Bun Toons Countdown Part III (Blasphemy Edition)! The Glories and Failures of 2010!

Take one part blasphemy  – one part corporate owned super-hero property -and mix well.  You end up with the most popular recurring gag I did this year in Bun Toons.  Super-Heroes vs. the Gods!   Don’t blame me, I was only filling a need.  Coming Soon:  The Mighty Xtapalatakettle vs. Herbie the Fat Fury!

–

–

As of this writing, in the fight between Dr. Hawking and the Spectre, the score is Hawking 1,  Spectre 0.

Expect to see more of these preposterous team-ups as I think of religions I’m okay with making fun of.  Scientology, Wicca, Nascar, etc.   My mother won’t let me do the Wonder Woman vs. Mohammed strip I had planned, and the coward in me agrees.

——————————————————————————————–

Here’s one of my favorites from 2010 toons…but it got overlooked in the ongoing media circus surrounding the Palin daughter on Dancing With the Stars.   For weeks, our blog numbers sagged as we steadfastly refused to weigh in on the Palin “voting”  issue, and the following Bun Toons went unnoticed by the interweb during those trying times.

Besides, it only offends blind people, and they never read my blog.

See you tomorrow with the Bun Toon that brought down the 2nd biggest Science Fiction franchise in history, and I’m NOT talking about Planet of the Apes (which is probably, like…sixth or something).

Ty the Guy OUT!

HERE NOW—your team-up of the gods comic book moment of zen:

Okay, sure we still gasp in awe at this.  Did you ever see the ALT cover that came out from Marvel?

I think they used clip art.  And that tag line is so defensive about the whole project, it’s like you caught Marvel drunkenly groping your sister.

By the way, did you notice that I went the entire blog entry without mentioning that the big Mad Magazine Top 20 Dumbest Things of 2010 issue is in stores NOW?  I never talked about it once.

And I never showed you this cover.

 

THE SEVEN MOST AWFUL TOYS and ACTION FIGURES

The new TOY STORY movie is coming out and if you live in the free world, you’ve been inundated with commercials for the film, the Happy Meal boxes, the collectables, the clothing line, the comics, the books, the cakes, the fork lifts, the feminine hygiene spray and the video games.  As Bill Maher said last week “we’ve been promised so much, this movie better give me a real buzz and a real woody”.

We all love toys, because we’re all kids inside, especially the unrepentant kids out there who love comics.  (That gang is not-growing-up with an aggression that borders on psychosis.)  But we don’t love all toys, because all toys don’t deserve it.  Some toys are just so bizarre, so wrong-headed, so unholy that Winslow Schott wouldn’t play with them drunk.   If these toys came to life, we would run screaming from the room, looking for a gun.

These are…

THE SEVEN MOST AWFUL TOYS

and ACTION FIGURES in history!

#7-SPIDER-MAN TOILET LAND

Please, look away for god's sake.

Tingle, Spidey-Sense, TINGLE!

I know Peter Parker has a shitty life and he sometimes gets all pissy about the way that fate treats him, but who thought that translated out to a toy line?  Well, we’re living in an age in which all our urination and bowel evacuation needs can be taken care of in a soft, nurturing, Spider-Man environment.  Cradle your family jewels in Spider-Man’s mask to the left, until it’s time to take them out to get them off to work.  Now with a choice of Spider-Man toilets to aim for (below), you can admire your “Spider-Man on the Toilet” action figure (above) as inspiration and instruction.

Those EYES! Staring into my soul...or something.

It's not an industrialized nation until you have many Spider-man toilet seats to choose from.

And when you’re done, Spider-Man toilet paper will bring you back to Aunt May, nice and clean.

Now, with wall crawling freshness!

There’s no versions of these toilet/pooping toys for Spawn or Ghost Rider (two characters easily crappy enough to warrant them), so it must be something they think ONLY Spider-Man fans might want.
Spidey fans, are you going to take that?

#6- HULK SHOWER HEAD

When you’re in the shower head business, you should figure out early you cannot license a super-hero character for your product.  There’s simply nowhere for the water to come out of a human shaped  shower-head that isn’t disgusting.  Any stream of anything exiting from below the belt is right out for most consumers (except for the Belgians who delight in that sort of thing)

This is in Belgium, and it's art. So back off, provincial fools.

Which leaves you with a choice of a shower head that either cries, sneezes or spits-up its contents onto you while you bathe.

Or shouts it at you, in a bout of soul-heaving retches.

And when it comes to the Hulk, a steady supply of steamy water-vomit is just what I’m looking for in a hygiene product for my bathroom.  “Hulk Smash!”?  I don’t think so.  I say “Hulk, relax away my troubles!”

#5-BATMAN SQUIRT GUN

Gaze upon its beauty and wonder.

Another in the theme of water streaming from the mouths of super-heroes.  I love this toy, and own TWO, and one of that pair will be one of the five things I’m being buried with.  (Read my will for the other four, you vultures).

Help me, I've squirted, and I can't get up!

