Tag Archives: Ty Templeton

New Comics Day

So, it’s Wednesday…didja get your copy of Marvel Comics, Age of Heroes #1? Kurt Busiek, Dan Slott, Leonard Kirk–just to name a few…oh, yeah, and some guy named Ty Templeton drew a Dan Slott-written one-pager. If you don’t have it in your hands now, run, run, RUN! to your nearest comic store and get one NOW!

Why are you still here? RUN, damn it!

Keiren

It’s HOVERBOY week! And no one can stop me!

We’re promoting Hoverboy awareness all week at Art Land, running a contest and informing the world of the greatness that was the Battlin’ Bucket, in anticipation of the release of the HOVERBOY RADIO SERIES we just found a complete set of, and yes, this is an unforgivable run-on sentence, what are you going to do about it, punk?

May-1918 • Hoverboy co-creator Charles Nutt’s father, Peter Nutt, is horribly wounded during the Battle Of Cantigny, the first major US offensive of the

Pvt. Peter Nutt, pictured before the battle. Trousers not shown.

First World War.  The elder Nutt had tried to stay out of the war; claiming heart attacks, blindness, medical cowardice, “secret negroism” and leprosy, none of which earned him the deferment he desired.   Peter spent the fall of 1917,  training with the 28th Infantry of America’s 1st Army Division, and staining a record one hundred and eleven pairs of government issued trousers with what officials described as “terror”.  In battle, Private 1st Class Nutt frequently could be found  with a bucket on his head, (over his helmet and gas mask), because, according to his diaries,  “…ya can’t be too careful, right?”.  And on the fateful day of May 27th, that’s how Private Nutt went over the top, charging towards the Hun blindly, and “screaming like a tiny Chinese woman” (also according to his diary).  When he was hit simultaneously by two artillery shells, it blew off both legs, both arms and almost all of his internal organs, leaving only his head, heart, lungs and genitalia unharmed.  This event was the source of the famous expression “a real bucket case” used in army hospitals to this day.  For years after the war, Nutt toured the Midwest Freak Circuit as “the Amazing Head”, where he met a young Cynthia Göring, and fell in love.  That marriage produced three children, including Charles and his twin sisters, Emily and Emily.

The Starks meet for the first time while the Circus tours Missouri. Cynthia is to the left. Peter is wearing his "performin' suit".

In 1929, the family opened the Nutt Hardware Store in North Bend Missouri, where a young Bob Stark was sent to purchase “something to hold some water” and the rest is history.

The moment of Nutt's debilitating injury was captured in the famous image by photographer Dan Williams, entitled "Our Honored Exploded".

1964 • First (and last) issue of HOVERBOY’S FOOD FUN MAGAZINE hits newsstands.  For collectors who own this hard to find item, answer to page seven’s “Vegetable Tumble” is RUTABAGA.

Caution: Do NOT attempt any of the recipes contained within.

1990 • Hoverboy Anime show “Lucky Hovering Float Boy American” airs in Japan.  Though partly financed by the Nutt estate, the show is never brought to US airwaves because the staccato animation style used during fight scenes caused seizures in forty-seven thousand Japanese children.  Though none of the children died, over nine thousand parents were killed trying to restrain them.

Sailor Hover-Girlaru. The only image from the series allowed to be shown in the USA by law.

Tune in tomorrow for a special HOVERBOY TOYS report.

And don’t forget:  THE HOVERBOY CONTEST!  Win an original piece of Hoverboy artwork by Ty Templeton just by joining the Hoverboy Facebook page, and naming your favorite villain from Vigilance Comics’ decades long history of publishing.  A winner (drawn by lottery by Hoverboy actress Sarah Samms) will receive an ASTOUNDINGLY accurate reproduction of the winning cover, with such line-by-line fidelity that you’d swear it was the original cover!  Be the envy of your friends.  Push around people smaller than you, and berate those with foreign accents, just like a real life citizen of Arizona!  Remember, few will enter, even fewer will win.  Void where prohibited.  Your mileage may vary.

GO here

for the Hoverboy Facebook Fan Page.  And HERE for the Hoverboy home site.

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Saturday Morning Cartoons! Free Webcomics!

How does it get to be Saturday earlier every week?  I suspect the Mayans are involved, they’ve been messing with the calendars for centuries.

Well, here you go,  you hungry webcomic consumers, once again, it’s time for….

When last we saw STAVROS and LANA, they were stuck in a dungeon, awaiting execution…OR WORSE!!

For more ROUND-UP adventures, click the navi-button up top, or go here.

Now– the FIRST of these webcomics…uploaded about six months ago, before I had any idea how to do a blog, and I think only eleven people originally read it.  So I’m adding it again, now that we have a thirty-nine regular readers.  For those who read it before — I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience.  Oh wait, this is a free webcomic.  What do I care about your feelings?

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Wow.  It seems so long ago that I first posted that–a crazy world where Obama had only been president for a little under a year, and American Idol was still in auditions, instead of in elimination rounds.  Such a happier, more innocent time…

See you next week, with MUCH more blogging than lately.  (I’ve been doing that “work” thing lately, and “paying the bills” and stuff. That’s getting caught up, so I can come back here and play more!)  And if you missed the strangest thing that happened to me in a decade, (where I discover my father is Satan, and once drove the moon out of orbit…) scroll down, or click here.

TY THE GUY

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Hoverboy Friday! On a FRIDAY!

It’s been a couple of weeks since Hoverboy Friday came near a Friday, and this is a good one, Bucket Brethren and Sistren.

