going for hours.  Excuse me, I have to go wash my hands.

#1

The Little Mermaid Castle Dildo

The Holy Grail of surprise penis!

Arguably the most famous surprise penis of the last thirty years.  It’s an urban legend that this image exists, and I’m here to tell you it’s real.  Contrary to popular belief, it was not created by a disgruntled employee, nor was it even intentional.  According to the original artist (who has remained nameless all these years for obvious reasons) it was late, and he was working quickly when creating this iconic image, and what was supposed to be just another spire in this magical castle, sprouted a circumcised helmet, veins and a lovely round set of balls by sheer coincidence.

It could happen to anybody.

When this undersea version of a He-Man Adventure Castle was spotted by a church group shortly after the home video box was released, Disney redrew this famous image to remove the infamous spire.  I believe the original artist did it by accident, why not?  And Disney never fired him or reprimanded him in any way, apparently.  He was actually promoted to head of the sippy cup design department shortly before Buzz Lightyear’s first movie…

There are COUNTLESS more surprise penis moments in the world of cartoons, comics and toys…I have a thick, bulging file of these that I’ve collected over the years, and I encourage you to play this game at home.  Don’t even get me started on the surprise penis events in the world of science fiction and fantasy….wait, that might be another top ten list!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS comic book surprise penis!

Looks like youre carrying around some hefty wood there, Billy...


The Top Ten Signs of Bill Shatner’s Genius – Even When He’s Not Wearing A Starfleet Uniform (or anything ELSE for that matter!)

Today is Bill Shatner’s 80th birthday, and seeing as it’s international “Talk Like Bill Shatner Day” we have no choice but to make this post.  No… choice….at…all.

Let’s start with this:  Bill Shatner is the male version of Marilyn Monroe.

No, I don’t mean he’s an iconic sex symbol for a generation (though he might have been, I’m male, and can’t comment on that), I mean he shares Monroe’s amazing talent for knowing how to be looked at. He may even be the best at it who ever lived.  If William Shatner was on stage with a burning goat who  knocked over furniture and set the theater ablaze, you’d only notice the flaming beast if Shatner pointed it out.

Is there a burning goat in here? Or is it my eyes?

I love Bill Shatner. I love him in ways it’s best my wife doesn’t know about.  I’d take a bullet for him, and have, in fact, taken many bullets over the years, including Kingdom of the Spiders, Tek War novels, and T.J. Hooker. But day in, day out, it always comes back to William Shatner, the  man Eddie Murphy once called “the coolest white guy alive”.

Everyone thinks that Star Trek made Shatner famous, but in the real world, Trek become popular because of Bill, and not the other way around.  The true glory of Shatner is that he didn’t blow it all on one character.  The man has been dropping genius bombs for years, usually to the confusion of lesser men who cannot conceive of the talent before them.  So, I’m here to help.  Today, on the master’s 80th birthday, we talk about his non-Kirk life, and give you…

THE TOP TEN SIGNS OF BILL SHATNER’S GENIUS, EVEN WHEN HE’S NOT WEARING HIS STARFLEET UNIFORM.


10– Free Enterprise
A little known flick, made in 1998.  Sure, his Priceline.com commercials had hinted at the rich vein of self-parody that was there, but the role as “Bill” in FREE ENTERPRISE really set it in motion.   In the film, he plays an actor named Bill Shatner, former star of Star Trek, but the character of “Bill” is nothing like real life person at all.  He’s an addle brained doofus in the part, single and on the make (he was married at the time), unemployed and broke (he wasn’t) and attempting to raise money to make a version of Julius Caesar, in which Shatner plays all the parts.  “It would require me to stab myself in the back, I know, but I’ve been doing that my whole career…”.  Bill attempts to raise the money from a pair of Trekkies who meet him in the porn section of a video store and the movie takes off from there.  Besides the magnificent fantasy sequence involving a fight between Kirk and Han Solo, the DVD extras include a scene of Shatner “rapping” soliloquies from Shakespeare in an outfit that would have embarrassed a stoned hippie.

Genius at work

9—Rocket Man


The glory of Shatner’s singing voice is that he’s perfectly capable of singing, and CHOOSES not to.  That’s makes him the Picasso of the throat.  No one performs a song like this, and if they DO, they’re called “Shatner-esque”.  See for yourself:

8 —  Get a Life
When your career (up until that point) is built largely around a single character and a fanbase of stunningly dedicated fans, it takes epic cojones to stab your most loyal admirers in the digestive tract for the sake of a joke.  But Shatner did exactly that on Saturday Night Live in 1986 for one infamous sketch.

What makes it work on every level, is the paternal quality to the lecture.  It’s like he really cares about us; if only we weren’t such a crippling disappointment.  The sketch annoyed about half the world’s Trekkies, and permanently enraged the other half.  Somehow, it made me love Shatner all the more.  He later named his autobiograpy “Get a Life” just to turn the knife one more time.

7—INCUBUS
Not his first role, but an early example of that Shatner genius caught on film.  INCUBUS is the only feature ever shot in Esperanto, an invented international language created in the 19th Century to foster international peace.  The language never caught on, so there was no audience whatsoever for this piece of cinema when it was released in 1966.  Of course, it would have fallen into complete obscurity, without the presence of it’s handsome Canadian star.

I own this film and can report that, thanks to Bill, it’s better than you’d expect.  It’s about mystic women and lost souls and that sort of thing (there are subtitles for the Esperanto-impaired) but the greatness of the film lies in watching Shatner perform his signature staccato style in a gibberish language.  It has the quality of dream when you turn off the subtitles and simply allow the experience.

6—Airplane 2


In those Abrams/Zucker/Abrams comedies of the 80s, the various casts deadpanned the corny jokes, and that carried most of the funny.  But the fifteen minute cameo that Bill Shatner bestowed upon the world in Airplane 2 was a different game.  Bill didn’t play the corny as serious, he played it as the fifth act of a Shakespearean tragedy… an Oscar-bait scene of high drama.  Bill the serious actor “went to eleven” and stole the un-stealable movie.

5—NIGHTMARE AT 20,000 FEET

Twilight Zone is an important milestone in the history of SF and Television.  Everyone loves the one where Burgess Meredith breaks  his glasses in the last library left on Earth, but it’s the Shatner episode that gets the most spoofs, remakes, jokes, and references.  NIGHTMARE is the epitome of the Twilight Zone genre, and once again, our hero is at the center of the storm.

4 – Big Giant Head

Shown actual size

In the 90s sitcom “Third Rock from the Sun” Shatner had a delightful recurring role as the King of the Galaxy (the Big Giant Head), a character who had been mentioned but never seen for many episodes before they cast Bill in the role.  When you’ve created a galactic king, there are so few performers who could have been convincing in the part that they had no choice but to give it to our Bill.
BONUS GENIUS MOMENT:

John Lithgow (the star of 3rd Rock) reprised Shatner’s Twilight Zone character from NIGHTMARE AT 20,000 FEET in the Twilight Zone movie.  So, Shatner’s on-screen debut as Big Giant Head included the exchange you’ll see in the clip below:  Meta-jokes and self parody?  BRILLIANT!

3 – Big Bad Mama
The Bill Shatner nude scene.   Say those five words slowly, and intently, and realize what that means.  The. Bill. Shatner. Nude. Scene.  Now realize it’s with Angie Dickinson.  End of story.

Look mom! Bunnies!

2-  Has Been

Your ears will thank you.

Shatner’s music CD, created in 2004 with Ben Folds, is actually magnificent.  I originally picked up the album ironically, to enjoy the terrible over-acted songs, and the over-the-top nonsense of it all, and couldn’t believe my ears.  It’s a brilliant, SERIOUS album, that deserves to be called art.  The spoken word songs are touching, funny, clever, insightful, and for one track about the drowning death of his wife, Nerine…absolutely haunting.  I NEVER saw this coming, and it stayed in my CD player for months when I first bought it.  I couldn’t stop playing it.  And I wasn’t alone…the CD charted in Billboard’s top forty for a while.  The Picasso of the throat strikes again!

1-  Denny Crane

Into his seventies, well past the moment that leading men have long retired, Bill Shatner found the role of a lifetime.  The supposedly fading star of TV became the fading star of the courtroom, complete with Mad Cow, a gun fetish and a mind-boggling case of eponymous Tourettes syndrome.  Denny managed to make the muttering of his own name a threat, a statement, a punctuation and a boast, often all in the same ten seconds.  It scored Shatner an armful of Emmy awards, all richly deserved.