WHY IT’S GLORIOUS:  When you “pull the trigger” (which we all noticed is where Batman’s penis would be) liquid squirts jauntily out his mouth at an alarming pounds per square inch pressure.  That’s a lesson to confuse the youngins, for in real life, that’s not going to happen, unless you sack-punch someone who’s chugging beer.  And even then, the likely result is more of a gush than a tightly directed stream….and then, of course, more sack-punching, all around.

Touch me, and you risk me fisks.

Either way, I can never “pull the trigger” with my Batman Squirter, for “Wertham based” reasons, so it rests on a shelf with my My Popeye Squirter, and my Donald Duck Squirter.  I know sailors don’t shoot high pressure liquid from their mouths when you pull THEIR triggers, but I cannot speak with authority about ducks.  I’ve never sack-punched a water fowl, and continue to be proud of that.

#4- PUNISHER “SHAPE SHIFTER” GUN

Obviously someone at TOY BIZ, saw the Batman/Popeye/Donald duck dick squirter guns and said “We must top that.”.

And they did.

Don't judge me, I lost my wife and kids to mobsters.

We’re so far past simple “pulling the trigger” dick jokes and well into Rocket Phallus, spread legged anal probe territory that I have to assume this entire thing was a cry for help from a toy designer deep “in the bowels” of the Toy Biz/Marvel/Legions of Satan organization.

It's the film strip of torture photos up the side of the box that makes it sing!

It’s not just that you can pose this figure in remarkably impolite ways all through the transformation process that makes this clearly-not-well-focus-tested product, such a delight–It’s that the FINAL transformation may well be the most impolite thing ever done to a human doll since voodoo was invented.

But before we get to that grand funk finale, check out the awkwardly posed figure, second from the top on that set of blackmail photos running down the side, where Frank Castle is first introduced to “harsh interrogation methods”.   By the time it’s all over, in final stage #5, he’s been left in “stress positions” all night, and this is one toy ready to tell you whatever you want to hear, or take you dancing.

I hope it’s a squirter pistol, ’cause this whole thing is giving me a “water board”, if you know what I mean.

Ah, that's better. I've worked out all the kinks. Now, you had questions for me, my captors?

What self respecting child would ever hold this “gun” in his hands except to show the therapist where the inappropriate touching happened?

#3- WEEPING PADME PREGGO TOY

Take me home! Play with me! I promise I'll stop crying.

If there’s one thing a kid wants from an action figure it’s ACTION!  And nothing says ACTION like a weeping pregnant lady all swollen up and ready to drop her puppies.  If you’ve ever had a little sister or brother arrive in your life, kids, then you know the excitement THIS action mom is in for, over six months of sleeplessness, bloating, crankiness, and cracked nipples.    Add to that level of thrill, collectors delight that this toy ties into one of the three best prequels in the Star Wars saga.

BONUS ACTION POINTS:  The doll inside the package has clearly become so depressed that she’s cut off all her hair in a deranged moment of self destruction.  Now with Post Partum Depression grip!

#2- DONALD DUCK VIBRATING RIDE

The people that work at Disney have a frustrating existence, I know.  The work long hours for meager pay, they’re not allowed to grow facial hair, and they have all those lectures about the “Articles of Zion” to attend every Wednesday lunch.    And that explains the occasional dildo on the Little Mermaid Video Box:

Yup it's real. Get your own copy out and stare at it.

or the odd Tigger assault on the children,

That's it, boy. You f***ed with the wrong Tigger.

but I have no explanation for this:

I'm speechless. What caption could I write to equal this image?

How did it get built?  What designer approved it?  Where can I find one?

Sure, it vibrates like a bucking bronco, and it’s our job to feed it the quarters while our daughter hangs on, but does Donald have to be LOOKING at her like that when she rides?  And if you’re going to teach youngsters how to “Cowgirl”, for god’s sake instruct them on where to put their hands.  It’s never holding onto the hat.

#1- WONDER WOMAN ACTION SCISSORS

Working your Wonder Woman, step one.

Ah, Princess Diana’s oddest collectable, and another of my prized collection.  The best you can say about it that at least she’s not tied up.  It’s still impossible to ignore the underlying message of this toy.  To make it work, you must pry Wonder Woman’s thighs apart and quickly thrust them back together again, OVER AND OVER.  And what does it do while this is happening?  IT CUTS THINGS OFF!

Working your Wonder Woman, step two. SPREAD them THIGHS!

If there was any justice in the world, this is the weapon that street women carry in their boot to fight off evil johns who don’t pay up.  Like a St. Christopher sculpture is used for the dashboard of your car.  But I think these are safety scissors, so you couldn’t cut up your pimp with them at all.  Darn it.

IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING WHERE THESE TOYS ARE:

I try to check my sources and facts at Art Land and discovered that the following toys turned out to be hoaxes.  As popular as they are on the inter-web, they do not exist in real life.

This was faked up by the Onion. Oh, those guys and their gay nozzle inflation jokes!

—

I've seen this in a few places. Not real. But we can always dream...

–

I'm not sure if this is real, but I'm sure the girl is really annoyed at Hulk for flashing the gamma ray like that.

There are many other action figure and toy hoaxes, and to be honest, I’m slightly dubious of the Weepin’ Padme,  but the following toy is real, you can look it up yourself.