The big news is that a retired animator/producer for Vigilance Pictures by the name of Santos McMillan has contacted me with a mountain of new Hoverboy video material to put on the Hoverboy website.  This includes a full episode from the HOVERBOY TO THE MOON series from 1961, part of an episode from the never aired Heroteam series from 1976, and a WHOLE SEASON’S worth of episodes from Hoverboy’s 80s epic kid’s series: GOD FEARING PUPPET TOWN!   I’ll try to get the videos up on youtube later this week, and link to them, but for now I can show off some of the stills and jpgs he sent along with the package.

First up, this is one of the few surviving style sheets from the aborted 70s show “HEROTEAM”, only featuring Hoverboy this time.  Santos had promised me the style sheets for SLAPMAN, DANNY BANNON: THE PANTSLESS DETECTIVEGOLDEN PLUMB and FEMININJA….he says he can’t find them yet, but not to give up hope.

For the life of me, I don’t know what M.R.M. means in the info box.  Any animators out there who can fill me in?

Hero Team, as Hoverboy fans should recall, was the series intended for CBS’s SATURDAY FUN ZONE in 1976, but was canceled when a highly inebriated Bob Stark threw up a meal of chili and vodka all over the desk of CBS producer Yasha Ezrin.  “I was willing to work with Stark,” Ezrin recalled in a VARIETY interview of that year, “But his constant drunkeness caused friction at meetings.  He would shout ‘NIXON WAS A SAINT!’ at odd times, or beg my daughter to remove her top.  That sort of thing.  It wasn’t a problem for me, really, but my custodial staff refused to clean up after him, and they went on strike.  I have limits to what I’ll put with in this business we call show, but a desk covered in chili and vodka that went uncleaned for eight days was the end of my rope.  It’s too bad, too, as hundreds of talented people had put in months of work to make it happen.”

Forgive the quality, this is a screen grab from an old video tape.

I’ve tried to clean up these images from the video I was sent, but don’t really work with video filters as much as I should, so I’m flying blind.

These are screen grabs from HOVERBOY TO THE MOON, the six episode cartoon series produced in 1961 in the SYNCRO-VOX technique first popularized by CLUTCH CARGO.  Basically, that meant that instead of animated lips, actors would supply the lip movement that went with the dialog.  There were meant to be more than the six episodes, but CAMBRIA PRODUCTIONS (the owners of Clutch Cargo) sued Vigilance for using their technique.

These are supposed to be my lips? They don't look right!

Now, obviously, you can’t own a technique of making cartoons, but Nolan Bridge, producer at Vigilance at the time, didn’t know that, and took his series off the air, rather than face yet another lawsuit.  (Vigilance was still paying off the damages on 18 wrongful death claims from the infamous “Day the Cartoonists Died” incident wherein weaponized anthrax toxins were accidentally mixed with the printing ink on paychecks sent out to Vigilance cartooning staff the year before. )

The syncro-vox idea was originally suggested because Hoverboy had no lips, and everyone figured it was a no brainer to animate him.  But the scripts for the first six episodes (which centered around supplying blankets covered in weaponized anthrax toxin to the moon men to get them off “AMERICA’S PLANET’) featured so many lines for the  moon men, and of course, Jimmy and Gleep the Monkey, that the cost cutting measure didn’t work, and folding when the lawsuit showed up was probably more of a blessing than a problem.

Sure, HE has no lips, but there are fifty-eight distinct characters in the story who do.

I don’t have any screengrabs of GOD FEARING PUPPET TOWN beyond this often seen promotional still, but it’s only a matter of me learning how to upload and embed this stuff before you’ll be watching the whole season.

Hey boys and girls.  Sesame Street is for COMMIES!  Pass it on.

Hey boys and girls. Sesame Street is filled with Commies. Pass it on.

God Fearing Puppet Town was a short-lived spin off of Sesame Street that aired only in Arizona and Utah during the early eighties.  The series was created as a response to what the producers called “an emphasis on colored people and socialist values” on Sesame Street, that simply didn’t sit well with viewers in Arizona and Utah.   The 22 fifteen minute episodes followed Hoverboy as he tried to understand bible verses and the prophecies of revelations, and how it all related to modern life in Utah.  Though it was a big hit for the year it was on the air, it was finally removed by the FCC who cited “clear elements of race baiting, religious intolerance, and puppet nudity” in almost all the episodes.  The story of Sodom and Gomorrah was returned to in almost every episode, and constantly referred to as “Hoverboy’s favorite part of the bible.”

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HOVERBOY COMIC STRIPS

For those who have been following the Hoverboy reprints of NAZI ROBOTS OF FUTURE PAST, here are the latest episodes…

That’s it for today.  Scroll down for the KICK ASS CREATORS article all you kids are looking for.  And don’t forget:  Tomorrow is free webcomics, featuring the THIRD chapter of the ever-exciting LAST ROUNDUP ON THE SINISTER SPACECRAFT OF FORBIDDEN LOVE!

Ty the Guy

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PS:  I almost forgot.  The best issue of Bongo’s SIMPSONS comics to hit the stands in nearly four weeks is finally out!  And as a special bonus, there’s a possible chance of winning eleven million dollars if you buy the issue and find a special lottery ticket inside.

How can one comic be so funny?

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The Top Seven Comics Creators who can KICK YOUR ASS

Oooh...tough guys!

Last week saw the release of KICK-ASS a promising Comic Book Movie with a tepid box office on opening weekend.  Industry types were somewhat surprised, as the title and premise suggested a bigger response, but those of us in the know expected it.  You can’t fake KICK-ASS, it has to be in your blood, your pores and in your gonads, my friends, or the audience knows.