GENIUS!

And is the genius done?  No.  He’s eighty years old and STILL going strong, currently starring in Shit my Dad Says, a middling sit-com that ONLY works when Shatner’s on stage.  He’s hosting shows on the Discovery network, and Biography.  He has his own YouTube channel with an internet talk show there.  He’s still plotting Trek novels, and shilling Priceline and showing his skills as a horseman in shows across the United States.

Happy birthday Mr. Shatner.  It really is your world, and the rest of us just live in it.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your EXTRA Shatner Moments:

Bill once starred in a movie made from one of my dad’s novels

The first time I was actually in the presence of the thespian himself (on the set of this movie), I was instantly emasculated and enjoyed the experience completely.

The Top Ten Catwoman Actresses.

Anne Hathaway, practicing to be on all fours.

It was announced a week or so back that Anne Hathaway is going to be the new Catwoman in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming Batman film.  I’m reserving judgment until I see the movie, as Catwoman is a tricky character; the part has made or broken the careers of a few thespians.  Either way, one doesn’t walk away from playing Selina Kyle without some sort of permanent mark.

This woman merely auditioned to play Catwoman in a local theater, and look what it did to her.

Here now…

THE TOP TEN ACTRESSES TO PLAY CATWOMAN.

10:  Halle Berry – Catwoman (2005).

Ahh! Ahh! It burns my eyes!!

I’m not sure Berry can be completely blamed for the unforgivable cluster-coitus that this movie turned out to be.  Though she won the 2005 “Razzie” award for Worst Actress for her part in the film (and showed up to receive it, which took balls), CATWOMAN also won a Razzie for Worst Screenplay, Worst Director, and Worst Film, so everything including the catered food contributed to this crap storm.  When your leading lady calls the final product “…a piece of shit, God-awful movie” you know you’re making a classic.  This film has nothing to do with Batman–or Catwoman for that

And yet, no one was arrested or detained.

matter—instead is based around Egyptian cat mythology, cosmetic-based drug pushing, and the transformation of a recently murdered woman named Patience into a cat-themed vigilante who wears an outfit created originally for Borat/Bruno slash-fic.  Eurgh.  Other than illegal Filipino Batman movies and a Mexican stage musical, there are only ten actresses who have ever played Catwoman officially, so that’s why Halle Berry made the list.  If the Filipinos had only bought the license properly, she would not have made the cut.  Do not watch this movie without a spotter as injuries may occur.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  Halle Berry is one of only two Catwomen I have actually met, and the only one I have touched with my bare hands.

9)  Melendy Britt:  BATMAN, SUPER-FRIENDS, BATMAN/TARZAN ADVENTURE HOUR. (1977)

She was the voice of Catwoman on all the Filmation “Super-Powers” Batman and Super-friends episodes.  I hated what she did with the character, the cackling laugh, the obnoxious purr noises, the entire routine.  Still, she was leagues better than Halle Berry.

Not bad looking for a voice actress, either.

Ms Britt was also the voice of Batgirl, AND the sexy She-Ra, so she knew her way around shapely two-dimensional characters.

8-  Maggie Baird.  BIRDS OF PREY (2002)

Technically, her part on the show was billed as "Mom".

She played Catwoman in the flashback sequences on Birds of Prey, the mildly disappointing but not-awful TV show of a few years back.  Though she was the HUNTRESS’ mother on the series (something ret-conned out of the DC Comics continuity after the original CRISIS) her flashback sequences were fairly rare, and I’m not sure if I remember Catwoman actually having a speaking line on any episode.  She was still better than Halle Berry.

"Mom" out of costume.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  I am the only human on Earth who owns video copies of every episode of the Birds of Prey series.  I’m not sure the producers even kept a set.

7)  Gina Gershon:  THE BATMAN (Animated Series 2005)


Gina took over playing the animated Catwoman in the Batman series that ran from 2004 to 2008.  Gina Gershon certainly has the attitude, the bod, the voice, and probably knows how to handle a nine-tailed whip better than my high school lacrosse coach ever did.

I'm fairly sure we can make a whip out of the outfit she's wearing here.

Frankly, I would have preferred a live-action Gershon Catwoman than the less-than sexy designs they went with for this version of the character.

