CHRISTMAS COMIC COVERS V: Tingle Bells, Chestnuts Roasting, and the Seven Most Inappropriately Sexy Comic Book X-Mas Covers!

The nights get longer, and so do these blog titles.

Work the camera, you hot bitch.

Not For Kids today.  Sorry little ones, head out of the room while the grown ups giggle about boobies and stuff.

And big powerful rockets...

It’s Christmas Eve, and naturally, my mind turns to uncomfortable moments of inappropriate sexuality on Christmas Comic Book Covers.  It’s who I am.  At least, I’ve stopped posting images of Santa Claus’ corpse… for now…

Whereas this sort of thing is making a comeback.

Today, check your innocence at the door, and expect to get it back all covered in carpet hair and something awful, as I present to you…

THE SEVEN MOST INAPPROPRIATELY  NAUGHTY COMIC BOOK CHRISTMAS COVERS

#7

Okay, first:  That’s a sex-face that would make Greg Land proud.  I’ve never seen that expression on a girl in any other Archie Comic, or else I would have been a life-long subscriber.  Second:  There’s just a whole mess of wrong in the way Reggie is posed all dry-humpy like that, and though I know it’s part of the ladder, it might have been best not to have that bit poking up between his legs.  Once you start to see it the wrong way, you’re not so sure about what Moose and Archie are up to either.

#6

The girl in the sexy Santa suit is a staple of the holiday season.  I get that.   But the bra-less come hither look that Sue is flashing the reader while her brother and husband are in the room just creeps me the hell out.  And let’s not ignore Ben’s massive sack or the weird, vein-y shape we’re getting from Reed’s head.  Everything about this image shouts “Think of old nuns and baseball or your very soul is imperiled!”.

#5

For children.  Children of ALL ages.  Give this to your thirteen year old boy, and see if you’ll get him out of his room before New Year’s Eve.   You have to admire the marketing to the youngsters.  It’s like a Joe Camel, only for starter porn.

#4

Who doesn’t love Paul Dini’s JINGLE BELLE?  She’s an adorable little minx who gets into trouble at the North Pole in these adorable little specials that Dini and his pals do every year.   You can ignore the stripper pole image to the left, or the many butt-centric poses she finds herself in, as her stories are usually light-hearted fun that wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, or anything else.  But the big cover above contains what is clearly an image of Santa checking out Belle’s ass, and raising his hand to give it an ol’ rump slap, possibly for stealing those cookies.  This is all fine, until you recall that Jingle Belle is Santa’s teen aged daughter.  Then it all goes straight to hell.   Go wash your eyes.

#3

Why?  Why would Mac Raboy and Fawcett Comics make this cover and force the image of Santa Claus in tights into my brain?  I mean, we can see everything, okay?  Just ew.  It’s bad enough that Santa was riding on Captain Marvel like a pony-boy the previous Christmas, (as seen to the left…imagine the feeling of being perched atop those rock hard buttocks, molded from the flesh of Greek Gods as you fly through the sky, and get back to me…) but does Santa have have to strip down to the spandex leggings when he hangs out with the crippled teenaged boys?  Whertham was right.

#2

By all that is holy, Wonder Woman, run!  Don’t listen to Green Lantern, that honeybee condom isn’t going to help.  Stay true to your Amazon heritage and RUN!!  Okay…I might be seeing smut where it wasn’t intended in this cover (though it’s hard not to see it) but you’ll never convince me the next cover was an accident…

#1

Right?  Right?  That is one damn happy carrot she’s holding onto, and one heck of a pile of snow.  For god’s sake, she’s actually not even wearing pants.  One wonders if Mike Deodato Jr. ever stopped giggling that they actually put this into comic stores.

Tomorrow is Christmas Day, and so I’ll post only lovely, friendly, happy Christmas Covers, I promise.  (I can’t imagine anyone will be online…but just in case).