As much as I admire the work of Mark Millar and John Romita Jr, the creators of this epic story, I simply cannot in good conscious call them KICK-ASS examples of the male species.  While Millar is British, and therefore has soccer hooliganism in his DNA, Mr. Romita is an average-sized man, with straight teeth and no criminal record to speak of.   I’d feel fairly confident facing either of them in a bar fight, and I’m willing to go in sober and unarmed.

But the world of comics DOES include some of the most stunningly macho examples of man-flesh in the history of the visual arts, and you should know about them, if only to avoid their supremely terrifying gaze if they appear at conventions.

Be afraid fanboys, of—

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THE TOP SEVEN COMIC CREATORS WHO COULD LITERALLY KICK YOUR ASS.

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#7

Ken Lashley

No, he's not standing on a box. Everyone else is just that small.

Currently illustrating The Flash.

You know that scene in Jurassic Park where the water is jiggling in the cups, so you know there’s a giant dinosaur coming?  That’s based on Ken Lashley.

Ken is the largest human in the comic industry, if not in western civilization.  At seven foot nine, eight hundred and sixty pounds (and none of it fat), the only reason he doesn’t play professional football is that “it wouldn’t be fair to the other players”.  I’m big, but whenever I’m in a room with Ken, he makes me feel like a skinny schoolgirl in knee high socks, with a Hello Kitty backpack.  Seriously.

He happens to be a pleasant, quiet, somewhat reserved individual, however, which is a disappointment to lovers of ass-kicking manly misbehavior the world over.  I never thought it was part of Ken’s character to be aggressive — until I saw his cover for Excalibur #73

This is the single most testosterone-fueled drawing I’ve ever seen.  It’s an existential scream of pure maleness rarely witnessed outside of Heavy Metal Gay Snuff-porn.  This image of a blue-balled demon radiating nuclear energy from his dick while magnetically attracting the red lady, makes anyone viewing it more manly by 25% — including any girls.  And AFTER seeing this illustration, if any of you go out and kick someone’s ass, Ken Lashley officially gets the assist.

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#6

Charles Moulton (aka Dr. William Moulton Marston).

We had no idea what this man was up to...

This Y-chromosome-soaked head-shrinker helped create three amazing

The good doctor knew that real men liked this sort of thing. And real women.

legacies for himself in the 20th Century.  One was the polygraph machine (the Lie Detector) which has done more to fight crime than a squad room full of cops on a lifetime steroid binge–another was the fictional queen of lesbo bondage adventure, Wonder Woman.

But Dr. Will got his high testosterone scores in a much more impressive way.   He was in an openly poly-amorous relationship with two ladies his entire life–  had kids with both women– and the one he WASN’T legally married to, was the one he based Wonder Woman on.  Anyone who could keep TWO sexy bisexual fetish-doms happy for a lifetime of tied-up joy had to be producing twice the man-sauce you and I were issued at birth and could easily pound our weak asses into the sand without breaking a sweat.   Trust me.

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#5

Jim Steranko

This Nick Fury artist had a comic career that was finished and done forty-five years ago — it lasted for maybe four months — and he’s STILL considered one of the most influential artists who ever worked.  The balls it takes to be THAT good at something and walk away from it is impressive enough, but it’s par for the course for the Most Interesting Man in Comics.  Let’s take a look at a recent photo of this senior citizen to give you a sense of his essence.

"Last week I punched that Dos Equus guy in the face, just to win a five dollar bet."

Steranko was born tough. Instead of spending his youth PLAYING Grand Theft Auto on his mommy’s couch with his brother’s game system, Teen-Steranko stole actual cars, and occasionally got arrested for it.  That experience in the lock-up inspired him to become a circus escape artist, where laughing at thick, manly chains is in the job description.

But even this wasn’t enough for Jim (Grand Cojones) Steranko, who permanently moved into the he-man badass club-for-life when he became a professional sword swallower and FIRE-EATER.

You read that right, bitches. I can literally breathe fire.

Now you know why Steranko could write the adventures of spy-stud Nick Fury with such authority, and why he insisted on calling Nick the “ramrod” of SHIELD.

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#4

Jack (King) Kirby

Who, but an authentic tough guy, could rock this plaid dinner jacket?

We all know that Kirby was THE hardest working man in the history of comics who could write and draw an entire comic book in five days, and it would STILL be better than the one that took you three months.    But besides being an authentic artistic genius, Jolly Jack was an authentic war hero of epic proportion.

MANLY MOMENT #1: When he found out he was going to be drafted, Kirby didn’t go get drunk and beg the local girls for a “shipping-out-tomorrow” roll in the hay…instead he WORKED TWICE AS MANY HOURS PER DAY to double his already astounding output, and stockpile enough pages to continuing publishing his titles without missing an issue while he personally punched out the Nazi war machine.

MANLY MOMENT #2: While sleeping in an infantry foxhole in the winter of ’44 Kirby got frostbite, and was shipped to a hospital where a doctor wanted to take his legs.  Jack said no, and just to show off, he forced the circulation back into his limbs by power of his own male  will.

MANLY MOMENT #3: When a commanding officer discovered Kirby could draw, he started sending Jack out ALONE at night to sketch the terrain and draw maps of enemy territory.   Kirby went behind enemy lines armed with a pencil and paper.  Eat that, pussies.

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#3

Mike Grell

Nothing manly to see here. Move along.

“Iron” Mike has so much more going for him than being the creator of THE WARLORD (who is that half-naked dude with a giant helmet and a big broadsword who ISN’T Conan).  To begin with, anyone who’s named after a foundry metal without a trace of irony is already tougher than anyone you’ve ever met.

