Another Honest to God True Life Adventure!

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Okay, so I don’t blame the hotel guy, who was probably a wonderful person and didn’t deserve my condescension.  But when you’re not from the area, and you don’t see the slave cabins as the asterisk to the plantation experience, but the centre of it, his response was shocking.  Those places are ground zero for the American holocaust, and the idea of planning a wedding there is horrifying to me, no matter how lovely the house and grounds are.

When you’re raised to see the anchoring crime at the bedrock of your history as a minor detail, a passing footnote, a blip in an otherwise lovely thing, you’re unconsciously part of the problem, I’m sorry to say.

I’m sure he didn’t mean anything.  He just didn’t know.

Ty the Guy OUT!

New Orleans has given the world a number of lovely comic book heroes…

Monica Rambeau was a New Orleans resident before becoming the second  most-named-Avenger-ever, Photon/ Pulsar/ Spectrum/ Captain Marvel.   (MPD Super-hero Hank Pym tops the list with seven names.)

N’Awlins gets to claim the Ragin’ Cajun as well.

Is there anything more wonderful than the Atomic Knights in the French Quarter?  You’ll notice there’s no signs in the background for strip clubs, jazz halls and palm readers, so I don’t know what part of the quarter they’re in…

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For last week’s Bleeding Heart Left Wing Bun Toon, click above.

For another story from that same trip to New Orleans, click the Scissors Bunny above (settle in, this is a long story).

Equal Bun Toons! YAY!

warning: satire ahead. use caution.

It’s nice to see things finally changing in the world of comics.

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At least we won’t be having this discussion again for another two or three weeks.

TY THE GUY OUT!

Because I have to:

Oh yes, it’s real.

So many important lessons for Lois to learn.

Oddly enough, this comic is not a collector’s item.

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For last week’s equally “inside baseball” Bun Toon, click here.

For more diverse Bun Toons, click the chick real quick, you hick!

 

The Top Ten Captain Marvels

So now Carol Danvers has been switched from Ms. Marvel to Captain Marvel, a change in rank that might not be a promotion, given that I’m more likely to listen to a woman than a military man about almost anything.  By my count, she’s something like the twelfth or thirteenth character to use the concept, and that doesn’t include Doc Samson or the Flash stealing the Big Red Cheese’s original costume…

Given that I have a blog and twelve spare minutes today, I have no choice but to rank the Captains Marvel for the breathless internet public.
I don’t want to…I HAVE to.

Here now, the

TOP TEN CAPTAIN MARVELS

#10

Amalgam Captain Marvel.  

The easiest Amalgam of them all was little more than a wasted opportunity.  He does nothing but occupy space, he didn’t even make the cover of either of the issues he appears in.  Once you get the idea that both Marvel and DC had characters with this name, the effort is done.  There’s the stink of laziness all over this guy, and considering how clever and fun the Amalgams were, this is inexcusable.

Kree-Shazam…oh, forget it.

BEST STORY:

Not applicable. He’s an empty suit

#9

Mahr Vehl.

I must be a modern comic. Look at all that detail.

The “Ultimate” Captain Marvel is nothing of the sort.  Though some of the Ultimate comics update and re-imagine traditional Marvel characters with a sensibility better suited to a 21st Century reader, this particular Ultimate character is nowhere near as fun, sympathetic, or memorable as any other version of this character, including the Amalgam one.  The Ultimate Gah Lak Tus and the Ultimate Vision (both in the story Mahr Vehl first appears in), are  equally second rate compared to the 616 Universe. Don’t fix what ain’t broke, peoples.

BEST STORY

Ultimate Secret. But I’m being kind.

#8

Monica Rambeau

Who remembers me? Show of hands…

You have to give points to Marvel Comics for trying to create a black female super-hero (who wasn’t a mutant), who would kick butt and take charge.  A sort of Ororo/Storm for the Avengers, but using someone else’s name.  The problem was, the writers and editors never let the character earn her place after she was created by Roger Stern and JR JR in a Spider-Man annual.  She complained about being out of her league too darn much, she never really mattered in the stories she was in, never was given a major role in the Marvel U, and she gave up the name without a fuss when the opportunity came about, calling herself PHOTON.

Her last issue before the name change. Did anyone buy this?

Even when she became leader of the Avengers (briefly) she screws up on her first mission, accidentally merging with the Atlantic Ocean and barely surviving the watery event.  After that, she’s relegated to crowd scenes when EVERY character in the universe has to gather to get smacked around by Thanos or Dormammu or someone.   I think she was in MARVEL DIVAS a while back, but who read that? When the idea to be inclusive meets stories that barely rise above tokenism, you end up with this mess of a character.  It’s too bad.

BEST STORY:

The Spider-Man Annual, when her potential was yet unsquandered.

#7

Noh-Varr

The boy, before he was a captain.

My fondness for No-Varr comes from the Grant Morrison/JL Jones mini-series from a 2000 (Marvel Boy), that involved the character turning New York state into a giant swear word.  Though he started out stealing the name

What? Another stolen name?

from a 50s Marvel character, he graduated to stealing the more famous name, becoming the bad boy version of Captain Marvel from an alternate universe, and that means I can CHANGE him and make him better if only he’d let me.  That’s true love.   And as the “bad boy” Captain Marvel, it’s appropriate that he first takes the Captaincy when he joins the “Dark Avengers”.

He’s currently an Avenger called Protector, a name he stole from Atlas Comics (a company that stole their name from Marvel’s 50s incarnation, Atlas Comics…this is all so fun), and his costume is a mess of black and white stripes and boxes that looks like it took all of twenty minutes to design. Oh well, we’ll always have Marvel Boy.

The all-new “Protector” hero.

Stolen again!

BEST STORY:

He just wants someone to tame him, I swear.

#6

Genis Vell

Cool update on a classic costume, and some interesting cosmic story lines, though I could have done without the insanity stuff and the alt-universe sister showing up, also claiming to be Captain Marvel.  For a while Genis Vell thought his dad was Starfox/Eros, the super-rapist of the galaxy, but it turned out Genis  was the son of a Kree traitor instead.  Either way, no father’s day cards.  At some point, our hero drops the name Captain Marvel for the name Photon, which Monica Rambeau obviously gave up as easily as her Captain Marvel identity.  Monica can’t hold onto anything.

BEST STORY:

The run of issues by Peter David, despite the crazy and the sister.

#5

Freddie Freeman

Forgive the racism, it was a more “innocent” time.

The “Robin/Bucky” of the Fawcett Marvel world, Captain Marvel Jr. rose

The REAL Captain Marvel Jr.

above his origins to be a fairly strong character on his own.  The artwork for the Little Blue Cheese was consistently wonderful:  Mac Raboy and Kurt Schaffenberger in the Golden Age, Dave Cockrum, Don Newton and Kurt Schaffenberger in the Silver Age and Jerry Ordway in the Bronze Age, ol’ Freddie Freeman lucked out with some great visuals throughout his career, and he even had time to play first base for the Atlanta Braves for a while.  Plus:  Who doesn’t love the Tiny Tim vibe?  God Shazam us, every one.

BEST STORY:

Anything by Mac Raboy.

#4

Mary Marvel

Apparently, girls like giant butterflies.

Called Captain Marvel in the POWER OF SHAZAM series, so she counts too.  When I was a teenager, Bob Oksner was the illustrated for all the Mary Marvel stories in SHAZAM!, and these were the highlight of my month when she’d appear in the back up tales.  I had a crush on her…a line drawing.  I know it’s wrong, but I did.  She was the ultimate girl-next-door, in a way that Supergirl never quite was.  And the eight year old girl version of her from Jeff Smith’s run was amazing.  HATED what they did to her in all the awful Crisis/Countdown/Crisis/52/Blackest Night/Crisis nonsense.  Shameful handling of a great character.  I’m waiting to see that they don’t screw her up in the Gary Frank series she’s in now.

BEST STORY:

The new Monster Society of Evil by Jeff Smith…where Mary is about eight.

#3

Billy Baxter

That’s not a typo, I mean Baxter, not Batson.  This Captain Marvel, published briefly by Myron Fass Enterprises in the mid-sixties, has lived in my heart for decades.  His comics came out when I was about five years old, and since I have a couple of these, I  cannot view them with any objectivity.  They are simply wonderful building blocks of my childish psyche. “SPLIT!” is as powerful as “Flame on!” as far as I’m concerned…and that’s quite a co-incidence as this Captain Marvel was illustrated by Carl Burgos, creator of the original Human Torch.  Included in this series was the equally trademark squatting characters of “Dr. Fate”, “The Ray”, “Plastic Man”, “The Destroyer” and “The Bat”, proving Myron liked to live on the edge of lawsuits for thrills.   The Bat is the best, because he changed his name to “THE RAY” to avoid a DC lawsuit (even though the Ray was a Quality Comics character) and his costume looked exactly like the Martian Manhunter.  You could see why the company was called “MF Comics”; I think it was an abbreviation for something other than the publisher’s name.   This is the original squatter on the Captain Marvel title, so it gets extra points for picking at the corpse first.

BEST STORY:

All of them. There’s only six issues of this guy.

#2

Mar-Vell

This one picked at the corpse of the Billy Baxter version, technically, as it came out about two years after MF’s title.  His original appearance in MARVEL SUPER-HEROES #12 was less than thrilling, and his first couple of years in his own title wouldn’t have left much of an impact on anyone…but then HOO BOY, we get the Gil Kane version, with the new costume and Rick Jones in ish #17.

Now we’re talking.