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOTE:  The Santa countdown has been running all week:

Click HERE for Seven Most Homicidal Santas

Click HERE for Seven Monster Santas

Click HERE for Seven best DEAD Santas

Click HERE for Ten Best Santa vs. Superhero fights

And now your comic book horrible Santa Sexuality moment of zen:

The Ultimate Warrior from the WWE, steals Santa’s pants after…something…happened between them in his Christmas Comic Special.  This is a double page “spread”, and not a cover, or else it would have been #2 on the above list.  The cover itself isn’t that bad….

 

Where Santas Dwell. The Top Seven MONSTER Santas.

This is Italian manga, whatever the hell that is, so it doesn't count as a "real" comic book. Send your angry emails now.

This joyous season, it’s hard enough to get your shopping done, wrap the gifts,  and put the tinsel on the tree, without having to escape the many monstrous incarnations of Santa out there, ready to rend your flesh, feast on your bones and make soup from your eyeballs.  Lord knows, I never pull it off.  It’s why I’m mostly bionic nowadays, having lost much of my original body parts to a zombie Santa years ago.  Still, it’s worth it, just to see the look of horror and shock on the innocent faces of the little children Christmas morning.

Here now…

THE TOP SEVEN MONSTER SANTAS  IN  COMIC BOOKS.

#7

Sure, the Nazis are great traditional monsters, with giant ghostly Nazis doubly so–But it takes that extra bit of pure evil to put on a Santa beard and hat before you go haunting people.  Fascist bastards.  I hope they lose the war…

#6

Santa Claws, get it?  It’s a pun!  And a bloody obvious one, at that, though it’s usually reserved for pictures of kitty cats in red stocking caps.  At least this version of the pun will rip your face off and make it into a sandwich.  That’s an X-Mas “yule” remember.  See?  Puns are fun.

This is, by the way, the first ever published work of Mike Deodato Jr. , and it’s been all downhill ever since.

#5

He knows when you’ve been sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake, which is a pretty frightening thing when you consider it.  And whoever knows fear – BURNS AT THE SANTA-THING’S TOUCH!  AHH!  AHH!  AHHHH!  That will warm up even the coldest winter nights.

#4

Milk and cookies?  MILK AND COOKIES!?!?  I need the blood of virgin children to survive!  Maybe comic books ARE bad for children after all.  Or maybe they’re only for BAD children.  Either way, the comics code is spinning in its grave, which is zombie-like behavior anyway.

Speaking of zombies….

#3

It’s hard to tell, but that looks like a reindeer leg.  If so, this monster Santa is  not so much as zombie, as someone who likes game meat, and who doesn’t? (Well, maybe my vegetarian wife…) Myself,  I’d eat the whole set of reindeer  except Rudolph, as the glowing nose suggests radiation poisoning.   Still, no milk and cookies for this bad boy, either.

#2

The Nightmare Before “The Nightmare Before Christmas”.   The best part of this, by far is that he disguised his face with a plastic mask, but didn’t bother to cover up his rotting meat hands.  I guess Santa wears green gloves anyway, so kids wouldn’t know to run until he got close enough to smell.

#1

Robots aren’t usually considered monsters (unless you count my dishwasher, which is clearly satanic on every level), but Futurama’s Robot Santa works at it enough to qualify.  His annual killing spree was one of the best reasons to love the TV series, and it’s good to see he visits the comic stores with equally vicious abandon at this time of year.   John Goodman hasn’t played a character this evil since King Ralph.

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That’s it for today Christmas shoppers.  Join us back here tomorrow, when the good citizens of the world fight back against this parade of dangerous Kris Kringles in part three of our week long festival of unpleasant Christmas imagery.   The Jolly Fat man goes down hard!

Ty the Guy OUT!

For those who missed it:  Click on the image below for yesterday’s entry: WHEN SANTAS ATTACK!

Click here for more violence for this happy season!

Here now, your Christmas time comic book moment of zen:

Sometimes, Santa fights for OUR side in the great monster war.