But Grell gets his he-man cred the old fashioned way. He’s the Ted Nugent of comics — a big game hunter who delights in personally killing and eating the larger creatures of our world, often with no more than an arrow, a knife and his own teeth.  Though I don’t share his love of blood sports, I do share his carnivorous taste buds, and while having lunch with him at a convention a while ago, I brought it up.  He told me that he refuses to eat any creature unless he’s already killed at least one of their species.  “I’ve cut the throats of chickens, ducks, geese…I’ve butchered my own cow.  I feel I owe it to the meals I eat,” he said to me, with an expression I refuse to describe as “Lecter-like”.  I can’t argue with the logic, but I told him it meant he could never enjoy a crocodile steak or shark-fin soup — two meals I have tasted in my travels.  His response, I swear to god:  “I haven’t eaten shark fin soup….yet.”

If this thing in front of me was alive, I'd have eaten it by now.

Brrrr.

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#2

Bill Mauldin

As the creator of the extremely popular WWII comic series, “Willie and Joe”, Bill Mauldin was the first, last and only cartoonist whose job required him TO BE SHOT AT TO MEET DEADLINES.

Bill Mauldin: He don't look like much, do he?

While with the 45th Infantry, Bill was part of the invasion of Sicily, sketching cartoons about frontline life for “The 45th Division News”, in between dodging live rounds.   These cartoons became popular enough that Bill was transferred to Stars and Stripes for the duration and told to produce the adventures of Willie and Joe as a matter of vital national need.   Any man with a normal set of testes would have hopped a jeep for the rear and started sharpening pencils, gleeful to be out of danger, but not Bill.  Instead he asked for his own jeep, and spent the rest of the war DRIVING AROUND THE FRONT LINES looking for ideas.  And just to prove he wasn’t kidding around, in September of 1943, he had his drawing shoulder ripped apart by a German mortar while visiting a machine gun crew near Monte Cassino.  True to his granite-testicled manner, Bill used it as an opportunity to do a few cartoons about life in an army hospital and kept right on going.

MIND-BOGGLING MAN POINTS: General George Patton once threatened to court martial Mauldin for gross insubordination, but the cartoonist was rescued from discipline by none other than Supreme Allied Commander and future President, Dwight Eisenhower, who told Patton that Mauldin’s characters were essential for troop morale and to “leave him alone”.   Next time you get in trouble, wait and see if the MOST POWERFUL MAN ON THE PLANET shows up to have your back…

I'm not afraid of Nazis, but Bill Mauldin scared me yellow.

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#1

Larry Hama

Don't sneak up on this guy if you value your life.

Whatever those Nancies at Hasbro might think about inventing the famous American action figure with the Kung Fu grip, Larry Hama created GI Joe for a generation of fans, and knows more about macho conflict-fiction than anyone alive.  And lest you think his world of big guns and phallic-named characters was only the product of Larry’s wimpy imagination, you should know this:   Hama is an eighth-degree black belt in five different martial arts.  I don’t know what that eighth-degree means, because every time I ask about it, someone kicks my ass, but I figure being ANY black belt qualifies Larry to obliterate me with one hand.

And just in case Larry has to kill you from a distance, he’s a qualified marksman and weapons expert from his time in Viet Nam serving in the Army Corps of Engineers during the war.

And if that list of impressive man points hasn’t dropped you to your knees in supplication–Hama’s specialty in the Corps?

Demolition and explosives.

Fiery explosions and certain death. Larry Hama must be nearby.

So naturally, the single most goddamned dangerous man in the history of our medium ended up the editor of Wonder Woman comics.

He owed it to Dr. Moulton.

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That’s it for today.  My delicate, lily white ass cannot stand sitting for so long.  I have to lie down.

Ty the Guy

click here for more of Ty’s Top Seven lists

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SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS

Holy COW!  Is it Saturday already?  Where does the week go?

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The excitement continues,  deep in space, and deep in love…

Click on the page to make it larger.

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That’s it for today.  Scroll down for ALL  NUDE SUPER-HEROES, because we all know that’s what you’re here for.

Ty the Guy.

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The Ten Greatest All-Nude Fight Scenes in Comics

The all-nude fight scene has been a staple of literature since Eve asked Adam to bite into the fruit of knowledge and Adam said, “Make me.”

This can't be legal. And it better not be in a museum somewhere.

And why not?  We like nudity, AND we like fighting.

Back in the really old days, when the Youtube was called “actual Roman gladiators”, naked fighting was literally the “bread” in “bread and circuses“.  The circus part involved lions, but that’s another story.  What matters is that a snarling knock-down, drag-out is better when the delicate goodies are in play, and never more so, then when super-powers are involved.

And so, to continue my scholarly series about the prurient world of comic book decadence (following the highly educational “LOIS LANE: BONDAGE QUEEN” and “Comic Book Easter Zombie Parade” posts), and bring to you…

THE TOP TEN NAKED SUPER-HERO FIGHTS IN COMICS.

But before the festival of naughty bits, three quick ground rules:

RULE #1:
No Adult Comics. No taking the piss out of WARRIOR NUN, DANGER GIRL, VAMPIRELLA, or

Russ Heath's forgotten masterpiece.

ANYTHING HOWARD CHAYKIN HAS WRITTEN as that’s low hanging fruit, and I don’t pick, grab, fondle or tug at so easy a target.    Sadly, it means no COWGIRLS AT WAR, but we’re sticking to mainstream super-heroes—and do I mean STICKING!

RULE #2:
Only one nudie shot per customer.  WOLVERINE, for example, can pop it out of his pants as often as he pops them out of his knuckles… if we don’t impose the limit, the whole list becomes about Logan’s dangly-bits.