I love how that version of this familiar name went back to the idea that the Captain and a young boy would share the same identity, and would change back and forth with a bolt of lightning. I mean, if you’re going to steal a character, steal it full out. That’s bold.
But the quality of the art and stories improved so much, I forgave the obvious rip-off and dug right in. By the time Jim Starlin came along, Cap was amongst my top five favorite Marvel comics.

BEST STORY:

The Trial of the Watcher, and sadly, the Death of Captain Marvel.

#1

Billy Batson

The first, the original, at one point the best selling comic book in the world, and the basis of the SHAZAM catch phrase for Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. (you youngsters can look Gomer up, I’m not explaining everything.)
He was almost called Captain Thunder or Captain Lightning, but smart marketing heads prevailed, and, as Captain Marvel, the character ended up the quintessential super-hero of the Golden Age, perhaps the best super-hero of all time. The mix of serious business and lighthearted fun was perfect for the war era, but it hasn’t translated well into modern versions and the character has been relegated to misfires and almost-gets-it-right stories for decades. It’s hard not to love the Jeff Smith and Jerry Ordway runs, and I’m sort of digging the Gary Frank version coming out now in the back of Justice League, but I can’t see how you could improve on the C.C. Beck and Otto Binder version from sixty years ago. Besides three Captain Marvels, this series gives us Lieutenant Marvels, Uncle Marvels, Hillbilly Marvels, Bunny Marvels and a sharp dressed talking tiger named Tawny. Beat THAT, comics industry.

Pictured above: Courtroom sketches from the 50s

For some reason, because the Captain could fly, he wore a cape, his secret identity was a reporter, and his arch villain was a bald scientist, DC comics felt he was a trademark infringement on Superman. Eventually a court did as well, and Fawcett closed down their publishing line in 1957 to avoid a large cash settlement.
Lawyers are scum.

BEST STORY:

The original Monster Society of Evil. Was there a second choice?

So, Carol has a hell of a legacy to live up to.  (And of course, Genis Vell was called “Legacy” in his early appearances, so that’s taken as well).

We’ll be keeping an eye on you, Ms. Danvers.  We expect Monster Society quality stuff, or at least a .285 batting average for the Braves.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS Captain Marvel moment.

Legendary sax player Stan Getz got into the Captain Marvel action with this classic album from the 70s. Apparently ANYONE can use the name at this point.

Ride ’em Kringle! The Top Seven Alternative Methods of Transportation for Santa Claus.

These titles are getting longer, just like the nights.

With the price of gas, the concern for the environment, and the need to be ahead of the hipness curve, people are talking about alternative transportation.

Therefore, so are we.

THE TOP SEVEN ALTERNATIVES TO SANTA’S TRADITIONAL SLEIGH.

Number #7

THE  SNOWMOBILE

What makes this Dennis the Menace cover from 1967 an outstanding example of the commonplace sleigh-Skidoo-switcheroo genre is the gleeful mix of reindeer abandonment and felony kidnapping.

Number #6

 The Grim Toboggan.  

The man in the top hat knows that the night of swallowing uppers, bathtub gin, and the lies of a red-suited lumberjack have led to this… their deaths on a plummeting toboggan.

Number #5

The Sex Rocket

With two balls of spitting fire and a control basket jammed tight up into Father Ho-Ho’s man-business, Dell’s Santa Claus Funnies #66 produced an image from my childhood I’ve never been able to un-see.  Whatever madness gripped their cover artist to produce this Freudian nightmare, thank god it never happened again.

Number #4

The Sex Jeep.

He’s riding the steering wheel with his balls!   His BALLS, people!  How is this going to happen?   Once Santa realized how ill fitting this jeep was for his ungainly physique, he simply wouldn’t have started the engine.  Use logic!   Think of the children!

Number #3

 The Future Tech Cyborg Hovercar Thing, Mounted with the Severed Head of Rudolph, Kept Alive by Cruel Science

That’s what I see here.  I might be wrong, but I think that’s the hellish dystopia that lays ahead for Rudolph in the world of Archie 3000.   I truly hope this is saving a lot of gasoline or something, or it’s just a tragic waste of a glowing deer.

Number #2

FEAR.

Fear gives you the wings that Red Bull only promises you, and it  gets you two blocks away faster than a bus.  The people terrifying St. Nick here include a serial killer, a demon with hell-born powers, a homicidal rage addict shouting death threats, and a pagan deity with the power to summon lightning.  RUN,  Santa!  Don’t slow down for Blitzen, he’s already lost!

Number #1

Human Enslavement.

Kids: If looking at this makes you ticklish, see a doctor.

When the reindeer are on strike, or have been recently eaten (in this economy, meat is expensive), Santa turns to people with super-powers, and enslaves them to his will.

It was a either a life of servitude, or be put to the fire.

Bwah hah hah! You must do my bidding Superman! I control your very WILL!

