Top Seven Most Awful Things To Find in your Stocking

Last December, I helped festive up the internet yuleing by offering up a sampling of the most inappropriate Santa Claus images from Christmas comic book covers of yesteryore.

The corruption of our cherished funnybook memories continues with…

The Top Seven Most Awful Things to Find in your Stocking

#7

TEENAGED BOYS

As someone who lives with an actual teenage boy, trust me, this is something you do NOT want to discover in your home on Christmas morning.  The reason it takes a teenager twelve years to attain its final form is so that the parents have become used to the child at that point, and less likely to attack it out of fear.  A brand new teenager in the house would be dead within a week.

#6

LIVE DOGS

I don’t know who the darned puppet is, but he’s clearly saying “Howdy” to the dog doody that even I can smell across the room. What sane person would put a puppy, too young to be house trained, into a confining sock over night?   The only thing more foolish would be to stuff five of them in there!

Wha..?

#5 

THE WEAPONS OF EVIL

Hot Stuff is a demon child, part of the hierarchical system of HELL, and he will someday grow up to be one the torturers of the damned.  The pitchfork is the weapon of choice of demons, and Santa knows how to supply them.  The theological implications of this cover could set Christianity back MONTHS.

#4

BETRAYAL

Look upon the face of the cat.  He stares out at us in existential pain.  Did he deserve this vile fate?  The rodent  emerges from a Christmas stocking on the very day of peace and joy, when such an attack would be at its most duplicitous and unforgivable.  Super Mouse is a creature without honor, and the cat dies a martyr in my eyes.

#3

ANYTHING NAMED SLUGGO.

Be it human being, ice cream treat or industrial byproduct, I do not want anything named “Sluggo” in a stocking.  That’s just good policy.

#2

VULGAR IMMORALITY 

The woman on the cover is either a prostitute, a Russian bride, or someone with a complicated set of emotions about her father and men in general, and since there’s brothers involved in this sordid tale of anonymous sex, one of them will get possessive, fists will fly, and so will tears.    Santa destroys families with this flashy pimp stuff.  He should know better.

#1

IMPROPERLY STORED MEATS

Forget the fatal toxin factory brewing in that simmering stew bag all night and consider that poor girl’s fate even if the stocking HAD been refrigerated: cardiac-arrest at age twenty-nine, after billowing into a 400 pound emo-goth chick with tattoos she can’t find, all because of a sick, sick enabling Santa on the ONE Christmas it might have mattered.

This delightful Holiday cover wouldn’t be so funny if Little Lotta was bathing in Jack Daniel’s and snorting cocaine off a chained-up leopard’s back, now would it? No, that we call a DISEASE. But THIS we can laugh at?

Shameful.

I have to assume the editor removed her right foot as a horrific reminder of the grim diabetic future she may be facing.

————————————————————————————–

See you tomorrow for SANTA:  MASTER OF THE EDGED WEAPON!

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOW your BONUS Christmas Stocking Cover:

This image is a fascinating collection of what the hell?

Click below to see past Christmas lists and Christmas Toons:

AND it’s a little late to get ’em for your stocking, you can still order SKETCHBOOK by TY for a little post-Christmas goodness. Click below to get the details, and to see some pages;

Happy Christmas 2010. My favorite Santa Cover

The Golden Age of everything is twelve.

I was twelve years old the Christmas that this giant comic book came out, and it is forever enshrined as my favorite Christmas comic book of all time.  It’s not better drawn, or better composed than other covers, but it was in my stocking twenty five years ago, to this day, and I cannot see this lovely illustration by Nick Cardy without being transported to my childhood home, and my childhood sense of joy at the holidays.

It won’t mean the same to you guys, but I present it, nevertheless…happy Kringle to all.

And now some “unseen” Christmas Comic Book moments of zen:

An official DC Christmas card from a few years back.  Bruce Timm drew the Wonder Woman figure, and I did the rest.

And…

My un-used original version for the  DC Christmas Special collection from the year 2000 (or thereabouts, don’t make me remember dates!).  The final cover that was used was slightly different, and this version only used in the advertising.

Ty the Kringle Guy OUT!

Santa Wars III: The Heroes Fight Back

NOTE:  This post isn’t exactly for the little ones.  You’ll see why as it goes along….

For the last two days I’ve shown you murderous Santas bent on destruction and monstrous Santas lurking with dark, inhuman intent.  But today, we’re  turning the tables on this plump symbol of the holiday season, and he’s the one taking some well placed pot-shots to his North Pole for a change – as Art Land presents…

SANTA WARS III:  THE HEROES FIGHT BACK (another Top TEn List!)

#10

What delightfully synchronicity that this issue of Top Ten is the first of a Top Ten list.  One wonders if Mr. Moore is secretly manipulating me with wizard magicks.  ( He can do that, as he’s a licensed warlock in Suffolk-on-Thames-shire, or wherever he’s from. ) What I’m trying to say is that Alan is foreign so he probably doesn’t celebrate Christmas and that’s why he’s the one to get the authorities involved in stopping the spread of Santa before it’s too late.  HANDS up, Kringle and spread ’em.