It’s the Britney Spears action figure, complete with car seat and lack of moral center.  From HEROBUILDERS. com.

I put the black box there. This is still a FAMILY blog, goddamnit!

I think I’m going to nominate Britney as our honorary #9th most awful toy, but under no circumstances will I ever use the phrase “MINT IN BOX” to describe it.

That’s it for today.  Join us tomorrow when SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS will give away another hilarious webcomic for your freeloading enjoyment.  Until then, may you lick all your American made toys in a lead free environment and have a good afternoon.

Ty the Guy OUT!

To share post:

Extremely Unseen Marvel Punisher, more Slightly Seen DC and HOVERBOY FRIDAY! plus the big announcement! AND Nepotism Thursday. How long is this $)(*#$)(*##!! Title?!?

As promised, we look at some very unseen Marvel art from the same period.  The image above is from a very fun project I did with my pal SAM AGRO in the 90s.  The comic was “THE PUMMELER“, a parody of one of Marvel’s more popular characters, for a company called PARODY PRESS (best known for Adolescent Hamsters…) but Sam had a ball writing up a tremendous trio of very funny “Mad” style stories.  Worth finding in the back issues, if you can.  The cover to the left was by Sam Keith, who pitched in to help Agro get an audience.   If you follow the Pummeler link above, you’ll see the interior pages!  Sam is a well known storyboard artist who has helped the world be sickened and thrilled by the HUGELY successful SAW series of movies — been part of an academy award winning art team for FLY AWAY HOME–and he boarded tons of episodes of EWOKS and DROIDS in his day.  All that PLUS a loverly run writing great scripts for DC’s Looney Tunes comic book for years.  Is the name LEGEND appropriate?  Considering he’s one of the instructors at the highly esteemed TORONTO CARTOONIST WORKSHOP that I instruct at, I’ll have to say “yes”, LEGEND is the word.) Man, can I plug the pals and co-workers, or WHAT?!?

Watch this segue.   We’re staying with the silly images of the Punisher theme, and moving over to another living legend, Dana Moreshead.  Who is clearly not the name on the card above.  How confused am I?

There, that’s Dana.  And his odd looking pet, the name escapes me, and I don’t want to say Skipper when it was Sparky, or Spanky or Elliot Spitzer, but it was something like that.  I drew that portrait of Dana at least a decade ago, but I’m sure at least ONE of those furry creatures is still cute.  Dana was the Marvel guy who gave me all these wonderfully odd gigs that I’ve been posting for the last two weeks, and he deserves his humble thank you on this blog for the fun, fun art jobs he tossed me atop of.  And hopefully the smile or two he’s bringing the eleven readers of this post as I dig through the original art pile over in the corner and scan baby scan.

So what was that Punisher toy with the human head on it?  And who’s this poor soul with the dragon crapping on his hair?  These were a series of cards that were created for the Marvel staff one summer for convention season.  That way, when they met people, they had a card with some ‘zaz and zing and pep!  And their image on it, so names and faces could match up for business deals, etc.  A good idea, actually.  The gag was to make everyone into their own version of a Marvel Hero.  I did at least four of them (that I’ve found so far).  The funny thing, most of these staffers are NOT a Marvel Character, but a toy version of one, or standing near one.  I’m not sure that conveyed the joke.

I still have tons more fun stuff from the Dana era of Special Projects.  He is still one of my favorite people, even if he no longer gets me work.

Another installment of the AOL Flood Safety messages from 2006.  Sketch and final art.  The only time I ever drew Supergirl for the animated universe, unless you count the toy designs.  Aquaman I’ve drawn lots and lots, he’s featured in the Brave and Bold issue I drew in 2009, but has yet to come out.

But here’s Aquaman warning a man about having adequate storm drains, and not living under a f***ing wall of mud.  That’s so dumb he really deserves to die.

Hoverboy.com is back up and running!  Marcus Moore, fellow curator, and webmaster of the site, was found,  alive and well, after months lost in the barrens with his experimental jet co-pilot, Jarred.    As of this posting, the fate of his experimental jet c0-pilot, Jarred,  has not been revealed, though it can be noted that that Moore seems to have put on weight during his ordeal.  “Plenty of possum in those woods.” is the only response a visibly shaken Moore has given to reporters when asked about his friend, experimental jet co-pilot, Jarred.  We wish he and his family good luck in the future, and keep on looking for that poor kid.

The good news is that Hoverboy.com is once again operational, with a NEW installment of the weekly comic strip reprints.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the poor lad to hover away from those clouds, these last few months.  Hovermaniacs the world around, breathe out a sigh of relief.  Go check out the installments we’ve found so far, for this excellent example of heroism and manhood of the golden age!

And now for the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.  (yeah, like you’re still reading after so long and drawn out a post today…).  Starting NEXT weekend, and every weekend after that, I’ll be posting Ty Templeton Funnies!  Never before seen  material, created to be seen in web form.  Wait…does that make this blog a…

WEBCOMIC?!?!?    Tune in NEXT WEEKEND and see….

Ty the Guy.

share: