Every year, Halloween sneaks up on me. Perhaps it’s the lack of pumpkin carols, but that damn October 31st arrives with me unprepared all the time, and it’s made me a bit of an expert in the quickly-thrown-together costume game. I’ve spent many costume parties in the laziest, cheapest and dumbest outfits of all time, and now because of the complex instrument that is the inter-tubes, I get to share my vast knowledge of corner-cutting and panache with you, the discerning comic book and SF fan. Considering the economy, there’s never been a better time for…
THE SEVEN CHEAPEST AND LAZIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES for COMIC and SF FANS
Above: way too much effort
You literally couldn’t get lazier than our first one, and yet, it’s one of the best and most recognizable SF icons of the last 30 years. When you wake up in the morning, and put on your ratty old housecoat to go from bed to bathroom without upsetting the roomies with a glance at the twig and berries, grab a towel on the way out of the commode, and TA-DAA…you’re Arthur Dent. I actually saw someone wearing this for a costume parade at a convention this year, and I must admit, I wanted to vote for him, just for sheer lazy-clever points.
Any idiot can do this.
This one requires a lifetime of preparation, but no effort on Halloween itself. If you’re six foot three and black, have muscle definition like a steroid addicted MMA fighter, and are willing to shave your head, then we have the perfect disguise for you. Put on a black t-shirt, and grab a white girlfriend, and you are LUKE CAGE, breakout star of Marvel’s AVENGERS.
Twenty years of weight lifting and one t-shirt and you're done.
Oh sure, Luke’s old costume was a stark reminder that African Americans dressed with too much “flair” in 70s…
His favorite holiday was "Sweet Christmas" anyway...
…but Brian Hitch and Brian Michael Bendis changed all that a few years ago with their minimalist approach to invulnerable black superheroes. This one will go over great with your nerdiest friends, so long as the idea of a muscular black giant with nerdy friends is not analyzed.
For white people willing to shave their heads. A nice suit and a pissy attitude makes you PRESIDENT LUTHOR from the animated film SUPERMAN AND BATMAN: PUBLIC ENEMIES, no questions asked.
Note: If you're Howie Mandel, remember to shave the soul patch
This idea has ALMOST no work involved, and can be used in three possible ways. First, grab as destroyed a piece of fabric as you can find in your house (something you formerly used to wash the car with, but is now too scuzzy and damaged for even that). Then, strip down to the birthday suit, and wrap the fabric around your midsection.
1) If you can squint and grow a beard, you’re TAYLOR from the original Planet of the Apes.
Charlton Heston is the one on the left, for a change.
2) If you cannot grow a beard, draw spots on the fabric with a Sharpie and you are Tarzan of the Apes.
Do not include the lion in the costume. It's too much work.
3) If you have neither a beard or a magic marker, you can claim to be an American home-owner, six months into the future. As long as it’s the future, it’s still SF.
It's funny because of genuine human suffering
This takes a few moments of very slight effort, but no money (unless you count the cost of scotch tape), and it involves recycling, so it’s good for the planet. Go through your plastics and paper bin, find used cups, old magazines, candy wrappings and the like, and tape them to your body so that you look like a pile of garbage. When people ask who you’re supposed to be, you tell them you’re movie star, Mel Gibson. The laugh is worth the smell.
Gibson and his last friend, out hunting for a career
This one requires a pair of sweat pants that really stretch, and an old turkey baster or CD spool. Simply put the pokey object down the back of your track suit (held tightly between the cheeks, or taped to your upper thighs) and when folks ask, claim to be a UFO abductee. The thing tenting the back of your pants is the anal probe. Not only will people enjoy your creativity, you’ll be the one having the most fun on the dance floor.
Not pictured: Those awkward "first date" moments.
One for the ladies. The ultimate in lazy costuming may be the most impressive on the list, but the effect only works the following morning. Simply don’t show up to the party you’ve been invited to, and tell people that you were there. Obviously, since no one saw you, you were the Invisible Woman from the Fantastic Four. Jessica Alba never looked so good, and now you can too. For the gentlemen, we must go back to the classic INVISIBLE MAN from H.G. Wells. Try to be invited to dozens of parties you don’t plan to attend, and spread this astounding costume around town.
The Invisible Woman, and I think she's naked.
Another great classic that never goes out of style. As soon as you arrive at the party, instantly find the closet where they hang up the coats, and go inside. Refuse to come out for the rest of the party and TA-DAA, you’re Jodie Foster, star of the classic film, Contact. I might be savaged by a high priced Hollywood lawyer for suggesting this, but you’ll be the hit of the get-together.
- Please don’t sue me, I’m trying to be funny.
-There, that should get you through any emergency party situation with as little work on your part as possible. And if these don’t work, remember the advice of Christina Ricci from the ADAMS FAMILY movie, show up in street clothes and tell people you’re a SERIAL KILLER, because they look just like you and me…
but only if you look like this.
-and of course, any hot girl at the party is likely to be a Cylon. Avoid them at all costs.
You'll be glad you left them alone.
Ty the Guy OUT!
Here now, your comic book moment of zen:
For more Topical Top List Fun, see last week’s TOP TEN BLACK PRESIDENTS OF SCIENCE FICTION by clicking on Morgan Freeman. I promise, he’ll be commanding and comforting at the same time, even if we’re all about to die.