RULE #3:
The appearance of nudity isn’t good enough.  The character must have actual genitalia.  Sorry Howard the Duck and Silver Surfer.

As sexy as this super-hot cover seems to be, I consider it cheating if there’s no possibility of balls.

And now, without further ado, or further use of the phrase “dangly-bits”…

#10
AVENGERS ILLUMINATI #1

As a millionaire playa, Tony Stark was always willing to slip out of the Armani suit for the hunnies, and as a drunken gutter dweller, he was willing to step out of the Iron Man suit and give it to his pal Rhodey.  The suit, I mean.   Clearly Tony is very willing to drop trou, and that’s why he’s so calm, cool and TEACHING SCHOOL in this nude-fight classic.  With nothing but his “little Iron Man” to help him, and a few well remembered “training sessions” with Steve Rogers, Tony Stark smoothly kicks butt while his own is dancing in the breeze.

This is why they call him "Shell-Head".

IN TONY’S FAVOR:  Skrulls are not human, so it’s like being naked in front of your cat.  The things I do naked in front of my cats would get me arrested if I was doing them in front of say, the neighbors, tied up in my shower–

#9
The Watchmen.  Issue 12

Flee, enemies of democracy! The American Superman can stay clothed for only SO LONG...

The Watchmen is the greatest super-hero comic book of all time so it has to be on all lists that include the words “greatest” and “super-hero”.  Lucky for us, the naked fight scene between Rorschach and Doc Manhattan in Issue 12 is a keeper!  And it follows memorable  naked quantum physics scenes and naked menage a doppelganger scenes that changed my dating ambitions forever.

The socio-political implications of Alan Moore’s narrative and the intricate mechanism of this novel have been discussed endlessly by greater critics than I, so I’ll just leave you with two thoughts:

1)  It’s bad enough being killed by a friend, but killed by one waving his little blue weenie at you is insulting.
2)   Rorschach said was naked without his mask on, so he’s joining Doctor Manhattan’s free spirit–dying with his nose and lips exposed.

No matter what else, this is a dick move. Oh, and I've ruined the ending of the novel for you. Which is a dick move on my part.

#8
HOVERBOY #91
Hoverboy vs. Doc Natural.

With all the tags that say "nude Super-hero" this cover is going to get a lot of web hits.

If ever there was a reason to avoid calling him “The Bucket Headed Super-Hero” this issue is it.  After being hit with “fiber melting herbs” by the hippie super-villain Doc Natural, Hoverboy is forced to fight crime in the nude.  He learns to avoid shame by reading the first part of Genesis over and over, and eventually smacking anyone in the face who looks at him “down there”.

#7
TARZAN VS. TUBLAT the GORILLA

If you’re into the twin aesthetics of decorative baroque, and boy’s pink bums, you can’t do better than Burne Hogarth’s TARZAN  graphic novel, published in 1972 by Watson-Guptill.

I can't explain this, and I won't even try.

Freed of the comics code, Tarzan is naked for the first hundred pages…and just so you’d know where Burne’s bread was buttered, we are shown nothing but Greystokes curiously un-tanned buttocks for those hundred pages– the Jungle Lord’s crown jewels were hidden in shadows, or behind vines or strategically placed gorillas the whole time.  But, oh those glistening backside orbs were in full display–page after page—bulbously leaping from tree to tree in a cascade of male glute flesh rarely seen outside a clergyman’s rectory.

There really is a lot of this, all through the book.

And when Tublat (Tarzan’s gorilla father) starts messing with Kala (Tarzan’s gorilla mother), we’re treated to the second bloodiest naked super-hero fight scene on the list.

Um...could you check out what's happening in panel one?

EXTRA NAKED POINTS:  Everyone in this scene is stripped to the gonzos, INCLUDING TARZAN’S MOM!  I dare you to fight someone while your mom is watching nude.

#6
LEGEND OF AQUAMAN SPECIAL

Bark like a sea lion, boy! I said BARK!

If you didn’t want to see an “in the buff” teen-Aquaman fighting a grown man in rubber pants, then why have you read this far?  Seriously.  Some self examination is in order.

Don't sass me, nude boy. I'll teach you who wears the rubber pants around here!

Okay, I get that Aquaman’s origin story was kinda like “Tarzan of the Fish”, and if his dolphin pals weren’t ashamed of their blow holes, why should he be?  But this scene  goes that extra special mile for its entertainment dollar.  It involves, rubber pants, choking, punching, animal noises and a young lad tied starkers and spread in a chair.  That’s at least three-fifty downtown, but the comic retailed for two dollars, quite a bang for your buck in 1989.  You always wondered why Aquaman has such a devoted following–  it’s not just because he can breathe underwater.

How did THIS scene end up in a DC comic?!?

#5
MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS #77

Pants? I know I brought pants...

I wasn’t kidding about how often Logan goes sans pants. They even have a special term to alert the students at the X-Mansion when Wolverine is “sunnin’ the package”: It’s called “mid-afternoon”.

But of all the nudie Wolverine fights, this is the yardstick against which all others are measured.  And if you’re measuring with a yardstick, you’re already impressing me.

The zenith of Logan’s multi-issue

Graaah! Graah! Snarrlll! Graaahhh!

birthday suit wood romp comes when he fights the equally unclothed and competitively hirsute wolves in MCP: WEAPON X #77, and bathes in their mighty blood when it’s all done.  The most badass moment in comics is suitably bare assed and  has been referenced again and again.

Snarrll....grrrrr.....grrrrr....I swear to GOD I had pants....

#4
Ultimates #9

Big deal, you gotta take a PILL to be called "Giant Man".