 

Seriously ugly design.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  This version of Selina Kyle is from the animated version of Batman that got Dan Slott and me fired a few years ago from Batman Adventures.  But I’m not bitter.

6)  Julia Rose: BATMAN: RETURN TO THE BATCAVE: The misadventures of adam and burt (2003)

Amazingly enough, that is not Julie Newmar, Adam and Burt, but an Hollywood reproduction.

She played Julie Newmar (and therefore, Catwoman), in the 1999 TV movie.  This telefilm was a somewhat fictionalized story about the making of the original Adam West show including some amusing nonsense that simply didn’t happen.  Worth a look for Bat-fans, if only to see Adam and Burt together again in the 90s!  Julia has a fairly minor part, seen in the flashback sequences, but hubba-hubba!  Ms. Rose  looked amazing in the Catwoman outfit and pulled off the trick as an impression of a different actress playing the part.

Julia Rose: A little bit of Julie Newmar with a little bit of Anne Hathaway.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  I LOVE this movie, primarily for the Frank Gorshin performance as “Frank Gorshin, the aging lunatic”.

5)  Lee Meriwether.  BATMAN: The Movie (1966)


Ahhh…Batman: the Movie.  Such rich chocolately goodness to behold for the lifelong Bat-fan.  Up until the recent Dark Knight movie, this was my hands down favorite Batman film, and still the one I’ve seen the most times by a wide margin.  (It’s likely over twenty-five times by now).  The scenes where “Miss Kitka” was trying to seduce Bruce Wayne with her goofy Russian accent, I could do without, but she wore the Emma-Peel-With-Ears outfit with flying colors,  and moved all cat-like when she needed.  And have you seen a recent picture of Ms. Meriweather?  It’s not just my  opinion, but a provable fact that Lee Meriwether is the hottest senior citizen on the planet Earth.

The mind boggles. Clearly a deal with the devil is involved.

4)  Eartha Kitt.  BATMAN (The TV Series) 1968

Rrrowrrr.

Orson Welles once called Eartha Kitt “The most exciting woman in the world”.  Considering that Welles worked with Rita Hayworth, Ava Gardner, Marlene Deitrich, and Deloris Del Rio, Orson knew his way around exciting women.  It’s really about “the voice”.  No one did the purring sound like Eartha because the woman was actually genetically part cat.  It’s in her name, so there’s no use in pretending.  Find a copy of the old musical St. Louis Blues on DVD and tell me the woman in that film isn’t a human-feline hybrid created in a lab somewhere.

Looking at this photo is part of becoming a fully grown man. It's a right of passage.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  Ms. Kitt is the other Catwoman I got to meet.  I played a prank on her at a party once, and my girlfriend (at the time) got blamed for it.  I am an evil man.

3)  Julie Newmar.  BATMAN (the TV Series) 1966

Now we're talking!

She was the first Catwoman actress, and certainly one of the best.  Sexy, slinky, supple, and other words that start with S.  No matter how well Eartha Kitt did the “purrr-fect” gag, Julie still did it first, and created the template of Catwoman as a live breathing character to fanboys and girls the world over.

As far as I can tell, Julie is the only Catwoman who had a movie written about her cult status amongst transvestites.

This is NOT part of becoming a fully grown man.

But Julie is ALL girl, and even has a patent on a special kind of bra, and a special kind of butt-shaping undergarment.  Both inventions are the lingerie of choice amongst transvestites, I understand.  Thanks Wong Fu.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  I learned everything about the birds and the bees by watching Julie give birth on Star Trek.

"No one may touch me but the Ma-Coy"

2)  Adrienne Barbeau:  BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES (1992)

Is it wrong of me to like this drawing a lot?

It’s hard to find fault with this version of the character, arguably the best interpretation of Ms. Kyle yet put to screen.  Her origin as a socialite turned animal rights activist turned jewel thief in a slinky cat-costume hit all the right buttons for this Selina-phile.  The costume is great, and the voice behind it is the completely  Catwoman-worthy Adrienne Barbeau.

My wife chose this photo of Ms. Barbeau, don't blame me.

Great in a cat-suit.  Great lurking in a swamp with the Swamp Thing.  Great sparring with Bea Arthur in Maude.  Just great.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  I briefly dated a woman who played the Siamese cat in a production of Cats, and who wore a costume identical to this one – on stage, mostly.  Also: I wrote and drew this version of Catwoman quite a few times, and won a few awards for it.