#9:

Again with the Brits and the Santa-hatred.  It’s one thing to be arrested by the delightful characters from the series Top Ten up above.  There’s an arrest, a booking, a bail hearing, and Santa’s out on bond.  But once Father Christmas goes up against the Judges of Mega-City One, there’s little chance he’ll ever see the grossly polluted light of day again.  Ten years in the iso-cubes and Santa will be chewing his legs off, just to feel something resembling emotion.  And to make it all so, so much worse, after he’s  served his time, after he’s crawled back from the hell that is the penal system of this dystopian future – Dredd will arrest him again – for littering if he has to.  These two covers are only but a sampling of the many times Dredd and Claus have faced each other over the barrel of a gun in their ongoing relationship.  Ho-Ho-Hold it right there, PUNK.

#8

We move up a notch in the actual fighting department.  Here, the Hulk tries to grind the bones of Santa to make his bread.  I love that the cover suggests that Santa is the most requested villain of all, but surprise…!  On the inside, that’s referring to someone else.  I know the Hulk is pretty strong, and normally you’d bet on him…but Hulk only gets stronger the MADDER he gets, and who can stay mad at Santa?  Even a Santa taking swipes at your head with a crowbar…

#7

This seems so innocuous and friendly at first glance:  Superman is innocently trying to push the big fat Kringle-man down a small chimney hole with the power of his god-like fist.  It’s almost adorable, right up until you consider that Superman can punch his way through mountains, or diamond mines, so in about two seconds that gently applied fist is going to explode out the back of Santa’s colon, turning the chimney into a drainage sluice for the elf-man’s innards.  I respect Superman for taking up the battle against St. Nick, but he should tone it down a little before there’s burst intestinal tracts all over the roof.

#6

Speaking of putting brand new holes in people, dig this moment of torture/fetish porn from the good people at DC.  Ah, Tommy the Hitman.  You were a feel-good romp from the first issue onwards (even in your  BLOODLINES debut!) but you rarely reached the heights you reached when you asked Santa to suck your shiny metal pistol.   Never did you seem more like a man.  Making the guy in the red suit cry was a nice added touch.  What a baby.  Won’t suck on a gun.  Pussy Claus, I call him.

#5

Speaking of fetishes…There are some things, once seen, that you cannot un-see, and the  above cover is one of them.  In fairness, this image isn’t about fighting back against Santa…this fight is long over and the spoils of war have begun.  I’d feel guilty about showing you this ultimate moment of Santa’s surrender if he didn’t look so darn okay with the whole thing.  But any way you slice it, a subdued and hogtied Santa, is one we’re all safe from, which makes this woman a hero.

#4

I’m pretty sure that’s blood all over Lobo’s knife, so we’ve moved up from implied maiming to full-out maiming.  Comics got so sophisticated in the 90s that even teenagers started reading them.  This thing sold through the roof, and through the drainpipes, and out the back of the garage when it came out.    Don’t settle back into your comfy chair just yet… the Santa-fighting’s about to get worse.

#3

It seems like another simple “someone’s threatening Santa” cover, but if you’ll look closely to the bottom right, and read the threat Jonah is giving the beloved St. Nick, you’ll notice that Hex has already killed a Santa before this cover began.  Lobo may have stabbed his Santa, but Hex ended the job with a smoking piece of Second Amendment Manhood.   Now we’re talking.

#2

More Second Amendment Solutions!  Let’s pray that the chainsaw can help in the battle if the shotgun proves ineffective.  I’m not sure how well Ash is doing against this zombie Santa, but he’s got the right attitude about his weapons choices.  There’s no way for this fight to go down tidy and you have to embrace it…someone’s losing vital parts and getting sprayed with guts –  it’s WAR damnit.  This is what the WAR ON CHRISTMAS has always been about:  Bloodshed and lethal force.  Only the strong are surviving.

#1

This is where the War on Christmas actually began.  This adorable premise of the child snapping Santa’s leg clean off in an inhumane bear trap ran afoul of the authorities in Boston back in 1954, where the local district attorney asked shopkeepers to voluntarily remove this spin-off (rip-off) of Mad Magazine from newsstands as it was deemed damaging to kids if they read it.  It was never legally banned, but it was morally shunned in record numbers (you can read a little about it HERE).  MAN, that’s cool.   And this was all of twelve weeks before the famous “Seduction of the Innocent”  Kefauver hearings in Congress, that led (in a roundabout way) to the Comics Code Authority.  So even though we fought back against his evil onslaught, Santa was still there to bite the whole industry in the ass.

Tomorrow, we kill Santa dead, and end his mission, once and for all in…

SANTA WARS 4:  He knows when you’ve been sleeping WITH THE FISHES!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Click HERE for WHERE SANTAS DWELL:  TOP 7  MONSTER SANTAS

or Click HERE for WHEN SANTAS ATTACK!  TOP 7 HOMICIDAL SANTAS.

Here now, your comic book Santa moment of zen:

Yup.  The Panic #1 Christmas cover was a stolen idea – one that didn’t seem to have  corrupted any youth when DC ran the original gag 18 years previously.  In fact, no one noticed or even remembered.  Sigh…