Millar and Hitch’s Ultimates run was a leader in the naked fight scene genre, with an average of one naked fight per 3.7 issues.  The Cap/Naked Giant Man fight from #9 is my favorite, simply because it  involves a giant guy waggling the wand six stories above your head.

One of the most important aspects of a man to man fight is the ability to look your opponent in the eye and say belittling things to him.  But when you have to crane your neck just to glimpse your opponent’s eyes behind his BUICK-SIZED REPRODUCTIVE SAUSAGE, it’s a trifle intimidating!

And Cap hands Hank the beat down that he had coming all the same.  THAT’S why you salute the man with the shield.

Hank goes DOWN! Hank goes DOWN! Into the big, phallic tube-y things!

#3
Batman #357.

WTF? This is in a published comic? At least Bruce is saying "NO".

This can’t be a co-incidence.  There’s no way that the editor was  unaware that the first two words in this naked fight scene are “swish” and “Dick..?”–  WHICH WERE THE TITLES OF MY FIRST TWO HOMO-EROTIC HAIKU!!  Someone had to be spying on me.

And the second page of this memorable sequence begins with another unfortunately worded balloon that I’m not going to type up, in case I enjoy it more than I should.  Just read it yourself…out loud if the elderly are present.

This had to be a prank. This was never published...

And it all ends with a spread eagle boy wonder, and naked Bruce looking down on him, again saying “Dick…?”.  Don’t take my word for it.  Follow Bruce’s stare….Go check, I’ll wait.

It was as though the editorial team at DC had decided to give into the fan mail they’d been getting from “that anti-Wertham” crowd, and just let them have one issue to call their own.

I think the story had something to do with mind control, and Hugo Strange, and something like that.  Did anyone read the other eighteen pages in this issue when people were wearing clothes?  My copy won’t open.

#2
ULTIMATE HULK ANNUAL #1

Okay. He's naked, and unashamed. Got it?

This is special in so many ways.  First off, the Ultimate Hulk was a walking naked fight scene from the word go.  That was is raison d’etre, his meaning in life, his chewy center.  He doesn’t care if he defeats the Leader, or The Abomination…he just wants to meet a special someone and settle down, and the nudity was his version of Hulk Sized Foreplay.

This ANNUAL is nothing more than a big, long, extended, full length, and blood engorged naked fight scene that ends in a punch to the cojones that was visible from space.  And the subject

Ohh. Strike one against the Mighty Nards of the Hulk. The "Nulks".

matter of the fight?  Some chick named Zarda gets hired by Captain America to make the Hulk wear pants.  She attacks his Hulklings until he agrees, and then they go to a motel and snuggle like very bad bunnies who are not married to each other, and might not even be considering a formal engagement.   No wonder comics are considered literature nowadays.

And one more 'nad cruncher, in case you're missing the subtlety of the story.

#1
BATMAN CONFIDENTIAL #18

This is why we all evolved to have eyes.

When the end comes, and the world is crumbling around me due to nuclear devastation or social upheaval, this is the comic I take with me to the escape shelter.  Full Respect to Fabian Nicieza and Kevin Maguire for making this objet d’art for us to enjoy.

Okay. That's a nice drawing.

The story has something to do with Catwoman stealing something, and running into an all-nude fetish club to escape Batgirl chasing her…and Batgirl follows her in and stuff happens.  Good god, I’m heterosexual, how am I supposed to remember the plot?

You’ll notice how sparse this list has been for naked super-HEROINE fights…up until now.  Oh, sure, She-Hulk and Black Cat do sometimes get all jiggy with their bid’ness, but they don’t seem to be PUNCHING anyone when they do it.  And Danger Girl and Codename:  Knockout don’t count if that’s ALL they do.  But THIS…?   This is naked fighting, folks, not naked prancing.  You want naked prancing, visit your congressman.

Honestly, it just goes on like this for pages and pages...

There are other naked fight scenes in comics.  I seem to remember Magneto fighting for his life in the shower.  And let’s never forget Bruce Banner’s narrow escape from Jim Shooter’s Traveling Shower Rape Stereotype Duo from that Rampaging Hulk in the Eighties…Ah, those memories I can’t seem to purge.

If you’ve got a naked fight scene you’d like to see featured in this column, please drop us a line.   We’re always willing to look at naked people smacking at each other, whether they’re flying through the air or not.

That’s it for today.  A long one, but a good one.  (That’s what she said!)

I’ll see everyone back here tomorrow for some all new BUN TOONS!  A new installment of LAST ROUNDUP ON THE SINISTER SPACECRAFT OF FORBIDDEN LOVE, and MORE!

Ty the Guy


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The NEW GLENN REID CD is done! And so is the Addams Family!

Some fun housecleaning today.

Glenn Reid. The Eveready Bunny of Canadian Pop Country

First off, the latest Glenn Reid cd is done!  It’s dropping, as the kids say, in a couple of weeks.  YAY!  In fact, I was the hold-up, as this should have been out by now, but I am the slightly computer-incompetent package designer

Sorry girls, he's married.

for the project (as well as Glenn’s lightning-fingered keyboard player in his band, I’m still a self-centered bastard in this blog, and that’s why you’re reading this).  See, I’m a long time Photoshop guy, and the printers wanted everything in Illustrator files, which I know next to nothing about.  As a result, I sent the wrong files, with the wrong settings to the wrong ftp, like five times over the space of two weeks, and it’s remarkable that Glenn is still speaking to me, considering what I’ve put him through.

As I say to the ladies, want to see my whole package?