Tune in tomorrow when we look below the phony beard and uncover the legion of Imposter Santas!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Now, your BONUS Alternate Transportation Santas:

It’s Jerry Garcia from the Grateful Dead. He’s taking a trip without the sleigh, get it? Get it? It’s that 70s drug humor that Chevy Chase made famous.

Okay then, we’ll leave you with this.

Why do I find this funny? It's because it's a Vortex comic, right?

Click below for more Christmas joy:

CHRISTMAS COMIC COVERS V: Tingle Bells, Chestnuts Roasting, and the Seven Most Inappropriately Sexy Comic Book X-Mas Covers!

The nights get longer, and so do these blog titles.

Work the camera, you hot bitch.

Not For Kids today.  Sorry little ones, head out of the room while the grown ups giggle about boobies and stuff.

And big powerful rockets...

It’s Christmas Eve, and naturally, my mind turns to uncomfortable moments of inappropriate sexuality on Christmas Comic Book Covers.  It’s who I am.  At least, I’ve stopped posting images of Santa Claus’ corpse… for now…

Whereas this sort of thing is making a comeback.

Today, check your innocence at the door, and expect to get it back all covered in carpet hair and something awful, as I present to you…

THE SEVEN MOST INAPPROPRIATELY  NAUGHTY COMIC BOOK CHRISTMAS COVERS

#7

Okay, first:  That’s a sex-face that would make Greg Land proud.  I’ve never seen that expression on a girl in any other Archie Comic, or else I would have been a life-long subscriber.  Second:  There’s just a whole mess of wrong in the way Reggie is posed all dry-humpy like that, and though I know it’s part of the ladder, it might have been best not to have that bit poking up between his legs.  Once you start to see it the wrong way, you’re not so sure about what Moose and Archie are up to either.

#6

The girl in the sexy Santa suit is a staple of the holiday season.  I get that.   But the bra-less come hither look that Sue is flashing the reader while her brother and husband are in the room just creeps me the hell out.  And let’s not ignore Ben’s massive sack or the weird, vein-y shape we’re getting from Reed’s head.  Everything about this image shouts “Think of old nuns and baseball or your very soul is imperiled!”.

#5

For children.  Children of ALL ages.  Give this to your thirteen year old boy, and see if you’ll get him out of his room before New Year’s Eve.   You have to admire the marketing to the youngsters.  It’s like a Joe Camel, only for starter porn.

#4

Who doesn’t love Paul Dini’s JINGLE BELLE?  She’s an adorable little minx who gets into trouble at the North Pole in these adorable little specials that Dini and his pals do every year.   You can ignore the stripper pole image to the left, or the many butt-centric poses she finds herself in, as her stories are usually light-hearted fun that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, or anything else.  But the big cover above contains what is clearly an image of Santa checking out Belle’s ass, and raising his hand to give it an ol’ rump slap, possibly for stealing those cookies.  This is all fine, until you recall that Jingle Belle is Santa’s teen aged daughter.  Then it all goes straight to hell.   Go wash your eyes.

#3

Why?  Why would Mac Raboy and Fawcett Comics make this cover and force the image of Santa Claus in tights into my brain?  I mean, we can see everything, okay?  Just ew.  It’s bad enough that Santa was riding on Captain Marvel like a pony-boy the previous Christmas, (as seen to the left…imagine the feeling of being perched atop those rock hard buttocks, molded from the flesh of Greek Gods as you fly through the sky, and get back to me…) but does Santa have have to strip down to the spandex leggings when he hangs out with the crippled teenaged boys?  Whertham was right.

#2

By all that is holy, Wonder Woman, run!  Don’t listen to Green Lantern, that honeybee condom isn’t going to help.  Stay true to your Amazon heritage and RUN!!  Okay…I might be seeing smut where it wasn’t intended in this cover (though it’s hard not to see it) but you’ll never convince me the next cover was an accident…

#1

Right?  Right?  That is one damn happy carrot she’s holding onto, and one heck of a pile of snow.  For god’s sake, she’s actually not even wearing pants.  One wonders if Mike Deodato Jr. ever stopped giggling that they actually put this into comic stores.

Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and so I’ll post only lovely, friendly, happy Christmas Covers, I promise.  (I can’t imagine anyone will be online…but just in case).

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOTE:  The Santa countdown has been running all week:

Click HERE for Seven Most Homicidal Santas

Click HERE for Seven Monster Santas

Click HERE for Seven best DEAD Santas

Click HERE for Ten Best Santa vs. Superhero fights

And now your comic book horrible Santa Sexuality moment of zen:

The Ultimate Warrior from the WWE, steals Santa’s pants after…something…happened between them in his Christmas Comic Special.  This is a double page “spread”, and not a cover, or else it would have been #2 on the above list.  The cover itself isn’t that bad….