The cats on this cover are all my own cats, by the way. They even posed.

1)  Michelle Pfeiffer.   BATMAN RETURNS.  (1992)

There are no words...

It’s wrong of me.  I know. But this is the version in my head when someone says “Catwoman”. It’s also the image in my head when someone says “Leather body-suit” or “Is that your zipper?”.  It’s not just the costume, it’s not Michelle Pfeiffer,  it’s not because this is a well written version of Catwoman (though her scenes with Bruce are the most “on character” moments in any of the Tim Burton movies) and it’s not the whip.  But the whole combination of that actress, in that suit, with that whip, in that movie, at that time…it imprinted the Correct  Catwoman-ness into my DNA even though it makes me feel all private and tingly whenever I see the it.

Michelle out of the cat-suit, and STILL I see Catwoman.

PERSONAL CATWOMAN CONNECTION:  As it spent some time on display in the big conference room at the DC offices, I have actually touched Michelle Pfieffer’s Catwoman suit.  The costume was smaller than I thought it was.  Legends loom large.

There you have it Anne.  You’ve got some competition for the hearts and minds of the audience.  I generally like the newer Batman movies, so there’s a good chance you’ll pull it off, just so long as you don’t drink milk and lick yourself like Halle Berry, and you don’t try to do Eartha Kitt’s voice.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Special Postscript:  I’d be remiss if I didn’t include a photograph of a friend of mine, Meghan Campbell, who is Toronto’s (and possibly comic fandom’s) best Catwoman cosplayer.  Don’t just take my word for it…

Meghan, playing on the stairs.

Again, Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your Illegal Pilipino Batman Movie Moment:

The Catwoman in this unlicensed magnum opus was played by the remarkably named "Lotis Key"

For more of my lists, click HERE

Bun Toons Countdown 2010 Part IV! Star Trek in Four Panels!

Today we offend the Trekkies.  When this first ran in November, thousands read it, and thousands objected.  Mostly Riker fans, but who really cares about them?

This got reblogged on Wil Wheaton’s site…I’m still getting a tons of hits from this one a month later.  FULL DISCLOSURE:  I’m a Trekkie…I’ve written a Star Trek Graphic Novel for IDW, and I’ve not only got discs for all 30 seasons of the shows, I’ve got all the Power Record Read Along comics…so no harm done, okay?

There’s so much you can do in just four panels.  First the world of Star Trek…and now…

Coming Soon:  Quantum Physics All in Four Panels…easy as pie.

See you tomorrow, on New Year’s Day for the most popular Bun Toon of the year…tens of thousands of hits, just because it’s all about SEX!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your New Year’s Eve Comic Book Moment of Zen:

Darn, this is the last day of 2010 that I can promote this issue of Mad Magazine:

The Top Five Bun Toons of 2010- plus the awful ones – part 2

My end of the year round-up of the last eight month’s worth of bun toons continues.  I’m an unstoppable juggernaut, and you’re in my sights, web surfers, so get up on the motherboards and RIDE!

Everett Mann seemed to be a hit with you readers.  From the reaction they got, I shall certainly be returning to this character.  Perhaps something in a adult themed dance-drama, or a weird science fiction opera.  One never knows…Until then, here are the first two appearances of…

————————————–

The LAST ROUND-UP series of webcomics were my first attempt at recurring characters in the opening few months of the Bun Toons series.  I did six of these in total, and might force them on the public again in 2011, but as there were no swear words, blasphemies, or nudity in these comics, they never caught fire with the good-natured pervs that essentially run the internet.  No matter how much I loved Space Cows…  Here’s one of my favorite chapters, if not yours.

They escaped in Chapter 5, by the way, but were sent adrift into space in Chapter 6.

See you tomorrow for more of the countdown!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your end of the year countdown moment of comic book zen:

This ultra-rare misprint of Mad #507 was discovered recently in a comic shop in New York City.  Every page was printed up-side-down, and the staples were inserted into the wrong side of the magazine!   Astounding, but true…and I’ve heard there are other misprints exactly like this one out there in stores RIGHT NOW.   You MUST hurry to buy this special mis-printed version of the year-end issue of MAD…or you’ll be covered in fanboy shame.