Above, at the top of the blog, is the cover and if you click on the little image to the left, you can see the final package, as sent off to the printers.  Glenn likes the whole thing, and that pleases me.  The cover DOES get across who he is as a performer and as a character, which is “ the Rocky of Canuck Country”.  You cannot make him fall down.  After decades of stomping the floorboards of every bar or hall that had a microphone, and writing mountains of great songs along the way, he’s recently become a survivor of cancer AND the Canadian Music Industry, to produce another terrific collection of fun Saturday Night shitkickers and Slow Dance Ballads.  And like the iconic tortured artist he isn’t, really, Glenn is beloved overseas, but ignored at home.  His latest single SING LIKE JOHNNY CASH is climbing the charts in Europe, where Disneyland’s motto is “Come, and Watch ze Suffering of ze Mouse”. Western Culture 1.0 has embraced our Glenn like Jerry Lewis and runny cheese, but all you highly sophisticated websurfers can listen to all the tracks for free on Glenn’s website, and download ‘em for your ipod-pad-phone-bluetooth-eyewear as an mp3 before the old fashioned version is available in….wait for it….RECORD STORES….hah hahhaaa.  (And you get to perk up your ears every time you hear a piano or organ…it’s Ten-Fingers Templeton).

Oh, wait, the version in record stores will be the only version with my cover art on it.  There’s a back cover, and an inside fold out, and the disc itself has my art on it…wait…record stores…come back!  Come back, record stores, I didn’t mean it!

This is what CDs looked like before mp3 players.

Nah, the 21st Century is still better than the last couple.  Those other centuries SUCKED.

Now this…

Ty was right. Ty is always right. We have spoken.

Yesterday I ranted about the new Addams Family Musical, and today, the New York Times ranted about it, with their review picking apart all the things that were wrong with it that I expected.  And I only saw a five minute sample on Letterman.

Now I feel bad.  As I said, there is a friend involved in this production, and a review this bad might help close it early.  I never like seeing stuff based on cartoons and comics do poorly, as it dampens the chances of the next one being tried… so I wasn’t really hoping for a review this bad.

Nathan Lane and company, lining up for the exits before the audience does.

Read for yourself.  They’re gleefully savage about it over at what used to be the highly respected New York Times.

Later today, after a few hours of actually drawing something I am SO behind schedule on, (with at least TWO Avengers in it, so it’s fun)…HOVERBOY RETURNS!  And don’t forget Weekend Webcomics.

Ty the Guy.

I can't believe I have the audacity to continue to plug this new Simpsons book, in stores now.

Sad to hear about Dick Giordano passing away.

Ah, damn it.  Who didn’t love Dick Giordano?   We lost him over the weekend.  Not unexpected, but still…

silly sexy fun

Both of this blog’s regular readers might have noticed

The "New" Joker

how often his name or his work has come up around here, which is notable, considering how rarely I mention any other cartoonists in this solipsistic e-rag.  He was part of those delightful Lois Lane covers from last week, he inked the issue of Batman (#251) which I consider one of the two most important comic books of my life, mentioned a months or so ago on Art Land.

But let’s talk about this.

This issue is a very close second for my favorite Batman story of all time, and once again, Denny O’Neil and Dick Giordano are on the creative team responsible for it.  The cover is gorgeous, and the art and story inside are great…a Twilight Zone style tale of Batman traveling to another dimension where he again witnesses the murder of his parents, and changes THAT Bruce’s destiny.  It’s been reprinted many times, most notably in THE GREATEST BATMAN STORIES EVER TOLD, so I’m not the only one who loves this issue.

The idea of the story stuck in my head my entire life, and when I was asked to write a “try-out” issue of Batman Adventures all those years ago, the first

Not the same story, but the same idea.

thing that occurred to me was “What if I could make Batman re-live the murder of his parents, and change the destiny of another child…?”  The story I wrote is not at all the same to Denny and Dick’s masterpiece, but I certainly drew water out of the same inspirational spring as the above issue, and my script was well enough received that I’ve been writing comics for a living ever since.

But, what really blew my head into brain chunks about Detective #457 was that it showed me how much Dick Giordano was responsible for the greatness of those Neal Adams comics that I thought Dick had been “just inking”.  This was a comic drawn with beautiful realism, perfect line work, dramatic lighting, phenomenally beautiful women, and all the things that made those Neal comics wonderful, only Neal wasn’t around for this issue.  It turned out DICK WAS THE GUY who had been doing much of that all along.  And there was a subtle difference in the storytelling.  It was somehow more accessible, more “readable”, more directly told, than I was used to from this familiar style, and in many ways I LIKED IT BETTER!

THE most beautiful versions of the women of DC in the 70s

As a kid, I copied the images from ‘Tec #457 over and over.  I traced a copy of the cover so I could see it without the logo covering up the ears (hated that!).  There’s a panel inside of Batman swinging over the city, that I hand-copied as a three foot high poster that hung on the back of my bedroom door for years.  From this issue on, as far as I was concerned, Dick Giordano was one of the greats, the gods, the Beatles of DC comics.  I know, I know… he’d been great all along, but this is when I discovered it.

In the delightful Neal Adams cover above (for the magnificent Adams/Giordano Superman vs. Muhammad Ali giant comic) the crowd is filled with “real” people.  Jimmy Carter, Sinatra, Wolfman Jack, Raquel Welch, and so many others.  There’s a map on the inside cover to tell you who everyone is, but when I got it, I tried to see how many I could figure out on my own.  Up in the crowd, about eight or nine rows back, was a couple of people I assume to be Warren Beatty and Clark Cable, and some kids nearby.

amongst the Jackson Five, George Carlin and Lt. Columbo, this is NOT Clark Gable and Warren Beatty

It turned out to be Neal Adams and Dick Giordano and family.  I thought Neal had drawn he and his partner a lot more handsome than they probably were…and it was pretty cool to discover that they really did look like that when I met them a year or so later at conventions.