CHRISTMAS COMIC COVERS V: Tingle Bells, Chestnuts Roasting, and the Seven Most Inappropriately Sexy Comic Book X-Mas Covers!

The nights get longer, and so do these blog titles.

Work the camera, you hot bitch.

Not For Kids today.  Sorry little ones, head out of the room while the grown ups giggle about boobies and stuff.

And big powerful rockets...

It’s Christmas Eve, and naturally, my mind turns to uncomfortable moments of inappropriate sexuality on Christmas Comic Book Covers.  It’s who I am.  At least, I’ve stopped posting images of Santa Claus’ corpse… for now…

Whereas this sort of thing is making a comeback.

Today, check your innocence at the door, and expect to get it back all covered in carpet hair and something awful, as I present to you…

THE SEVEN MOST INAPPROPRIATELY  NAUGHTY COMIC BOOK CHRISTMAS COVERS

#7

Okay, first:  That’s a sex-face that would make Greg Land proud.  I’ve never seen that expression on a girl in any other Archie Comic, or else I would have been a life-long subscriber.  Second:  There’s just a whole mess of wrong in the way Reggie is posed all dry-humpy like that, and though I know it’s part of the ladder, it might have been best not to have that bit poking up between his legs.  Once you start to see it the wrong way, you’re not so sure about what Moose and Archie are up to either.

#6

The girl in the sexy Santa suit is a staple of the holiday season.  I get that.   But the bra-less come hither look that Sue is flashing the reader while her brother and husband are in the room just creeps me the hell out.  And let’s not ignore Ben’s massive sack or the weird, vein-y shape we’re getting from Reed’s head.  Everything about this image shouts “Think of old nuns and baseball or your very soul is imperiled!”.

#5

For children.  Children of ALL ages.  Give this to your thirteen year old boy, and see if you’ll get him out of his room before New Year’s Eve.   You have to admire the marketing to the youngsters.  It’s like a Joe Camel, only for starter porn.

#4

Who doesn’t love Paul Dini’s JINGLE BELLE?  She’s an adorable little minx who gets into trouble at the North Pole in these adorable little specials that Dini and his pals do every year.   You can ignore the stripper pole image to the left, or the many butt-centric poses she finds herself in, as her stories are usually light-hearted fun that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, or anything else.  But the big cover above contains what is clearly an image of Santa checking out Belle’s ass, and raising his hand to give it an ol’ rump slap, possibly for stealing those cookies.  This is all fine, until you recall that Jingle Belle is Santa’s teen aged daughter.  Then it all goes straight to hell.   Go wash your eyes.

#3

Why?  Why would Mac Raboy and Fawcett Comics make this cover and force the image of Santa Claus in tights into my brain?  I mean, we can see everything, okay?  Just ew.  It’s bad enough that Santa was riding on Captain Marvel like a pony-boy the previous Christmas, (as seen to the left…imagine the feeling of being perched atop those rock hard buttocks, molded from the flesh of Greek Gods as you fly through the sky, and get back to me…) but does Santa have have to strip down to the spandex leggings when he hangs out with the crippled teenaged boys?  Whertham was right.

#2

By all that is holy, Wonder Woman, run!  Don’t listen to Green Lantern, that honeybee condom isn’t going to help.  Stay true to your Amazon heritage and RUN!!  Okay…I might be seeing smut where it wasn’t intended in this cover (though it’s hard not to see it) but you’ll never convince me the next cover was an accident…

#1

Right?  Right?  That is one damn happy carrot she’s holding onto, and one heck of a pile of snow.  For god’s sake, she’s actually not even wearing pants.  One wonders if Mike Deodato Jr. ever stopped giggling that they actually put this into comic stores.

Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and so I’ll post only lovely, friendly, happy Christmas Covers, I promise.  (I can’t imagine anyone will be online…but just in case).

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOTE:  The Santa countdown has been running all week:

Click HERE for Seven Most Homicidal Santas

Click HERE for Seven Monster Santas

Click HERE for Seven best DEAD Santas

Click HERE for Ten Best Santa vs. Superhero fights

And now your comic book horrible Santa Sexuality moment of zen:

The Ultimate Warrior from the WWE, steals Santa’s pants after…something…happened between them in his Christmas Comic Special.  This is a double page “spread”, and not a cover, or else it would have been #2 on the above list.  The cover itself isn’t that bad….