I got to know Dick just a little, over the years I worked at DC, and the  two things I remember most about him, was that he always looked great, (he could wear a suit and a mustache like a pro)…and that he loved talking the craft and comics with anyone who wanted to start up the conversation.  In those days, when Dick was our fearless leader, it was inspiring to see him in the DC  hallway, and to know he was still producing top flight penciling and inking work at home, after a full day at the office.

When you're great, you never stop being great.

And talk about inspiring,  he was still producing it, right up until the end.  The March issue of Jonah Hex, 2010, was the work of the one and only Mr. Giordano, head into your local comic store and pick one up, and enjoy the last work of a creator who inspired more than one generation.

Ty the Guy

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TY TEMPLETON’S IRONICALLY SELF-AWARE COMIC BOOK BONDAGE PARADE, part 2.

Bondage?  That’s where we are now?

I do six monthly posts about the rise of postmodernism as a result of new educational opportunities created by the second Industrial Revolution, and no one reads them.  I do an eleven day series about our collective struggle for a cultural soul in light of recent media consolidations and the blog gets thirty-five hits over those eleven days… But hogtie Lois Lane to a speeding truck with her thighs held open and 37,804 internet pervs find a way to my homepage.

But I’m no fool.  I understand the needs of the blog consumer, and I will accommodate with the content you heaving philistines so clearly demand.  Here is part two of…TY TEMPLETON’S IRONICALLY SELF-AWARE COMIC BOOK  BONDAGE PARADE.

I can't believe Marvel let me do this cover!

Both in the comments section, and in my email box, I was flooded with an estimated eight requests for Wonder Woman as my next subject.  Unfortunately, it proved nearly impossible to find images of the Amazon Princess in bondage, in either my comic collection or on the internet– even with the safe search off.  This screengrab from the Seventies WONDER WOMAN TV show was all I could find.

Those chains look uncomfortable. No wonder Nazis were considered rude.

morning

You’ll have to excuse me while I catch my breath after that much concentrated sarcasm.  Who here DIDN’T know that the ORIGINAL Princess Diana (Ms. Magazine’s Mascot) was THE poster girl for restraint fetishism for her entire career?  Her creator, Charles Moulton (aka Dr. William Moulton Marston, Phd in psychology from Harvard, and distinguished co-inventor of the lie-detector) was an outspoken bondage enthusiast who insisted in books and interviews that the world would be

noon

a more peaceful place if we all learned to sheepshank our loved ones.  This was before we knew that sort of thing was “weird” and he was still allowed to be photographed for glossy magazines and shop at local stores all through the forties and fifties. And if peace through mutual rope burns wasn’t enough for

night

Mr. and Mrs. America, the good doctor had two openly poly-amorous wives, each of whom bore him a couple of kids, and the whole sordid commune of anti-establishment love lived happily ever after.

Compared to Dr. Moulton,

she may look upset, but she still hasn't shouted her safe word.

Hugh Hefner was a pussy.

So finding images of Wonder Woman in bondage is about as hard as finding a closeted republican at a gay bar.  If you need to see shots of the chained up Amazon, grab your google and work your search engine, kids.  You’ll end up with enough drawings of Diana cattle-roped to a torpedo to wallpaper your sanctum sanctorum.

But in light of the double-mint twins marital arrangements that Dr. Willie had with the wives, this image (below) of two hot ladies RIDING THE MONSTER KANGAROO  does command attention, , but then, who hasn’t drawn two women riding the Monster Kangaroo?

Penis? What four legged penis?

Heck, riding the monster kangaroo is my regular phone-doodle, only I don’t draw the rollicking beast  with quite so phallic a body shape.

So it’s way too easy to go after the Amazon Princess, or the Phantom Lady, or even Robin and Bucky, the boy hostages.  No matter how much fun it is to draw a nicely restrained pale young boy wearing a domino mask, it’s just not “ART LAND” style to blog about the commonplace and mundane.

BATMAN is another story altogether.

I keep a sketch book.  All artists do.  It’s a place to warm up the  hands as we start our work day, like doing scales on a piano.  Sometimes the drawings are of two  headed nuns playing ice hockey, or equally silly images never meant to be shown to the public.  Sometimes I sketch ideas.  The following was never meant to be anything more than an image of how tough Batman was.  He can scare you pissless while still tied to a chair.

You want to see a tough guy? Find him some nails to eat.

This was just a doodle in a sketch book.  But I had an idea.  Could I do an entire issue where Batman is tied in a chair?  Where he doesn’t get out of the trap at all, and just SCARES the bad guys into giving up…?  That struck me as a fun challenge and I asked the editor if I could try it.  I was told “yes” but I had to include Robin and Batgirl in the story, since they were co-stars of the book at the time.  Well, that diluted the idea somewhat, but I was still happy to give it a chance, and I ended up writing one of my favorite little Batman stories for BATMAN ADVENTURES (vol 2) #6, during my more than ten years working on that title.   It’s only five pages, so I reproduce it below…THIS is bondage in comics done RIGHT.

page 1

pg 2

pg 3

pg 4

pg 5

Don’t ask about the Black Mask/Red Hood storyline.  The less said about that, the better.

There, I hope we’ve exhausted bondage for a while, you sicko pervs.  Tomorrow, the return of all new Ty Templeton Funnies for the weekend.  That post will be about coprophilia.

Ty the Guy

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